Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The older man

I wrote about this man a while back here.
I was 18 when we met, but because I was so young, I couldn't think of him that way.  I had a boyfriend at the time who wasn't a big fan of him because he could sense the man had a crush on me. However, from lack of experience, I never noticed. 

About two years after I left California, I searched for his number and called him. We talked for a while and he came clean about liking me.  I was really nervous and he said "if only I was 10 years younger I would have asked you out." He's... twenty years older, so that should make him... around 44-45 now.

He asked me if I'd thought about him over the years and I lied and said no. He asked if i could ever consider him and I dating based on the age difference; And because the age difference bothered me so much I told him so. 

The only reason why I've thought about him recently is because I'm single and the guy was really respectful and nice. I was completely smitten. I have the urge to call him again to "catch up" but I have a fear that he'll take this as an interest in him and truth is, I'm not really sure how I feel. If only he was 10 years older, I would have already called him
You see, when you're younger, the age difference is pretty big, but when you get older the gap tends to close. It's been two years since I last spoke to him, and even though my feelings toward the age gap is still pretty strong, it's not as scary as it was during our conversation. I have been maturing..... at a much slower pace than I think I should be, but at my own pace, and I do notice the change. Being with Sebastian really set me straight. He was the first real man I was with, and because he was so much more mature than I was and had experienced much more, it forced me to catch up. He was.... a mentor in a way.

I doubt it'll ever turn into a real relationship with the older man because I'm personally still a bit uncomfortable with the age difference and what people would think, especially my family. Plus, how much in common would we really have? We grew up in different decades!


It's mainly a curiosity on my behalf to see how far it could go. I was actually daydreaming about him today and I felt my face burning up from nervousness- the same way you'd feel when meeting a potential flame. Silly I know.

 I'm confused. Do I call and "catch up" or do I forget about it completely and leave it in the "what could have happened, but I'll never know" pile?

I talked to BEG and another girlfriend about it. 
Their responses were virtually the same, but with their own flair:

His: "You are old enough to where age doesn't matter, but are you sure you just don't want a little.... you know what?" Quite possibly.

Hers: "Age doesn't mean anything. The heart wants what the heart wants." Honestly, my heart's not into it.

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