He met The One, again.

As I sat there, with the IT Pilot's profile photo staring right back at me, I felt a sudden rush of blood go through my face. It was official- he had chosen the girl who wouldn't put out, over me. I bet it was a lot easier to decide to stay with her after I had given it to him. I wonder what happened that weekend to make him decide to stay with her, I thought. 

I'll admit it, I was furious. I was angry that he'd gotten his cake, and had managed to grab a snack the entire time on the side. I felt used. It was a complete blow to my.... feelings. The IT Pilot had been someone I'd grown attached and attracted to because I hadn't had any connection to anyone else before I met him. I met him with no excess baggage- no other prospects in mind. For an entire year, I'd fallen for him, and wanted him more.

I decided to continue dating and went back online to OkCupid and POF. I did meet a few guys (who I will talk about in a separate post), but my heart was still bruised. Three months later, I decided to do what any ex-girlfriend would do- Facebook stalk. I had an idea of who the new girl was (through past posts), but I decided to take it one step further and went and stalked his mother. I had hit a low point. I went through her feed, and there I saw it.

I actually had to read it a couple of times, and the comments that followed just to confirm that it was indeed true.

He was engaged. To her. And the mother was positively radiant about it. I didn't have a reaction about it when I first read it. It took me a long time to let it sink it. I started thinking of things to say if ever I would run into him again, and embarrass the hell out of him- especially since he was dating her when we were having sex. But the opportunity never presented itself, and when I told my friends about what had happened, they all supported me saying that it wouldn't last. They hadn't even been together a year. It had only been a few months.

I set the thought aside for a while, but about a month later, I went back and looked, and through my google hunt skills, I found the wedding registry, and the wedding date- December 29, 2012.

Am I reading this right? I thought. December 29? Of THIS year?? As in.... 3 months away??

Knowing him, he'd probably chosen the end of the year for tax purposes. He's smart like that.

I couldn't believe it. A part of me hoped it wasn't true- that he would come to his senses, break off the wedding because he'd rushed into it. It was always a thought at the back of my mind; I couldn't help it. I even found where the wedding and reception was going to take place, and where they'd be going on their honeymoon. God*mnit Google! Tahiti and New Zealand?! Are you kidding me? Lucky virgin (her).

So as the months passed on by, I tried my hardest to let it go. His family is very religious, and so is hers, so I knew deep down, they most likely wouldn't call it off, or get divorced any time soon after. I had to learn to live with my missed opportunity, and finally let go. The week before the wedding, I told my friend about it and she suggested I crash it. But I didn't have the guts in me to make it happen. Plus, I had a different reason why I wouldn't bring myself down to that level.

Someone I met had said to me "don't give anyone who doesn't mean something to you the time of day. If you do, it probably means you still care."

This much was true- I had to let go for good.

Fooled me again

The IT Pilot appeared on my radar again. It’s as if this asshole had some kind of homing beacon on me; he kept coming back every few months, even when we’d both made it clear that it was DONE FOR GOOD. 

All of this oftentimes confused me more, scrambled my feelings, but I knew it wouldn’t happen between us again. He had already played me dumb three times- and what had President Bush said after the first time? "Fool me — [pauses] — You can't get fooled again." Maybe he was onto something there.

The IT Pilot and I had gone to play Bingo one night, because that's all we ever really had in common nowadays. However, this time, it was much more different. He admitted to seeing someone, and he felt it was okay to hang out with me (an ex) since she, too, hung out with her exes. So as I sat there at bingo, I realized we probably wouldn't be having sex that night (as had become the norm throughout time).

Fast forward another month or so, and in May, after too many beers at Bingo (once again) the IT Pilot texted me out of the blue to show me what he was up to. After bingo was done, I asked if I could stop by to meet his new pup (actually, it was a dog he'd shared with an ex a few years back, and had retrieved it once again) and he agreed. I played with his English bulldog for a while (I adore animals) and I came in and we began talking a bit more. I didn't want to hear of his new love interest, but I knew she wasn't putting out. And he admitted that he'd be pulling the plug soon. (He'd also confirmed this through texts.) 

We sat down on his couch and talked more, and all again, the story of "US" came out, and why it hadn't worked out, and why it wouldn't work out, and why it would never happen. However, this didn't stop him from putting the moves on me and undressing me and taking me to his bedroom. We had great sex once again, and a few hours later I left. I didn't hear from him at all that weekend, but it was to be expected, but on Monday, I received a long text from him. 

It mentioned that I needed to realize that what had happened that last night was a mistake and that it hadn't worked out between us, and would never work out between us. He wished me all the best, and that he'd never forget me, but it was time to move on. I responded angrily saying that it was his decision to end it. Later that night, I noticed he'd completely removed me from Facebook. Then a few days later, as I updated my contacts, I saw a new profile photo of him..... and her....

So THAT'S why he deleted me. He wanted to spare me from getting hurt?

I was bruised, upset, furious, jealous, enraged- all the feelings a woman scorned can experience. 

I had been his toy for a year (to the date) and now he was finally getting rid of me to pursue something with someone else. I felt used, and my ego was bruised. I felt stupid for having pursued someone for so long, who obviously didn't want to be with me.

What had I done to deserve such poor treatment? I could understand being used to fulfill a sexual desire when it's agreed by both persons, but to be strung along as well for a year? I vehemently hated this asshole. 

But each story has a happy ending. Too bad it was his, and not mine.

Mr. Endowed and his not-so-humble brother

I need to take a detour to two other gentlemen I met and dated between February and May before we get to the really good stuff.

Mr. Endowed, and his brother “I had to pretend to gag”.

Mr. Endowed:

I dated this hot looking blond for roughly a month, and all we did was have sex. He never bothered to take me out on dates (why would he buy the cow if he was already getting the milk for free anyway?) He was incredibly well-endowed, but opposite of Larry, was much more considerate and gentle when it came to sex. However, after a few weeks on non-stop sex, it occurred to me that he would only come see me to have sex. We never really talked or shared anything about each other, and at one point told me that because he liked me a lot, needed to let me know where his beliefs for God stood. He was fairly religious and wanted his partner to follow in the same path. Unfortunately for him, I’m agnostic, and don’t follow any denomination or religion. Because of this, we probably wouldn’t work out. We ended up splitting ways soon after, but kept loose contact (and became FWB for a short while during the summer).

“I had to pretend to gag”:

This was a great guy that I met online as well and had a wonderful time with. He was a new teacher, and to this day, remains as one of the best/most fun date I’ve ever had. We went to dinner at this quiet Thai restaurant near my apartment and had a great conversation, and afterwards went to a country nightclub (Wild West) where he taught me to line dance. It was so much fun! Over the next few days, we’d message each other and made plans to meet a couple more times.

One night, I managed to make my way over to his apartment and spend the night after we’d watched a movie. He never made advancements toward me sexually, but as soon as I removed my bra and lay down beside him, he expressed an incredible fascination towards them. Mr. Teacher became the greatest foreplayer in history. He would play and pay attention to my breasts for hours, all of which was incredibly arousing. However, he said he didn’t want to have sex because he’d mentioned he’d had bad luck with condoms coming off before and didn’t want a baby/plan B scare/and was religious.

I reached into his pants and immediately understood why.

His penis was no longer or bigger than my middle finger. That’s 3”. Erect. Oh. My. God. Whyyy?? This guy was great, outgoing, such a gentleman, and incredibly sweet. But he wasn’t packing anything more than a roll of quarters in his pants. I was bummed out, but was actually ready to forego such a small penis only because I liked him so much. 

Then came the heavy petting. Which unfortunately didn’t last more than 47 seconds. Not only did he have small jewels, but P.E. (premature ejaculation). He’d bragged about coming over and over, and to be completely honest, there wasn’t much work on my end to be done. As soon as I’d touch him, he’d come. I’d give him a few strokes and poof! Done. I had to pretend to gag because his penis never even touched the back of my throat. One morning, I was able to make him come four times in fifteen minutes! And I only stopped because I had to go back home, or else he could have kept coming. While it was exciting to see him come so easily, I couldn’t help but imagine what sex would be like. And no wonder the condoms always came off. They were too big for him! He was completely oblivious to the fact that he had a small penis. He swore he had huge balls.

No honey, you’re far from having huge balls. I’ve seen big balls. They’re like apricots. You’ve got half a walnut in there. For both balls.  

We stopped dating when I admitted that I had HSV-1, or oral herpes. Unfamiliar with the virus, he immediately stopped kissing me on my lips and became overly paranoid. I couldn’t help it. He was ignorant, and I couldn’t do much to help him see it was okay. 

I quickly moved away from both men, not before falling into an old familiar habit. 

God*mnit.

Karma, what a bitch

A couple of weekends in a row, I had had two disturbing dreams about the IT Pilot. In my dreams, he had been a jerk about our relationship and had strung me along to get what he wanted while he was seeing someone else.

It's unbelievable, but even in my dreams I get emotionally attacked. I felt the dreams had hit too close to home and it was better to stop thinking about the IT Pilot completely and void myself of any type of sentiments for him.

Larry was still in the picture, and I was slowly coming to accept him into my life, even though he'd recently become busier all of a sudden.

I didn't put much thought into it, believing what he'd tell me about being too busy at work, and having to go home after work because of problems with his car, family or work. I'm not one to question everything a guy does, even if it may look suspicious to others because if there is no trust, the relationship won't work.

Larry happened to get President's day off, and I suggested I take the day off too to spend time together since we hadn't seen each other regularly now that I was spending the weekends at my mom's baby-sitting my younger sisters.

I had had a gut feeling ever since Valentine's day (which completely blew and wasn't celebrated) and I wanted to check his phone for some proof- any proof- that maybe I wasn't the only one. When he went to take a shower the following day, I went through his phone as quickly as I could and my worst realization came to life.

He was flirting with another girl. And it appeared to be someone new. I read as fast as I could and came to find out that the girl was new, they were sharing basic information about each other- the kind that you normally do when you meet someone online- your background, last names etc.

As soon as he got dressed, I simply asked him "Would you be open to having an open relationship?"

"What? No! Why do you ask me that?" he asked.

"Because I know you've been talking to another girl, and from the looks of it, it's too friendly for my taste" I admitted.

He tried to make me believe that the girl was "just a friend" (Sure, as if we haven't all heard that excuse before), that they knew each other for two years, and he didn't like her. She had been a possibility before I came along, but he wanted to be with me, and would stop talking to her if I wanted it.

I took it one step further. Without him knowing, I had jotted down her number and sent her a text message asking if she knew who Larry was.

I wanted him to tell her who I was, and that we would do it together. I also told him if they were just friends, that he should read the text messages with me so as to explain everything while he had the chance.

He said no to both, and with this, I told him to leave. He was furious and acted like a teenager (which was to be expected) while he packed his things and threw the Valentine's day card I had handed him the night before.

Well that was mature. 

The chick ended up texting me back a couple of hours later and told me the truth- that he’d been pursuing her relentlessly, for months, but that she didn’t want to date someone with a kid or who was a smoker. She’d also not been completely done with her ex-boyfriend, and wasn’t interested in Larry. The days following, we exchanged texts about the lies that Larry had told each of us, and comparing notes. I wasn’t mad about the breakup- but I was bitter about Larry making me out to be a “psycho” for going through his phone, and making me sound like a terrible person. 

If I was so horrible to him, why didn’t he just leave me then? 

Truth is, he didn't want to. He wanted to stay with me. But wanted to cheat around as well.

One last tryst

Things with Larry, the kid, weren't working out at all. Though I had managed to be introduced to his family during the holidays, I knew he wasn't the one.

Girls have that feeling by instinct. To me, if it's not going to happen, I immediately stop trying. However, if I do sense someone could be "the one", I can't get the idea out of my head- which was exactly what the IT Pilot was for me.

I had been texting on a daily basis with my friend out in NYC, telling her of my tryst and feelings about the IT Pilot. "He's not right for you" she'd said. "I know, and it gets on my nerves that he could never figure out what he wanted. I gave him his freedom, let him do what he wanted, but it wasn't enough. Thing is, the IT Pilot was it for me" I told her. "What do you mean?" she asked.

"Well, he's the guy who I saw possibly marrying. He's husband and father material, Larry isn't. We don't get along, and he's too immature for me, it's aggravating" I told her.

"You saw the IT Pilot as husband material?'

"Yes, I do. I know he'd be a great father" I told her.

But the IT Pilot and I never talked about our last encounter; instead, we'd played the quiet game, pretending nothing had happened. A few weeks into the new year, I asked him how things with the new house were going. He had finally moved in and settled, and was very happy. He suggested I come by for a visit sometime to check out the new house.

We began flirting, teasingly jabbing at each other. He asked me if I was still seeing Larry, but I dodged it as best I could to stay away from the subject. I finally got the guts to say what had been on my mind for quite some time. We'd always agreed that sex between us was great, but to me, it had been the greatest I'd ever had.

Ren: I have a question
IT: k?
Ren: Was the sex really that good, or was that my imagination?
IT: The sex was really really good... the best actually.

At least I have some affirmation there.

Ren: Which position did you prefer? You on top or me on top?
IT: Both, but you on top.. I like how you move up and down. I feel more. But I like being on top and making you come. I love to make you scream.
Ren: Both position surprisingly for me.
IT: Really... I thought you liked me on top. I didn't think you liked to be on top.
Ren: I liked making you come when I was on top (but I can't remember if I did)- but I could only orgasm with you pounding.
IT: I think maybe once.... you wanna practice :-p Oh I love it when you come. Wow...

I could feel the hair at the back of my neck standing up.

Just like the month before, we had made plans to meet again, this time for me to visit his new home after we finished playing bingo on Thursday night. I showed up there earlier and we took our seats and made small talk. Soon enough, the beer made its way into our bodies and we started flirting endlessly. I tried my hardest not to make certain advances and didn't touch him inappropriately as I'd done countless times before during bingo. However, at one point during the night, the beer had made me increasingly chipper and I leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. He responded shortly after by putting his arm around me and leaning me into him as he kissed me on my head... to which I heard him breathing in deeply.

By the end of the night, we made our way back to his new home, about 5 blocks away from the bingo hall. He guided me in and gave me the grand tour. It was a beautiful 3 story town-home. The first level had the master bedroom and bath, the second level had the kitchen, living room, and approximately 30 feet ceilings, and the third floor had two extra bedrooms and bathroom. It was eerily quiet and simply organized. The IT Pilot was a minimalist, and didn't have much decor to add to his environment.

We came back downstairs to his bedroom and I gave him his housewarming gift- a bottle of Chilean Cabernet Sauvignon, one of his preferred wines.

"Cabernet? Wow, that's great. Thank you" he said.
"I know, I remembered you liked it" I added.

He pulled me into him and hugged me tightly, to which I became overwhelmed with confusion, urges, and feelings.

"What are you doing? What are WE doing? You need to let me go, let me move on" I told him.
"YOU let me go" he said in a drunken state.
"I did! You gave me my closure last month; You told me it wouldn't happen, and to let you go, so I did! Then you start talking to me again, and here we are" I said to him. "You need to quit me."
"I can't" he said, as he burrowed his head into my chest.
"Quit me" I said once more.
"I can't!" he said again.

We laid back into bed, getting ready to fall asleep when we got on the topic once more of why things had ended. We talked. A lot. It was definitely a lot easier with a lot of beer beforehand. Neither one of us really held back or had a filter. I really had nothing to lose.

I pushed for it telling him to quit me, to let me go, and he kept saying he couldn't- that he ended up missing me and would text me because he cared. Hell, I thought about him too, but I didn't text because I was pretty much convinced that I'd reached my closure. I don't think it's a good idea to date him right now. I mean, yes, I liked him. A LOT. But each time we broke up, a bigger piece of my heart died out.

"I felt like you were hiding something from me. I was walking on eggshells around you" he said.

As soon as I heard him say this, I let out a shocked gasp. Just days before, I had been texting my friend and telling her of my feelings for the IT Pilot.

"I think we didn't last because my guard was completely up. I always went with the reasoning that we were both too proud, both had our walls up, and neither one of us was able to communicate efficiently. That's why we didn't work out. I felt like I was walking on eggshells because I felt he would leave me" I had said to her.

"Eggshells? Really? You know what's funny, is that's exactly what I told Shann on how I felt about you" I told him.

I couldn't believe it. Somewhere in that mind of his, we had shared the same feelings for one another, but never attempted to share it out loud. We were too afraid to come clean, and admit that we cared for the other.

At the end of the night, it wouldn't work. Our time wasn't now, and it wouldn't be any time soon. We laid in bed and held each other. We had one last tryst, and the next morning, he walked me to my car and kissed me goodbye as I left for work.

The next day, I left to NYC to visit my friend Shann for a few days, and the IT Pilot and I managed to get a few texts in here and there, him mainly checking up on me to see that I'd made it there okay.

Even though I cared immensely for him, I had to let him go. Even though things with Larry weren't working to my expectations, I realized the reason being was that I wasn't giving him my full attention, seeing as to how my mind was drifting off to someone else. It was time to move on. Larry had persisted to great lengths to be with me, and I felt I owed him the chance to try to see if something could work between us. So I did.

But it backfired.

I can't feel a thing

As soon as the IT Pilot and I began to have sex, something felt different. I would have thought maybe all the alcohol we'd had earlier in the night played a big factor, but after careful thought, I realized that no, it wasn't that.

I could hardly feel him in me.

F*ckkkk!!!!

Larry who was much larger than the IT Pilot had quite possibly stretched me out, and the feel of the IT Pilot's penis in me was quite different now.

I was pissed.

This is karma, somehow, I thought.

It took a long time for me to reach orgasm with him; Larry had officially ruined sex for me and the IT Pilot. Sex between us had been the best thing I'd ever experienced, and the size had never been a problem (I'd actually enjoyed it because I didn't experience too much pain), but sex was now entirely disappointing.

Wait.... If I can hardly feel him... does that mean that [gasp] I feel looser to him too?

I didn't dare say anything to embarrass him or myself from our sexual tryst, but I was saddened by the situation.

We both came to orgasm together, and soon after fell asleep. The next morning, we laid in bed together, as I stared up at the ceiling rethinking the events of the previous night. The IT Pilot couldn't keep his hands off of me, and it was beginning to smother me. He held me the entire morning, caressing me, running his fingers through my hair and kissing me. A while later, he decided to go with a repeat performance, something that shocked me, considering we'd never had morning sex (it's not my thing) after evening sex.

I was hoping the alcohol had worn off and that things would feel different the second time around- except they didn't. I could hardly feel him in me once again.

I was embarrassed for the both of us.

We went out to Pei Wei soon after for lunch, and had that awkward silence during our meal. Even though we'd had a good sexual chemistry before and got along great, things were very different now that we weren't together. The only thing I really talk about when I'm with friends is guys and work- and with him, I could only discuss one topic.... and that was rather short.

Around 6:00 p.m. I decided it was time for me to retreat on home. Since I didn't have extra clothes with me, and had been wearing a miniskirt and pantyhose from the night before, I had to borrow a pair of sweats and a t-shirt from his closet. This meant I'd have to see him again to return his clothes sometime in the future.

I wonder what's going to happen then.... I thought.

Drinks with the IT Pilot

The IT Pilot and I had been incommunicado ever since our last phone call before Halloween which had resulted in our breakup. Around Thanksgiving, I sent him a friendly text message wishing him a Happy Turkey Day, knowing he'd be couped up with his family in Alabama. He responded, and we exchanged a few friendly words, but nothing more.

The next month, in mid-December, we communicated again and flirted the entire night through texts. It was a side of him I'd never seen, a side which had left my interest piqued. I didn't mention anything about dating Larry, and he told me I was still the last person he'd been with, and hadn't found anyone to date even though he was still on OkCupid. I had expressed confusion about how our relationship had ended, and had asked him to tell me point-blank that it was over so that I could move on. He asked me to tell him why I needed him to say it, and I answered "Because if I don't hear it from you, then I'll never know it's over."

"Yeah, let's move on. I've sort of been stuck in the mud too. It won't work" he replied.

However, we agreed to meet for drinks on Friday night after my department's Holiday Dinner to "talk", something which confused me even more.

I was dressed to the nines from my work dinner, and promptly drove over to his apartment to meet afterward. He drove us out to a bar in the university village area nearby, and for the first time ever, we had drinks and listened to a live band play.

"See, this is fun. Why couldn't we ever do this when we were together?" I asked.
"Yeah, you're right. I don't know" he answered.

We had always been confined to his apartment while we dated, and this was partly the reason why I felt so unhappy. I wanted to go out and experience new things with him, but he was so adamant about leaving the house, that we never went out more than a handful of times for the five months we dated... on and off...

As we drank and listened to the band play, he told me he had finally settled on a house, and it was currently in escrow. If everything went well, he'd be closing in a few days before Christmas and moving in soon after. When he told me where it was located, my heart skipped a beat- "It's really close to your work, you would have a short commute" he said. It was 3 miles down. I almost cried.

He asked me if I was seeing anyone, to which I replied "Sort of, but it's not really working out"

"Why not?" he asked.
"Because he's younger and very immature. He has a son, is a smoker and isn't good in bed. But he's incredibly beautiful. Tall, blond hair, green eyes. " I mentioned.
"What does he do?" he continued.
"He works for National Oilwell Varco and is a commissioner for the oil rigs" I added.
"NOV? They're one of our clients" he added.

As soon as I heard this, I shut up. I didn't want to give more info about Larry in case they did business together; that would have been awkward.

"But I really don't want to talk about him, and I don't want to hear about your girls either" I pressed.
"Why not?" he asked.
"Because I'll be jealous" I said.
"You don't think I'm jealous of this guy?" he asked.
"No" I said.
"Well I am. Why do you think I keep asking about him?" he added.

And with that, we continued drinking our beers, flirting endlessly, until suddenly, he pulled me in and kissed me. His aroma came over me like a wave; I was intoxicated with his scent. I could smell his skin pressed against my face, his tongue in my mouth, as I ran my fingers through his hair. I was completely and immediately absorbed in the moment, locked in a passionate kiss with my ex. I knew I should pull back, but I couldn't bring myself to.

Soon after, we went back to his place and immediately rushed into bed together. I was excited for what was about to come next since the IT Pilot had been the best sex I'd ever had. He could make me orgasm on command.

Except it didn't quite work out that way.....