Scared of a relationship

Man, where do I even start???
I guess it'd be best to go back to the previous general entry: "You have boyfren?" since we seemed to be hitting a similar pattern with the IT Pilot, my boyfriend.

My friend, Slut Monster (huge Lady Gaga friend who sleeps around) had her going away party one evening because she was returning to France after she could no longer renew her VISA. I took the IT Pilot with me and I finally got to introduce him around to a couple of my friends. We had a mediocre meal, myself feeling incredibly uncomfortable since I didn't want to be around those people in the first place. We retreated back home rather early and went to sleep.

The weekend following, the IT Pilot went away on vacation with his parents to Yellowstone. I offered to stay at his apartment to feed his fish while he was gone, and I had a nice and big apartment to myself. It felt refreshing. He came back the next week and brought me back a souvenir, a t-shirt and magnet, since I'd done the same when I went to California recently.

However, with the way things were going, I didn't know if I saw this relationship going very far.  There were still some things that I wasn't comfortable with- especially the lack of communication during the week. My biggest concern was that he was too.... "hermity." I could sort of sense that things would get boring very quickly. I was trying to work my way around it, see if it was worth it, but I wasn't definitely 100% sure right now. I wanted him to.... prove to me that he wanted this more than I did, because until then, I was always going to be one foot in, one foot out.

 

The entire time I was having second thoughts about whether this relationship would work out, my friend Ozzie kept telling me that the the IT Pilot wasn't worth it, and that he couldn't possibly be the one to dump me again since I was the "hot one" in the relationship. "If he does that, he's an idiot, besides I think you're better off without him. Lazy guys that don't have any ambition outside of work will just in the long run make you more depressed.  You wear the pants in this relationship, remember that. If it came to, you would be the one better off " Ozzie had said.

Ozzie had told me not to worry about being dumped and to try to work through my insecurities. If the IT Pilot dumped me again, I'd be much better off than trying to deal with someone who was boring and always wanted to stay home. 

 

In the end, I wasn't sure what I really like about the IT Pilot anymore.

Was I attracted to his calm and quiet disposition, or his ambition and success?

Oh so you're married now?

Roger and I had a thing a few years back. I was too naive to know that he was merely  sewing his wild oats and not looking for anything serious. He went away to Afghanistan for work on a 5-year contract and hardly heard from him since.

During the course of the year, he messaged me through Facebook when he would see me online, but we hardly talked about anything interesting. He did however begin to act quite differently.

He brought up "our past"- which I had long ago filed into my "do-not-ever-revisit" folder which had worked out quite effectively.

At one point, Roger asked me to marry him, and I deduced it to be run of the mill shit talk. I blamed it on being so far away, alone, in a desert with no female in sight and only an internet connection to the outside world. It was natural for him to fall on me, a backup from years before.

While on my trip to Chile in late November, Roger messaged me once more.

It didn't affect me in any way. If anything, I was surprised he thought that I was still the same gullible girl as before, who was more than willing to eat it all up. He told me he was coming back to Houston for a visit in late December, to which I took as an invitation to hang out.

Boy was I wrong....

On the night of Shannon's going-away dinner, we went to a popular Mexican restaurant which I'd frequented years before with Roger and the gang, when we all hung out as a group. As I was paying for my drink, I look up at the other side of the counter and see him, along with two of our other acquaintances (a couple).

I try shouting out for him, but the noise in the bar is so much that he can't hear me calling him. I get my cell phone out to call him, but get his voicemail right away. When I look up, he finally sees me and a stare of shock/surprise comes up on his face. I try to wave him over to say hi, but he ignores it completely and tells me to come over instead. I make my way over, hug him and say hello to the other couple. The guy looks surprised as well and articulates clearly "This is Mrs. West, Roger's wife" and points to the woman behind me with a warning look.

"Wife?? Oh my gosh, congratulations!!" I tell her excitedly as I give her a welcome hug and introduce myself.

I turn around to look at Roger and give him a raised eyebrow and mouth "wife??" as he nervously looks away.

"When did you get married?" I ask

"5 days ago" she answers.

"Wooow. This is great!" I tell her.

I continue catching up with the other couple until our table is ready for dinner and I separate myself from them. I fill my friends in on the ordeal and tell them what had happened previously to which they say "%#@$ him."

At the end of our dinner, I decide to head over to say bye and feel someone grab me by the waist. I turn around, thinking that it was my gay friend, and come face to face with Roger who gives me a hug.

"So how you been?" he asks.

"You're married now? So was this before or after you proposed to me?" I ask him.

"Uuh....." he says as I trail off to find his friends.

I didn't care that he was married; if you ask me, he was duping everyone. What pissed me off was that he could be such an asshole. I know it's silly to think about it, and it was obvious that it wasn't actually real, but I can't help but think how many other girls he fed the same story to. I knew he hadn't changed, and I knew to keep my guard up- and for good reason obviously. He just wanted to get married. Didn't matter to who really.

One year later....

I just realized that it is my one year blogoversary today.  What better way to celebrate than to summarize the beautiful, crappy, exciting, sexy, and sad things that happened since the inception (no, not the movie) of this Survival Guide along with the things I have learned since then.

A year ago, I was researching my first apartment, and was in a complicated open relationship with my ex-boyfriend Sebastian. Sebastian became a character in this blog and garnered the affection and approval of quite a few readers even though he was very difficult to deal with.  He had excess baggage from his previous marriage, a lot of which carried over into our time.

I didn't speak up enough in the very beginning, but in time, I learned to voice out my concerns and frustrations with the help and support of you, my readers.

Even though I still hold some anger towards Sebastian, it is only because the end came before I wanted it.  Sebastian had always been a gentleman and I can't badmouth him. Things didn't work out between us, but he was great, unfortunately.

During the year, I also managed to go to Europe for a dozen days and explore other cultures. I experienced new things with Sebastian, and visited new places as well.

I also managed to go back to school and continue with the prerequesites for Business Administration. I lost my job at the construction company, and was dumped by Sebastian within the same time period.

I had my grieving period and started dating again- most of which have not managed to outlast the dreaded 2-week period [sigh].

Since Sebastian, I became involved with a few guys where it didn't quite work out. I wasn't romanced and pursued and quickly lost interest in the potential candidates.

I began a new job which showed me how to be part of a bigger team and feel much more appreciated than before. I learned to like and dislike the benefits of being single.

It's been an eventful year so far, and I really have no idea what's on my plate in my personal life from here on out.

The only thing I've got looking up for me is my next planned vacation during Thanksgiving Break: Chile and Peru, here I come!

On a special note:
To my subscribed readers and frequent visitors:

Thank you in the USA to : L.A., Modesto, Alameda, San Fran, Austin, Bourbonnais, Chicago, Racine, New York, Brooklyn, Pinellas Park, Lutz, Greensboro, Bellingham, Minneapolis, Dayton, Nashville, Atlanta, Portland, Phoenix, Midvale, and of course HOUSTON.

Canada: Saskatoon, Toronto and Don Mills

England= my favorite group of people!!: London, Wigan, Bootle, Liverpool, Canterbury, and Manchester

Norway: Bergen and Stavanger

Germany: Cologne, Berlin and Munich

Australia: Melbourne, Brisbane, Sydney, Adelaide

and special recognition in : Ireland, France, the Netherlands, Austria, Switzerland, Italy, Spain, Greece, Russia, Poland, Philippines, India, Japan, New Zealand, Argentina, Brazil and Chile

This blog is for you.
Thank you.

What I really mean when I say the following

The dating scene has been.... exciting to say the most. I've met some great guys, funny, intelligent and all respectful- real gentlemen, thank God. About half of them went as far as the third date, while the other half never made it past the first.

It got me thinking the other day while I was reading an article on Yahoo about the things guys will say, and the truth behind those expressions. I figured I'd add my two cents in to contribute my own version of encrypted statements.

What I say: We really shouldn't
What I really mean: If I didn't stop drinking after one beer and I'm in your apartment, you can bet that I REALLY WANT TO, but I don't want to get burned like I did the last time around. I'm only sleeping with you if you're my boyfriend. SO at least pretend to give me that.

What I say: I just don't think we clicked
What I really mean: You aren't attractive enough for me to overlook that and be sold on your personality alone.

What I say: You really need to visit California/Vegas/any major place I've been
What I really mean: I'm hoping we can date long enough so that we can take this trip together.

What I say: I've had sex with 3 guys
What I really mean: I've had vaginal sex with 3 different guys. You'll figure out the rest in time when I'm more comfortable talking about it with you.

What I say: What's your longest relationship?
What I really mean: Are you more for long term or short term?

What I say: Are you and your ex on speaking terms?
What I really mean: How did your romance end? Will I consider her a threat in our relationship; Will she make appearances or be brought up a lot in conversations?

What I say: How are you with kids?
What I really mean: Can you get along with younger kids, prefereably my 10-year twin sisters so one day we can all go out together.

What I say: Heeeey, haven't heard from you in a while.
What I really mean: Where the @$%& have you been and why haven't you called until now?!

What I say: So what's a regular week like for you?
What I really mean: I want to know your schedule so I can tell if you're avoiding me when you don't call because you're "busy" all of a sudden after the first date

What I say: I had a great time. We should do this again sometime.
What I really mean: Call me tomorrow

What I say: Well, thank you for dinner/coffee. It was nice meeting you.
What I really mean: Yeah, this isn't going to work out.

What I say: Oh my God you're huge.
What I really mean: OMFG you're HUGE.:)

Looking past the "First Date Mistake"

Early Friday afternoon, my boss came up to my desk and said "I have two tickets to the Astros game tonight. Do you want them?" "Sure, yes!" I answered.  "Here, take them. Have fun. I want to see pictures on Monday."
 
As a good friend, I texted one of my girlfriends first to see if she wanted to go but said she couldn't. I had two other options: two guys I was currently talking to. One was Aaron, the other was Nate. I had befriended them both on Facebook in the hopes of finding out if they had more pictures that would help me determine if they were in fact as attractive as their profile pics.
 
I first accepted Aaron’s request and went to look at his pictures. I was very disappointed by what I found, or didn't find for that matter. Most of his pictures were 4 years old. Oh hell no. As we had talked earlier, I had asked him what kind of girl he was attracted to and he'd said someone who took care of herself physically saying he ran 3 miles every other day.
 
I really don't think you run cause the most recent picture showed a really chubby guy. Ugh. I hate guys who put "average" instead of "a few extra pounds". Man up and be honest!
 

Nate on the other hand appeared to be more physically fit and had a stare that really attracted me.
 
Aaron had already asked me out twice on too much of a short notice which I had turned down. Nate seemed like the perfect candidate so when my friend said no, I texted him if he was free that night to go to the game. He replied saying yes and we made plans to go for dinner before the game. I was a bit concerned that we might not be able to hit it off and that we'd be stuck with each other for 3 hours afterwards during the game.
 
Luckily we hit it off right away and had much to talk about. We arrived at the game and settled in to our seats right by the dugout and had a great time.
 

 
Even though I was attracted to Nate, I was concerned that he might not be attracted to me. This is what happens when you have low self esteem- you believe that you’re never good enough to be liked; Therefore I didn't want to get my hopes up for fear that it would backfire. When the game ended we remained in our seats to watch the fireworks display afterwards. He slowly put his arm around me and let me lay my head on his shoulder. The first step to mutual attraction [sighs.]
 
When the fireworks ended, Nate asked me if I wanted to go to the bar across the street. He got us drinks and as the alcohol slowly started taking over, the conversation became seemingly easier. We spent a few hours talking and soonafter challenged one another to darts; the loser would have to take a swig of beer. We were laughing, flirting with each other, and watching the other drunk people around us stumble to the ground. At one point, Nate said “Ok, the next game is for a kiss.”
 
I went along for it, not realizing that either way, we would end up kissing- that’s how drunk I was.  I lost, brought his face towards my lips and kissed him. We continued playing, getting a kiss after each game, and eventually went back out onto the porch so he could smoke a cigarette.

I'm sorry, what? "You smoke?" I asked. "Only when I drink" he said. Ew... gross.  He pulled out a fancy black box from his pocket and showed me what he smoked.

 
"See, look. It's an e-cigarette" he pointed out.
 
I admit I was curious and asked if I could try it. It felt like smoking hookah. The filter he was using was mentholated and wasn't as painful as taking a long drag from a regular cigarette. The air I exhaled turned out to be a water vapor instead of "second hand smoke." He only took about 3 drags from the cigarette during the night and put it away each time.
 
At one point, we ended up talking with a few other drunk people outside on the patio and can't quite remember how it lead to the discussion of dating but I remember him telling one of the older women there "Yeah, this is our first date."
 
"First date? really? Awww..... Honey look! It's their first date" she commented to her male partner.
 
I couldn't help but feel both happy and sad at the same time. Happy to hear him acknowledge our meeting as a date to strangers, but sad that this would be the only "first date" we'd experience. The excitement for each other would never be able to amount to that first night we spent together; I'd never be able to feel that confused, happy, giddy feeling in my stomach ever again as I did during our first date.


As the bar closed down, it was time to go back. We weren't ready to call it a night and wanted to stay together, but couldn't think of any place to go to just talk. The only options were to go to a 24-hour diner and get something to eat, or back to the other's place; I'd promised myself that as much as I wanted to be near him, it wouldn't be the right thing to do on the first date. I admit I wouldn't mind doing it, but I know it's not the greatest idea- we all know what happened when I rushed things with Matt, the marine right?
 
I had to go pick up my car at work, so we stayed in the parking lot for a while. Some time later, I actually dozed off or passed out, and woke up to us kissing, his hand caressing my breast, unbuttoning my shirt.
 
Wait, what? What's going on? I was completely out of it, and even though I noticed we were kissing, my ability to react wasn't all in place and I didn't respond until he was halfway through my buttons. I knew his hand was there, but my mind just reacted too late. Or maybe subconsciously, I wanted it as well.  I stopped him, fumbled slowly to get my buttons back on, let out a small sigh of frustration and got out of the truck. I walked back to my car without looking back and got in. A few minutes later he left.

On the way home, I received the following text from him:

“Ok, I guess I shouldn’t expect a reply but I thought we were messing around. I’m sorry if I crossed a line I didn’t know or else I wouldn’t have. I just thought we were both enjoying it. I’m really confused right now and I hope you’re ok. If you need something let me know.  I really did like you and I didn’t mean to cross that line.”

I thought about texting back when I got home but decided to call and chew him out instead.

“Why would you do that?” I questioned.
“I’m sorry, I just thought we were in the moment and that you felt the same way. I’m really sorry” he replied.
“I was asleep when you started doing that” I told him.
“Well, you were kissing me back so I didn’t think you were” he said
“I’m drunk, and I’m really disappointed in you Nate” I said.
“Oh man, I’m really sorry. The last thing I want you to think is that I took advantage of you. It’s just….. it’s been so long for me… I’m really really sorry” he admitted.

I could sense he was legitimately sorry and decided to give him one more chance. “I can admit that all the drinking we did tonight impaired us a lot and made us do things we probably wouldn’t have done sober. So tell you what, sleep on it. Think about what you’ve done, and if you want to talk to me again, you’ll call me tomorrow,” I told him bluntly.

“I don’t need to wait until tomorrow” he said.

I have my reasons for letting this slide. For one, a lot worse happened with my last boyfriend Sebastian, on our first date last year. I actually cried as I drove back home. I was blindsided and let things progress to benefit him solely. I was very ashamed of what had happened. Sebastian apologized profusely, and the very next day brought me roses and took me to dinner. Yep, that’s the way to do it!

With Nate, I didn’t let things go that far, and I know that alcohol played a big role in me letting loose and dropping my guard substantially. But I also walked away quietly and made him ashamed of what he’d done.  In a way, I knew we would end up making out if I stayed longer in his truck- however, the whole unbuttoning-the-shirt thing threw me off guard completely. I wasn’t expecting that at all.  I’m not going to lie and say it felt horrible. It felt good and it was pleasant, but I knew this shouldn’t be happening on a first date, so I put a stop to it. I’m pretty sure that if I would have told him “No” in the moment, he would have stopped also.

The next day, around 2 o’clock, Nate called me and we talked for about an hour before he went to sleep (he works graveyard shift.)  I didn’t feel like bringing up the incident, and ultimately swept it under the rug.  I invited him over for breakfast at my apartment on Sunday morning and we spent a couple of hours talking and watching TV. We didn’t make any other plans past the week, and due to our schedules, haven’t talked on the phone, but we’ve been able to text a few times and are planning to meet up again on Friday night.

If I let it, I know sex can happen, but after what happened with Matt, I’m not willing to put myself into that position. I know it’s better to wait and get to know each other, so that when the act does happen, there’s actually feelings involved and better chances that it may last longer than just a couple of weeks.

Or maybe I’m just a modern girl trying to exercise power and control. Yeah, we’ll see how that goes….

I think my safeguard is to just not shave prior to Friday.
Any ideas on how to withhold sex?

Things are tough!

The week has continued with more ups and downs. I've broken down more than once.

The interview on Monday with the kid's center went by great however! It actually lasted close to 3 hours. I'm not kidding. There were a lot of psychological questions which really didn't tie in with the job description itself. A lot of "how do you deal with kids", "explain a difficult or frustrating time you've experienced with a child"; "what is your favorite age group" and etc.

I also met up with the AP manager who asked me a handful of questions too, and a maintenance technician as well. They were all very upbeat, but 3 hours for an interview was slowly starting to burn me out. The main person sounded very optimistic about my session and kept giving me high hopes and throwing hints here and there that they would be calling me back for a second interview. He told that he would be calling me middle of next week with a yes or a no. On Thursday, he called me to schedule a second interview on Tuesday to meet with the CFO and asked if I wouldn't mind coming in for a computer literacy exam.  They are very picky. During the first interview, they made me sign off three different release waivers for permission to contact any entity from my past in order to do background checks. I felt completely vulnerable, as if they could find something bad about me that could impede me from getting hired. (I do have a clean background by the way)

On Wednesday, over 2 weeks since my breakup from Sebastian, I caved. I noticed on his facebook that he was home sick and called him. We stayed on the phone for almost 2 hours, just talking about each other, us and things that had been going on.

"I noticed you'd gone back on Plenty of Fish" he said.

"Yeah, I did, but my profile is kept private" I told him.

"Yeah, I saw your updated profile and the part that your profile is private. 'If you can see me it's probably because I added you as a favorite' and you saying you're not ready to date" he commented

"Yes. You're probably a favorite still from the last time" I told him.

"Don't worry, in a few months, you'll be ready to date again" he offered.

"I hope so." I told him.

We hung up and then, couldn't hold myself back any more- I decided to drive up to see him. As I pulled into his apartment complex, I called him and asked him if I could come up.  He sighed and said "I don't think it's a good idea." Silence. "Where are you?" he asked.

"I'm pulling into your parking lot." I answered. He sighed again "Alright, fine. Come on up."

As I walked in, he greeted me with a grin saying "Ren, Ren. What are you doing here?"

"I was bored" I said.

I stayed for a couple of hours until it got late and he said "I don't want to kick you out and it's not like you can stay here."

I never once kissed him on the lips, but he kissed on the cheeks and forehead as he tried to comfort me. There was a lot of hugging, making it more difficult to let go. At one point, he got an erection which I didn't realize until he told me. "Sorry. It's just, been a long time" he said. I tried to suggest to do it one last time until he told me "It's not a good idea. I don't want to fall back into the same habit we did the last time around. It will never be over."

"No. We wouldn't" I told him.

"It would just make it harder for you to move on. We shouldn't." he said.

I know.....

"And it's not that I don't want to. Trust me, the proof is right there" he added with a smile.


And then, I realized what a gentleman he had always been with me. From the first time, to the last time, sex had been important and a big deal. He didn't push the first time. He actually backed off because he didn't want to rush into it.

So we didn't. He didn't use me when I was at my weakest point and I respect him for respecting me and our breakup. A lot of other guys would have gone ahead with it and strung the other person along until they were bored, but I've had luck with guys and respect after a breakup. Once it's really over, there's nothing more- the way it should be. I miss him a lot, especially on the days we would meet to hang out. I miss hanging out casually with only plans to hang indoors. It hurts because I am weak and it is still fresh, but I have to accept the fact that it didn't work out and learn to move on. It's not me or him- it's a combination of both.

I saw Sebastian again earlier today as he drove into my area of town to shop at a specialty store. He came to pick up the last of his stuff at my apartment. He finally got his new car, but I didn't even listen to him as he was telling me about the purchase because I didn't really care. I tried to act as if it didn't phase me that he was sitting right on my bed, but my heart was hurting. I tried to keep a conversation but I was still partially angry and hurt. A short while later, he left and we hugged outside in the parking lot as I also left. He turned around one last time and said with a smile "Take care Ren." I waved and said " Bye Seb."

I need laughter. It's the only thing that keeps tears coming down. I want to be happy again.

He had to break my heart

He had to break my heart for me to move on.

I wouldn't have moved on if we'd remained friends because that's what happened last time, and that's how we fell into an open relationship for a few months before committing once again.

It lasted one year exactly, and I noticed how much he changed during the seasons.

It was exciting at first, he wanted to be with me. We talked for 13 hours straight the day before we met. He even blurted the words "marry me!" on our first conversation and gave me the most shocking compliment anyone had ever given me when we first met: "You're beautiful" followed by a smile that made my heart skip a beat.

Then he slowly started breaking my heart with the accidental things he said about his exes and his wandering eyes.......... but against my better judgment, I continued with him.

He broke my heart real bad during the summer- 4 months in. He broke up with me out of the blue. It's true that about a month prior to the breakup, I'd begun feeling very unhappy. He wasn't making me happy because of the things he would say.

I cried hard for a while, but two days later, we saw each other again with the plans to give each other some things we'd left behind. I can't remember how we morphed back together, but it wasn't pleasant 100% of the time.

I remembered crying to him weeks later, still lost and confused as if to whether we would get back together again. I began dating again, but with a lump in my throat- as if I were cheating both sides. I wanted to move on, but I also wanted Sebastian. A couple of months went by, and I decided to commit to Sebastian full time, and we slowly evolved into a real couple without me realizing it. We traveled to Europe together and had a great time back at home also. We joked and laughed non-stop the days we spent together. I was happy, and I knew he was happy with me too.

He was a great partner, and we never fought about anything. We got along great. Every once in a while, I'd open up to him about certain aspects of our relationship, and he'd listen in on my opinions.

But then out of the blue, he ended it. He broke my heart again, and even though he said he wanted to remain friends, I knew deep down I would not be able to put him in my past and get over him if I continued on daily speaking terms. And I believe it's only fair. If you don't want to date me because you don't feel you're meant to be with me, then I don't want to talk to you every night or have sex with you to fulfill your needs.

He told me repeatedly he didn't believe in long term relationships. Not in general- but for himself. 5 years and that was it. I don't believe in marriage necessarily as the solution to "together forever" but I definitely do believe in long term relationships. And with Sebastian, I knew that wasn't possible.

I know he's confused about what he wants. He wants the companionship but in my opinion doesn't want the long term commitment. I sense he'd get bored and move on. He's solitary, and he's okay with that most of the time, but like all men, needs that physical aspect of a relationship. I don't know if he's noticed, but most of the time, you can't have one without the other. Well, technically you can, but my guess is it's unhealthy and sporadic. He's safe with his sex life and not promiscuous. I don't know how long that would last. I guess he'd be okay with year long relationships every year.

In the meantime, I'm taking a break from dating. My heart needs to grieve and heal, and I need to work on myself again before I jump back into the dating scene. I don't want to assert too much self confidence because I'm still fragile to rejection. Sebastian made me into a better person and was a great teacher; I learned so much from him. I can only hope I'm able to keep what I've learned and bring it into the next relationship as effortlessly as I did with him.

Ren as a housewife?

"Do you see yourself as a housewife?" asked Sebastian.

My eyes widened at the thought.

"Um....  maybe" I answered. "It depends really."

"I'm still very traditionalist when it comes to raising kids. I believe it's best for the mother to stay at home for the first three years" he said.

I think I would go insane. I don't mind the cleaning, but when you throw a crying baby in there, I tend to freak out. I know I would not be able to handle it well. I don't handle it well now with my young sisters.

"I totally agree with what you're saying; I would prefer for the mother to stay at home, just like my mother did for me. But it's also not good because it leads to dependence. Look at me- Dependent until 25 years old!" I added

"Well, that's why I meant only the first three years- when the kid won't remember much. You think you'd get frustrated?" he continued.

"Yeah, I think so. I'd have to do something else, a part time job. Something" I answered.

"Yeah, you'd have to get like a hobby or something" said Sebastian

"But I also think there'd be other factors involved, such as the cost of daycare. If the mother could work and make more money than the daycare, than it'd be a good idea. But if she made less money, than it'd be obvious she'd have to stay at home and take care of the child" I said.

"Oh yes, I see what you mean"  he added.

I couldn't help but wonder why he had, out of the blue, asked the question about kids. It's not as if we're planning on getting married- We haven't even said the "L" word to each other. He seems to be completely opposed to the idea of marriage after his divorce. Furthermore, I feel completely useless without a job right now. What kind of team would that make?

I know what he wants. He wants a family, kids, the total, package. And I don't. I've never really thought about doing it. It's as if I don't see myself as a fit mother- I see myself as a fit companion, as if that would be my best job. I don't "crave the need" to have kids. Could my mind change? I really don't know.

My heart skips a beat when I see a toddler quietly walking next to his mother. But when I hear the scream, I cringe and worry. I admit that I didn't participate much in my sisters's upbringings, and that was because I was not warm or affectionate towards them. I sort of regret it, because it was a great thing to be able to pick them up when they were running around. But they were also very hard to deal with, and I wasn't particularly interested in kids. I hardly participate with them now..... it feels like a drag, and they're 10 and have voices. I get along better with one of them, but I'm strict and very stern with both of them. The answer is mostly always "no" whenever they ask for something. I don't know where it comes from, and I wish I was more warm with them.  I wish I was one of those women who LOVED to have kids and could work with them at schools, etc. I envy that. It's almost as if I wasn't programmed to love anyone but a partner. Will it change when I have a kid of my own? Can I love someone more than my partner? It makes me sad, because it's not fair.

Recently, I've noticed Sebastian has been a bit more open with his.... actions, flirting and little quirks that would normally embarrass a person. I'm talking about little giggles and sounds that would make anyone raise an eyebrow; So when he told me "I'm glad I can act this way around you. I couldn't do that around my ex-wife. She'd give me a weird look," my heart smiled.

"I'm glad you can act yourself around me. I wouldn't want you to hold back" I told him.

I loved his colleagues

I don't know if they're thinking the same thing about me, but I personally have to say I fell in love with them. They are the type of people I could totally be myself with. I don't have to impress or really think twice about how they view me.

We met up for pizza around 11-ish, before the movie, even though none of us really wanted to eat. Sebastian ordered a medium pizza for everyone, but I could only grab a slice because the $50 per person lunch he'd taken me to earlier that day at the Brazilian steakhouse was still whooshing around in my stomach. It's expensive, but soooo well worth the experience. You can definitely taste the quality of the meal. I'm not talking about the $50 in your mouth, but when you spend most of your time dining at Applebee's 2 for $20 deal meal, you are definitely taken aback with their menu.

Sebastian ended up having about 5 different types of meats. Their salad bar was just as delicious. The food melts in your mouth.

As we met his colleagues, I was instantly greeted with wide smiles and laughter. The feel-good type of laughter. I didn't talk much, but that's only because I'm rather shy around new people and first meetings. It takes me a bit to warm up to people.

We then went onto to RHPS to catch the show and had a great time as we watched one of the colleagues experience her first live audience show.

For Valentine's Day, I was left with babysitting my sisters because my mom worked. Sebastian still came over to take us out to eat, and to please my sisters, opted for a Chinese buffet on our side of town.

Overall, everything came out good. Sebastian tried to slide in the Japan trip again in between conversations by telling me he'd been practicing more lessons on his way to work. He looked at me and said "You're coming with me right?"

Uh.....uh..... am I?

"I wasn't invited" I answered.

He looks at me and says "Ren, you know you're welcome to come-"

Oh great, that's nice!

-"well, actually, I don't know now that you don't have a job [nervous laughter.] I mean, I haven't planned anything formal yet, and I don't know if I'll be able to afford for the both of us [laughs.] I guess we'll see!" he finished.

Damn it, my dreams were crushed faster than they were built.

Getting a good job has become my ticket to travel now! Blargh

Boyfriend's Appreciation

A few days prior, I had asked Sebastian if he would care for some stuffed mushrooms. Not one to cook, I somehow expected him to welcome this suggestion with praise. My willingness to prepare something was quickly shot down with "Why?"

I'm offering dinner and he's questioning it?? Does he not realize that I never cook and I want to do something that takes effort?

"Because I'm bored" I answered incorrectly.

"Shouldn't you be looking for a job instead?" he asked.

Low blow. That hurt.

He apparently didn't see it the same way I did. No need to make a nice gesture after all.

A silence washed over the phone line.  

Fine. Let him not have it.

"Yeah, you're right. Forget I mentioned it" I retaliated.

"Well, I didn't mean it negatively. I just think you should be looking for a job instead of worrying about cooking, that's all. Don't take it wrong Ren. I mean, ok you can-" he said

"No no, you're absolutely right. I shouldn't be wasting time" I said.  Nevermind feeling completely useless with no job, and wanting to do something nice for the boyfriend, my idea was being shot down before I even bought the ingredients.

"Oh crap. 'Why did you say anything Sebastian?' Damn it..... I just lost the mushrooms didn't I?" he asked

"No, you're just right about taking time to cook when I should be looking for a job. Don't worry about it" I concluded.

I was already disappointed.

Why did he have to question my offer? I just wanted to do something nice. It wasn't even about being bored. That wasn't true at all. I just wanted to feel useful for a moment. And I truly felt like he deserved it. In my mind, all I could think about was how generous he'd always been to me. He'd always cooked and prepared the meals. All I could do was make spaghetti and bake simple things. I didn't want him to think of me as lazy or useless.

I decided to go to the gym later that night to wear out my frustration. I didn't wear it out; I don't exercise vigorously, but I did melt it off. I watched the TV monitors and I started watching this new show I hadn't heard of: Modern Family. I nearly busted out laughing at a few occasions, and I felt my smile growing back.  By the time I left, I was happy again.

I talked to Sebastian on the next day and he asked what I had been up to. I told him I had gone off to the gym when he asked "To beat a punching bag as you envisioned me?"

Silly boy.

"They didn't have bags. I just walked it off, and felt much better" I said.

"Was it because you were still upset about what I said?" he asked.

Well that's good he noticed I was upset.

"Yes. But I'm better now" I told him.

Later on during the week, I went back to his place, and decided to prepare those mushrooms after all. They were a success, and two days later, Sebastian was still thanking me for dinner.

I finally felt appreciated.

His emotional insecurities

I think we might of had a breakthrough!

Late last night, amidst my studying economics and his FPS game on his PC, we managed to somehow trail into a conversation of emotional comfort.

It has unnaturally taken quite a lot of guts for me to open up about my feelings to Sebastian. From previous posts, I have mentioned to shy away from confrontation and not talk about my insecurities about my relationship with Sebastian. I think one of the main reasons has to do with him being the dominant character of the relationship. Regardless of who it is, when the other person has control (friend, parent, colleague, boss), I don't speak up much.

Then last night, out of nowhere, I had a sudden burst of confidence and spoke the truth: "I really don't see you as an emotional person."

"Why do you say that?" he asked.

"I can just tell. You're not like that.  I know it'll sound totally cliché at what I'm about to say but...... you're not..... really in touch with my emotional needs" I admitted.

At the sound of this, he kind of chuckled.

"You're right. It does sound clichéd" he said.

"You're not in touch with your emotional side either" I added.

"Do you really want me to be more in touch with my feminine side?" he quipped.

"Yep, I knew you were going to smart mouth, but understand this: I don't mean to insult you, it's just.... I don't understand why you don't comfort when I'm upset" I continued.

"But I don't hurt your feelings. I take care of you when you're sick" he quickly defended.

"I know, and I don't want you to think that you hurt me on me purpose. It has happened before, and I really don't think you do it out of malice. And yes, it's true that you're always there to nurse me back to health when I'm sick. I'm very appreciative of that; I don't want you to think I'm attacking you. But when I'm upset, you're more likely to treat me like one of the guys- you comfort with a tap on the head. I feel like we can't talk about our feelings because you don't really care..... it's not your thing to do, or you think it's silly" I confessed.

He laughed a bit more and said "Oh Ren, it has nothing to do with that. And the whole 'pat on the head' thing, trust me, I don't do that with my male friends. "

"I know that. I was just trying to compare" I answered.

He paused for a while, trying to form an appropriate answer and finally said "It's not that I don't care. It's just that.... I don't know..... how to comfort. I feel there's nothing I could say to make the situation better. I put myself in your shoes, and feel that if I were the one who's upset, I would want to be left alone. There's nothing anyone could say to make me feel better."

Oh my- duh!! He is a guy! I completely understood. It finally made sense!

"Ok, I understand now. I actually do the same thing when it comes to friends and family. I don't know how to comfort; but when it comes to my partner, I always know how. It makes sense to me now that you didn't comfort me when I was upset about something" I reasoned.

Slowly but surely, we are tackling the relationship issues that have been on my mind for quite some time. It puts me at ease to know that I don't need to overstress on it anymore; I got my concerns answered.

Job Loss +7 days

Oh my dear fellow readers- the comments on one of my last post made me chuckle and happy at the same time. There was a reason why I decided to post that blog before posting this one; because in 3 weeks' time, Sebastian had changed dramatically. Needless to say, I still felt I needed to document what had happened 3 weeks ago, in case the topic came up again and you would know what the hell was happening.

Maybe it's my negativity or pessimism that I felt towards Sebastian not too long ago that made him an easy target; or maybe it was that the relationship wasn't perfect- it's still far from it. This blog initially began on shaky grounds- catapulting into independence with an open relationship with Sebastian, that turned into a semi-committed one without me even realizing it. Needless to say, I'll still be sharing the tricky situations I manage to get myself into during my adulthood.

It's been an entire week since I've lost my job and I still don't have solid leads on anything! ZILCH! I've sent out résumés, emailed 11 recruiters, signed up with job search engines, and told my friends (to try to get a word in) and I've yet to receive a call back! The only thing I've got in the works is a testing appointment with the Census Board about doing temporary work.

My old job in the meantime is keeping me afloat part time. My boss called me Tuesday afternoon to tell me not to come in on Wednesday because there wasn't enough work to be done, and my other boss wasn't in. Instead, I came over on Thursday to complete payroll and tie up loose ends with other things such as invoices, vendors, and workers' applications. I got paid for that day and left with some pride. I'm still optimistic that everything will work out, even if my bosses aren't able to give me back my old job as they REALLY hope will happen. Nope- at this point, I'm on my own.

Sebastian has been a real sweetheart lately [See the dramatic change?] Not a moment goes by that we are not able to laugh. I can sense things definitely changing between us-  for the better. He's always smiling, laughing which proves me that he's genuily happy. He also rushed to see me last week when I told him about the job loss (right at the same moment I was thinking of going to see him; fortunately we didn't cross paths) and brought me these beautiful purple flowers. My favorite color.

 I spent most of the week at his place using the internet, and helped him make meals and clean his apartment. Late on Wednesday night he turns to me and says "It's been really good having you here everyday. It makes preparing meals a lot easier when there are two people involved. Hey! How would you feel about coming over more often to have dinner ready when I come home. Eh eh?" he said with a slight chuckle.

Now Pause. I know this sounds sexist to all women, and I'm not going to lie, it did to me too- but only for a split second. "Well, if you paid for my gas for me to get up here, I'd consider it if I had an easy schedule" I told him.

"Hmmm..... hmmmm..... interesting....... I'll think about it," he answered.

Yeah that's right. It's not so easy when there are demands!

The way I see it- he's teaching me how to cook. My mom is a great cook, but I never got to learn from her. I think I just didn't really care to. Plus, she's not the best teacher; kind of like "Those who can't do, teach." Well in her case it's more like "I can, so I do" and she always ends up finishing making the meals- leaving me watching TV on the side.

Plus, if Sebastian were to pay for gas and groceries- I think I might have just scored. I'd actually have real food in my belly instead of fast food. And anyway, I see it as balanced work- he's been making the meals since we met- almost one year, so I figure it's only fair that I finally put some effort in that aspect of the relationship.

In the meantime, I'm remaining calm about the job loss and taking in as much of the positive vibes and effort that everyone is giving me.

Optimism is definitely working for me this year. That, and the funny photo ops I see around Houston:

Outside a Chinese Restaurant:

 

Translation- Wanted: Woman to clean tables with experience; who speaks little English is better.

Facebook status updated

Yes, we have finally transitioned into the world of coupledom. Back from dinner one night, I finally got the guts to mention to Sebastian that I wanted to switch our statuses on Facebook. He gladly obliged, so while logged on, he went to edit his info, and dropped down to change status. He even went as far as putting my name down and anniversary date.

 I swallowed hard.

Do I really want every member of his family to know my full name?

The next day, he told me a colleague of his had tried her hand at flirting by coyly mentioning “So… uh… I noticed you had changed your relationship status. How long has it been?”

“Almost a year” he answered.

“Oh wow…..I had no idea” she said.

“Yeah…. I don’t talk about my private life” he told her.

That’s right- we’ve actually been dating since March of last year.

I felt we were slowly coming to an acceptance with our relationship, and that he was finally taking it seriously by updating his status. 

Oh what the hell- who am I kidding? You know very well that Facebook relationship status to a girl is one of the most important statuses she can change. He's taken! Step off! We all dread going back to "single" so when we make the jump to "in a relationship" we instantly expect a fanfare to play out in our celebration.

I wanted it so badly, and the few friends who noticed the change made the wait worthwhile.

I quickly damned myself for posting other links, statuses and photos soon after, resulting in an immediate oversight on this mother of all statuses!

Jealousy for the wrong reasons

[This post is a little old- approximately.... 3 weeks old. I felt I needed to post it now, before I continue with a more positive side of Sebastian.]

Sebastian texted me the other day to tell me that he had been promoted at work, which included a raise, bonus, and 2 more weeks of vacation. 2 more weeks. That's 4 weeks a year.

My GOD!

I was really happy for him, and knew he had worked very hard to get where he was at, but I couldn’t help but feel a smidge of jealousy in all of this.


“What am I going to do with two extra weeks a year?” he texted back.

“I don’t know; travel, or do absolutely nothing like xmas and feel great afterwards”

“Or both! Lol” he wrote back

Later that night, he called me so he could tell me with more excitement about the great news. “Looks like I’ll be able to go to Japan in September after all”

Fu……..ck……

Gee, I wonder what’s going in September. Could it have anything to do with a Japanese girl getting married perhaps?

Oh you better invite me!

He didn't mention anything more, and my resentment grew deeper. Why aren't I invited? Hell, I invited him to Europe! Why can't he invite me to Japan?

I can't remember if it was later on in the conversation, or the next day, but he finally did mention the Japan trip again.... though.... I noticed he choked as he asked "Would you...... say..... like to go..... to Japan?"

Finally!! Hellz yes!

"Sure, it would give me another stamp on my passport," I said unaffected.

"But could you afford it?" he asked.

"Well, I have enough in savings now. I don't know about next year, cause I'll be using that money for school- so if anything, I'd rather travel this year" I answered

"Oh well, we still have a lot of time to talk about that. I mean, I'm not even sure if I'll be able to go" he concluded.

Huh, interesting. So did he just "offer to invite" because he thought I wouldn't be able to go? Did he do so because it would be more appropriate to ask, never in a million years thinking I would actually consider it?

"It happened twice already"

I spent the last weekend with Sebastian, amidst my silence on my health issues. He wasn't too worried about the situation, only stating "And I thought we had seen the last of scares with the Hepatitis last year."

Facebook still says we're single. I wanted to use the weekend as an opportunity to bring it up, but after my "lab scare" felt very hesitant about possibly having to take it back down if we broke up as an effect of my blood work and lab results.

We had been going thru his friends and family on Facebook  when he noticed his wife's cousin had apparently posted a very personal comment on her wall about her marriage. Something along the lines of "Is fed up of being #2 after other women with a husband who doesn't believe in the sanctity of marriage."

We both looked at each other, unsure of what the comment really meant.

"Am I reading this right?" I asked

"Wait, I'm not sure either" he answered.

"Did she just say he cheated on her?" I asked again.

"I don't know.... but it sure does sound like it" he said.

A while later, he got on the topic of relationships. "Most men in our family can't hold onto a relationship. I don't know if it's the men that can't make it work, or if it's genetic" he stated. "I mean, my dad separated from my mom, and then dated no more than 4 years with some other women. As for me, look at me, it's already happened twice."

"Uh huh" I said without flinching.

"I mean, I know it's harsh to say it to your face, I don't know about the future. Or maybe I'm jaded, and it could work out between us two" he concluded.

Damn, I wish a had a recording device to air that sh*t out sometimes.

It strengthens me and makes me treat our relationship super casually. It seems to be what he wants anyway, so why put more effort into it? He seems to be fine with our relationship.

But was he always like this? I only have two other long term relationships to compare ours with, and the guys were very dedicated and passionate about "us." Sebastian really isn't.

When I came back home for New Year's, his Facebook had been left on. His friend messaged him as he was at work, and I told the friend he wasn't home. I told him who I was, and he said to tell Sebastian hello when he came back that evening.  Just recently, I went through his phone (cause I have trust issues) and saw their conversation on his text messages:

Friend: Uh.... some chick named Ren just talked to me through your Facebook.  I thought it was you.
Sebastian: Unbelievable! I leave her alone for 5 minutes! Ok, I'll tell her.
Friend: Who is she?
Sebastian: She's a girl I've been seeing on and off. 

Oh the nerve! That's not what you told me you'd talked about when I saw you that day after work!

Sebastian: So uh.... I see you talked to my friend today. What was that all about?
Ren: Oh, well you left your Facebook on and he messaged you. So I messaged him back to say you were at work. It's all right there on the screen. You can check.
Sebastian: Oh, cause he was confused. He didn't know who you were.
Ren: Uh huh....
Sebastian: Yeah, I had to remind him that you were Ren- the chilean girl.
Ren: Uh huh....

Yeah.... I'm just rolling my eyes now.

Confused while under the influence

This weekend was both horrible and good at the same time.

Horrible in the sense that I was sick as a dog with a urinary tract infection and a cold; Good because Sebastian took great care of me as we "bonded."

My parents were on their way back from California, but I was in no mood to spend time with them. Instead, I asked Sebastian if he could make me some chicken soup because I knew I’d feel better the moment I ate it. So I went to his place on Friday night after I did the grocery shopping and he spent about 3 hours preparing the chicken noodle soup- boiling the chicken, making the broth, and preparing the noodles. I quietly watched him prepare it, paying close attention to the preparation process so that I could one day make it myself. We slurped the soup with much gusto, as I quietly felt my worries melting away.

He got on Facebook to check updates when he mentioned “You know, we never changed our status back to ‘In a relationship.’ It still says ‘Single.’”

My eyes opened up in amazement with a mouth full of noodles.

Oh my god….. he finally realized it!

I tried to keep my cool and said “Yeah, you’re right.”

“I think we should change that,” he added.

That’s great! Yes! We should! Finally! I’m tired of seeing SINGLE on HIS profile. But what did I do? Did I change the status?

“Hmmm, yeah,” I answered nonchalantly.

Nope. Missed it again.

[Sighs] Next time. I still want HIM to initiate the move.

The following day, Sebastian used the chicken to make enchiladas. Seeing as to how he had unselfishly prepared the chicken soup, I took it upon myself to shred the chicken- which took more than an hour. As I was shredding, my mind slowly started wandering to the status of our relationship.

How were we doing? Should I open up more? Should I tell him what’s bugging me? Should I bring up the positivity?

The previous night, I had spent more than an hour on the phone with one of my best friends. I had told her that I was having doubts about my relationship with Sebastian in pretty much the same way as the first time around. Then I told her what my other friend had said to me: “She said I was too negative. Do you think that could affect the way he feels about me? Am I putting too much pessimistic vibes in our relationship?”

“Probably. You need to be happy with yourself first. If he sees that you’re not happy, then he’s going to ultimately think ‘Why should I be happy with her if she’s not happy with herself?’ ” she commented.

Deep. It makes sense.

“Ok then. I know that I have to keep fighting to be positive then” I told her.

A while later, under the influence, I took a break from chicken shredding and Sebastian took over. He normally gets more hyper whereas I get relaxed, so I let him talk his head off. Shortly after, he said “I like the girl who’s crazy and mentally unstable. I think it has a lot to do with who I was raised by, my mother being crazy. You know what I mean?”

“Uh yeah. You generally tend to look for, if not prefer, a partner that is similar to your parent” I stated.

“Yes, that’s right. That’s what I'm looking for in a girl: a bit crazy, even though I know it won’t work. That’s what I’m attracted to.”

Even though I was inebriated, I heard and understood every word he said.

“Sebastian, I don’t understand why you always talk about the girl you’re looking for, as in referencing the next girl you’re going to date, when I’m right here” I bluntly pointed out.

“No no, I think you misunderstand me” he tried to say.

“Uh, no. I think I hear it quite simply. You’re always talking about dating, as in the future; after me. I don’t get it. I’m right here.”

“No Ren, that’s not it. I’m only speaking from experience; Who I’ve always been with. Did you see it work out with the others? No. So I know it may seem as if I’m looking for the next thing, but no, that’s not what I mean when I say it.”

It got me even more confused by the way he explained it that I just dropped the subject. Somehow, a while later, I tried to understand what he was trying to clarify, and turned out that he mentioned what he wanted in a girl from what he had previously experienced.

It made more sense. That’s as if I were saying “I want a guy who’s outgoing and exciting,” when Sebastian clearly isn’t the outgoing type. He’s the hermit. But that’s not to say I’m actively looking for the next catch. Sebastian balances himself out. He’s got Pros and Cons- way more Pros than Cons, therefore allowing the chance to offset those qualities I’m not particularly fond of.

I know relationships aren’t 100% perfect. There’s an imperfect balance.

For the rest of the weekend, Sebastian continued to be more caring and still upbeat for me. We didn’t go out, which didn’t bother me too much as it was in the low 40s all weekend long. However, I noticed him smile often, and laugh a whole lot more. It felt nice.

"I'm surprised you can laugh at the silly things I say. Sometimes they're not even that funny but dumb" he mentioned.

"So are you saying I'm dumb for laughing at the things you say?" I asked.

"No. Just that I'm glad we can laugh at just about anything together. It's fun" he added.