Current Updates

With the New Year comes New Resolutions. In recent years, I've been able to keep 2/3 of them, mainly because I am realistic and only aim for 3. This year is no different. My resolutions, (although not goal-oriented ones) for this year are:

1. Being more physically active/ Exercise
2. Continuing with School
3. Working on optimism, happiness and self confidence.

A few blogs ago, I realized I needed a change to help extinguish my depression. Sebastian has way too much self confidence and a big ego, which leaves me vulnerable and feeling very low.  I know that by being this way, I am putting my relationship at risk. No one wants to hang out with a pooper, and I've been told by a few people, Sebastian included, that I need to be active to help boost my mood.

So on Monday, while extremely bored at work, I began thinking of ways to become more physically active, and concluded that the gym was the best way to go. I went to the 24-hour fitness website to look for trial passes, and googled my way to a 14-day pass instead.

 Once out of work, I hesitated for the full 20 minute ride back to my apartment. Following are the excuses and roadblocks I was giving myself.

Will I have the time?
Classes start soon.
I'd like to get that part time job for the Census this year.
Will I truly commit to going every week?
Can I really afford the $30/month on my budget?
What schedule should I follow?
Should I eat before/after?
What am I really expecting from this?
I still have to go to the college enrollment office today.
I'm very sleepy.

As I pulled into the parking lot of my complex, I gave myself one final push:
Quit making up excuses and do it already! What's 1 hour a day going to cost you? A bag of chips in front of the TV, that's what!

So I went to my college campus to enroll in the classes, and went back to my apartment to get a change of workout clothes. I drove to one of the gyms and was immediately intimated by the full parking lot.

I bet there's a lot of "resolvers" in there.
I'm embarassed to go in.
It's too full! I can't park anywhere.

And I chickened out until the "other me" told me to keep driving to the other gym, just 2 miles down the road.

Once at the other gym, I felt a little more optimistic, yet still intimated. I remember a few months back going into the same gym with a member, and being hassled into signing up before even starting the trial.

You're not going to get me this time. I'm going to try it out on my own terms. No pressure.

I did the tour, and the counselor tried to get me started, telling me the offer was expiring on wednesday. I told him I'd still want to try first to see if I could really commit. He let me go, and I started on the treadmill, walking for 25 minutes, and running for the last 5. I continued with weights, working on my arms and abs.

I left nearly 90 minutes later, feeling very good. I repeated the same task the following day and felt energized and hyper. I went home, took a very long shower and felt great.

I've only told a few people about my new routine, but have not mentioned it to Sebastian. I don't want him to think that this is a phase that I'm going to drop right away, or point out that I don't look toned or thinner if I don't get results fast enough. I've barely begun to change my eating habits and incorporate more vegetables and fruits. It's tough, but I want it to work.

I'm mainly doing this to boost my energy/mood levels and give me endorphins. Losing weight would be an added bonus.

So here's to a new start.

A better me.

I MAY have snapped

I was at Wal-Mart the other day by myself, but it definitely didn't feel like it. I had Sebastian's conscience riding with me the entire time, and it really bugged me.

Sebastian likes to give input on the foods I should eat. No artificial ingredients, no fats, no oils and no over-processed meats.

I know he's doing it because he knows what's best for me and my health, but everytime I hear someone telling me what I shouldn't eat, it just brings back memories of my mom controlling everything I ever ate.

And I know it's very hypocritical to become upset on his advice when I'm the one who's overweight, but I can't stand it when all the fun is being taken away from eating some good foods; or at least what I consider to be good.

• I wanted to buy bologna because I hadn't eaten it since I was in High School. Then Sebastian came into my head and told me that it was overprocessed food with bits of every meat imaginable. So I bought Turkey meat instead.
• I wanted to buy Iceberg lettuce, but chose the red leaf lettuce instead when he mentioned once that the Iceberg lettuce offered no nutrional value at all. It was basically eating water out of a bag.  
• All American Cheese. Nope, didn't happen. Opted for mozzarella instead.
• Forget eating ANYTHING with high fructose corn syrup, which is a majority of all things.

That's my biggest pet peeve.

"Don't tell me what I shouldn't eat." I said

"Ok, ok. I won't. From now on, you can eat whatever you want" he replied.

A guy I dated for about a month took me out to dinner a while back. I made the mistake of voicing out loud my desire to order an apetizer and a meal.

"You're going to eat all of that?" he asked

Well, I guess I won't now.

I didn't order the apetizer. And I don't know if I was full from the food, or if I was just embarassed for suggesting two things, but I didn't even finish my meal.

Put on weight and it's over

Sebastian has been asking me if I want to go work out with him (twice a week) at his gym. Though it sounds like a nice "couples thing" to do, I wouldn't drive 30 miles to work out at the gym he goes to when I have two branches within 1.5 miles (2.4km) from my apartment. No joke. That's what's great about Houston. Franchises pop up everywhere.

Earlier last week, I told him I had put on weight, and not just to try it out. I went up 8lbs (3.6kg) since I moved out. My pants are starting to fit too snuggly, and I can't button a few other tighter pants. I've had constant headaches for almost two weeks now. The pill popping does not work.

It's not that I've been eating junk food. No. I don't do that. I've just been eating a restaurants non-stop because I haven't been cooking at my place. Sebastian will take me out to eat at least once on a weeknight, and we'll end up eating at restaurants on the weekends. And then I eat out for lunch at a Colombian restaurant at least once a week. And those portions are big, and I usually finish it all.

That- and I don't exercise one bit.

Then one day, while we were driving, we saw a girl on the side of the street comparable to this:

"If you look like that, I'm sorry but it's over Ren" said Sebastian

"I wouldn't blame you" I answered to him telling myself that I'd never let myself go that far; However, a faint bell rang in my head.

This guy means business. He's giving me an ultimatum. Shape up, or ship out.

Then earlier this week, the bell started ringing louder. I get out of breath, and my blood starts pumping hard just getting up to the third floor of my apartment. I went bra shopping yesterday and was completely disappointed that I could no longer fit into my 36D anymore. I went up a cup and a band size.

Godmanit! It's time to lose the "lazy fat."
I want to try that fruit and veggies diet the pill popping officer did for two weeks, but without the pills. I know I'll have headaches from hunger, but I know I need to regulate my diet for the best. I know I'll never be thin like this. Let's face it, I don't even dream of myself looking like that. But I am totally digging the Kim Kardashian look. I just don't have her ass, but that's okay.

Cellulite, Spider Veins and Saggy Boobs

They all come with age. Or at least I want to assume they do.

Man, I feel sooooo bad for the women who have all of the following:

During recent years, I've noticed my mom has been showing more spider veins. She's 51 now, and I think a lot of has to do with how much problems she's had with her legs. She's had countless operations on her knees, and she's never been 100% perfect. She's always complained about the pain she feels, and she hasn't been able to run or exercise much since she was in her twenties.

I can understand her problem because I haven't been able to run since I was 20- when I tripped over a water hose in my backyard and landed on both of my knees. Luckily I didn't break them, but I've had pins and needles sensations since then. I can no longer squat or sit on my knees. I get a sharp sensation when I do.

After visiting a doctor, he told me that I had pain in my knees due to my anatomy. My legs bent inward. My dad was still convinced that it was due to me being overweight.

The other day, Sebastian made my day by saying  "You don't have cellulite on you. My ex-wife had it pretty bad"- Which lead me to believe that cellulite was not related to weight gain.

Now, if I squeeze hard enough, I do show signs:

But let's face it- I'm not going to squeeze for fun. Aparently, cellulite can be considered to be related to genetics as well as race. And dieting and exercise can make it better or worse. From what I can remember, my mom doesn't have it. She looks pretty damn good in a bathing suit. I'm very jealous.

Seeing all that makes me want to hit my ass to the gym even faster.