Monday, March 26, 2012

Where is the love?

I felt things were possibly advancing positively with the IT Pilot, but before I could get too comfortable, the inevitable fear came upon me once again. Three weeks in, and I could sense the end was near.

I stopped by his apartment one evening after work because I was in his area shopping. I told him I had a screening pass to a movie and asked him if he wanted to go see it and he flat out told me "I don't think so."

It rubbed me the wrong way. I could understand that he may not want to see that particular movie, but it felt awfully rude. I thought he was joking so I asked him if he was serious and he said "Yeah"

While we were getting ready to eat dinner, he asked me what we should watch and I said "How about Modern family?" and he said "No I'm not going to watch that. How about Wilfred?"


It made me incredibly quiet and unhappy. Why ask me if you're going to decide for me? I should have just walked out. It didn't even feel like a compromise and I was really bothered. I started thinking about it as I was just sitting there zoning out.

I made the mistake of running my mouth to one of my coworkers about dating this guy on and off for 5 months now and how it wasn't leading up to any good. I got more depressed when things didn't go my way- when he couldn't make me happy because he was selfish. Most of the time it's what he wanted to do, which was to stay home and do nothing- watch tv shows, HIS tv shows.
Then I started thinking about whether I was being unrealistic or demanding because I required too much attention and his schedule couldn't give me that. I know it's supposed to be a compromise somewhere in there, but whenever things didn't make me happy I thought that it wasn't fair.

Then my coworker mentioned that if my guy was always stressed, he should look at hanging out with me as an opportunity to get away from what was stressing him.

I wasn't happy.... and I felt that it was probably best for my sanity to move on.

Our relationship would start off very upbeat and exciting and then a short while later, approximately a month or so in, it would hit another snag and I became really depressed and very unhappy. It was a weird wave motion. A bad roller-coaster. Almost as if he was getting cold feet each time.

I wasn't sure that it would get better. I didn't see myself spending the rest of my life with him because I was more unhappy than content.

What was wrong with me? I felt so disillusioned. What would it take to make me feel that sense of euphoria again?

I was tempted to see how the Halloween weekend would go by. He said he'd come with me to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show, but even then it almost felt like he wasn't too into it anymore. I felt that Halloween weekend may be the last one we'd spend together, and I was hoping I'd be the one who ended it this time.

No comments:

Post a Comment