Thursday, December 30, 2010

Losing a friend

It happens every so often; you gain a friend, you lose a friend, but I've always found frienship breakups to be somewhat awkward. Is it just as easy to walk away?

I "met" Wes on a POF (single's website) almost two years ago, when I began my foray into the dating scene. He was the first person I spoke to, and because of that, developed an attachment to him. However, we never actually met in person; he was too different for me: too rough, vulgar and different from what I physically liked. I hardly talked to him during the year, and we'd reconnect every once in a while for a few weeks, and trail apart soon after. We just didn't have anything in common.

During the summer, we began talking again as I found myself single and openly searching for my next challenge. I soon found out however that he had moved away to Minnesota and was currently undergoing a harsh breakup with a girl he loved. Somewhere along the way, he finally called me and we spoke on the phone for the very first time. It was an instant connection we shared, one based on friendship.

Over the months, we talked online more often, but never on the phone. He had started school again and kept himself very occupied but always found the time to talk to me. We vaguely touched on each other's feelings, but he made it an open promise to meet up when he came back to Houston.

On Christmas Eve, Wes messaged me on Aim saying he needed to talk to someone. He'd been agonizing over the death of his brother 9 years back and couldn't stop blaming himself for what had happened. His brother was in the USMC and was killed in Iraq. He opened up about losing over 35 people in the last 8 years and couldn't bring himself to lose any more, hence why he'd kept me at such a distance all this time.

"I'd rather not know then know and lose [someone]" he said.

I could tell he was hurting, and I tried so hard to help, but I couldn't possibly fathom what he'd experienced. I couldn't put myself in his place. The more I tried, the more he pushed me away, telling me to walk away while I still could. He said he couldn't be helped, and that ever since he'd been out of the military himself, couldn't stop dwelling on his losses and fighting his own demons.

So I cracked. I gave up.

Ren: You want me to walk away from you?
Wes: It'd be best for you to be honest.
Ren: I'm hurt. But if you want me to do that for you,
Wes: Doesn't matter about me Ren....
Ren: There's not much else I can do
Wes: Save yourself while you can.

I felt a lump in my throat, rejected, and my heart actually hurt from losing someone again, even if it wasn't romantic. I shed a few tears, and thought hard about the decision I'd made.

I feel that perhaps I gave up too easily; maybe the alcohol got to him, and he was talking nonsense. Either way, I deleted him from Facebook and Aim as well that night and we haven't spoken since then.

Did I do the right thing?

1 comment:

  1. Yes - you did do the right thing. Im not going to get into to specifics because there are views from both sides, but personally, I think you did the right thing.