Tuesday, February 16, 2010

A double life: Cyber Stalking

It's time- the time has come for me to say goodbye. I must put you out of my life completely and resist the temptation to look back.

I'm talking about the last ex.

Yes. I, Renrexx, am guilty of cyberstalking!!!!

Yesterday, I came across a forum he had posted....... years ago. I read every entry and discovered his "double life." From 6 months into our relationship, we were engaged- yet, I had no clue because I had never said yes. I found out he was 15 when he lost his virginity (we were both 18), his dad had been in a coma (no such thing), he had gotten his own apartment (he didn't get it till he was 24) and car (still no car of his own) , and was on a trip across the US (never even happened. No car, remember?)

I was flabbergasted. I couldn't believe what I was reading, and unfortunately, I was mouth agape in shock.

It made me realize how much he needed others to know that he was not a failure, when he was just that. For 4 years I watched him struggle through life. He rested and relied upon me and never felt the motivation to start his life. I blame myself for that. I sheltered him too much, and didn't give him a reason to motivate himself. Not just that but I emasculated him as well. I don't think I'll ever forget or forgive myself for that.

Years later, I could see him committing the same mistake with the person he was dating and is with now. Except this time, the roles were reversed, and he was the one who felt the lack of motivation from her. How can he possibly expect her to make an effort when he won't? She's the one resting on him, and as he had told me a few times long ago "I know how you felt then. I know why you tried to push me so hard."

Although I felt so much sadness and despair for having left him in the first place, I can never forget the debt he incurred upon me. I was nice. I knew he was struggling, but he disrespected me from the beginning when he had no intentions of ever paying me back for what he borrowed. I need to admit that at first, it didn't bother me that he couldn't pay me back because I was fortunate enough to be able to pay it when I could. I also realized that this debt was one more reason to keep us connected…. in contact once every so often. I knew that as soon as that debt was repaid, I would never have a reason to talk to him.

I was the victim of gullibility and stupidity. He never paid a cent, and I wrote it off completely about a year and a half later. I can't respect him for that.

I think about him sometimes. I wonder how he is doing, and while I wonder if he's struggling or if he's comfortable, I tell myself that I have pushed forward because I wanted to. I can only hope that he has changed from what he was at 21 years old. I know I bit it completely, but I've picked myself up again and moved forward.

He is my past.....

I sincerely wish him the best.


  1. It's a sad thing for you to find out about these things this way, but I guess that is the main reason why I don't mind having my friends and family read my blogs. It's me, and it's an open, honest me, and sometimes, things are hard to say to them to their faces.


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  2. This is very similar to what happend to me and my first college boyfriend...only his lies were much worse. maybe one of these days i'll blog about it and you and i can compare notes about the sad shit men do...lol...I'm sorry you had to go through that but {hopefully} S is a better man than that loser.