I have HSV-1

I neglected writing and for good reason.  Cowardness and fear.

I've been putting this off for almost a week because I was only considering writing when I got my results.  And now that I have them, it's time to be honest and open.

A couple of weeks ago, I started talking to a new guy who messaged me online: "J". He seemed too good to be true- blue-eyed, attractive and witty. He wanted to meet right away but I told him I wanted to see how the week went by first over the phone before setting anything up. Throughout the week, we texted and talked some more, and it was obvious that we were getting along very well. I told him about RHPS and he was sold on the idea, so for our first date, we agreed to go to the Riveroaks Theatre at midnight to catch The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

He came to pick me up at my place near 11:30, after I'd gotten home from my friend's birthday party. Tipsy and jittery from drinking Jägerbombs and Red Bull, I nervously greeted him at his car where he proceeded to hand over leftover brisket he'd made that day for his friend's birthday party.

First meeting and already cooking? This is great.

I'll admit I was extremely nervous, and I'm sure the Red Bull only made it worse, but I didn't exactly feel the instant connection the moment I met him. He looked exactly like his pictures, so I don't know why I wasn't completely sold. However, we got through the night and afterwards went to a 24-hour diner and had something to eat. He took me back home around 3:30am where we shared our first kiss.

I remember not feeling up to meeting him again, but decided to let go of my fears and see him again the following day. I'm glad I did.

The next day, we went to the museum district where there was a mini-Oktober Fest going on. We bared through the extreme heat and sat near the reflecting pool and talked for a while before realizing we were sweating buckets when no breeze was coming through. We later left to go get dinner and headed back to my apartment to watch a movie. We spent the rest of the evening talking and really getting to know each other. And that's when I realized this was different.

Things with Matt and Nate had always been left in the air. "We'll play it by ear" said Nate; "School's very important for me" said Matt. With J, I could feel I was getting validation and that we were both looking for the same thing: a relationship. Although his lack of experience in the relationship department put me on my guard, I felt like I was getting real answers.

J and I hung out again the following week and had a great time. J spent the night and that's when it happened. I felt a little bump on my lower lip, slowly start to grow. This is weird. I wonder what it is. When the bump didn't go away overnight, I checked it in the morning and felt my heart began to race. I told J "I need to talk to you. Have you ever had a cold sore?" J's eyes widened and he stopped dead in his tracks.

"No, why?"
"Because I feel something on my lip, and I don't know what it is." I told him
"Let me see" he asked as I showed him my lower lip.

"That doesn't look like a cold sore. Cold sores are supposed to be clear and with puss. Yours doesn't look anything like that" he reassured me. "Well how do you know if you've never gotten one?" I asked him. "Cause I've seen pictures" he told me.

Out of precaution, I didn't kiss him as we parted ways that morning. He checked up on me a few times later during the day, asking how I was feeling and if my symptoms had changed. On my way out of work, I told him the truth and told him that it had grown more and was starting to form a fluid-like blister underneath, white/clear/yellow in color. I told him I was on my way to the clinic to get tested that evening. He continued reassuring me over and over, and told me not to get stressed as it could bring on more problems.

I was scared. What does this mean? Is this a deal breaker? How did this happen? Who gave it to me? So many questions were flying through my mind, leaving me hopeless and confused. I waited nearly an hour to be seen by the doctor who said "Yep, it most likely is a cold sore. We can get you tested if you want, but it's not necessary, and it's kind of expensive" she said. "That's fine. I'd rather know now for sure. How much?" I asked. "$90" the assistant said. "And that's for both 1 and 2 [HSV]?" I asked. "Yes" she answered.

I had already tested three weeks prior for the full STD pannel when I'd mysteriously gotten sick, except the doctor who checked me saw "no need to test for herpes since there are no symptoms and so many people have it. Will knowing you have it change anything?" she said.  I didn't know she hadn't tested me for HSV-1/2 until I got the results in the mail the following week. When they tell you "everything came back normal" over the phone, it only matters on what they actually tested you for. Apparently in my case, it wasn't EVERYTHING, and I'll never know if I already had it before I met J.

Throughout the waiting period, J kept reassuring me and comforting me that having oral herpes would not be a deal breaker. "I can tell this is bothering you and affecting how you feel because you're not calling as much. It's ok. So many people have it. There's a good chance I have it too, but have never had an outbreak."

We continued seeing each other and hanging out, but not kissing. The blister slowly started receding while I used Abreva for the days after my visit at the clinic. On Tuesday, I called out sick from work after feeling incredibly sore and called the clinic for my results. "The doctor noted on your lab that the test for HSV-1 came back positive." "So it's oral herpes then" I said. "Yes," the assistant said, "but you shouldn't worry too much about it. About 80% of Americans have it."

Upon hearing the news, I immediately called J to share the results. "I tested positive for HSV-1" and broke down in tears. J felt hopeless and tried to comfort me as much as he could over the phone. "I'm sorry. I wish I was there to help you feel better. Please don't be upset. It's going to be ok. It's not so serious."

At the moment, I felt fear, anger, weakness and most of all, shame. "I took care of myself for 25 years. I had a pretty good run" I told him. "It's okay, you just need to take care of yourself now and be more careful with your health. Don't get stressed, keep your immune system in check so you can prevent future breakouts. I really didn't want you to think that this would be a deal breaker because I noticed how quieter you had gotten over the last few days" he said.

After getting off the phone, I felt a great moment of relief. I'd finally let it off my chest, and I slowly started putting the worry away. I talked to Nate about it who immediately freaked out (just as I had) and went to get tested the following day. His results had been negative on his last visit as well, so I'm waiting on him to see if he has it or not; but at this point, the issue is rather moot. I could have caught it from him, Matt, Jordan or any cup I'd sipped from, though unlikely.

I confided in BEG who had also admitted to having the virus to me last year, but never having a cold sore. The more we talked, the more he reassured me and eased my mind and fears. "Welcome to the 80%" he said, "and don't worry about that one guy [Nate.] Fuck him for being ignorant on the matter."

Later that night, I called my mom and told her the news. "Herpes on which lips?" she said, and we both started laughing. "Be careful cause you can get them down there too!" she said. I have to say that I was happy to open up to my mom. She reminded me that she had  herpes, though in her case, it affects her chin, and hadn't had a breakout in almost ten years before she had one this past summer. [Heat triggers her breakout] "It's something you'll have for the rest of your life, but it's not something to get too worked up about" she said.

Though I'm not thrilled by the result, and the stigma that comes from it, I feel better about it today than I did last week or last year. It's not an STD. It's an unfortunate virus I got from sharing spit with someone who probably didn't know they had it at the time either. I'm done trying to put the blame on someone, and I'm hoping people will learn to be open about it and get rid of that ignorance. Chances are your favorite actor has oral herpes cause of all that smooching for the silver screen.

J came to see me yesterday and took me out during my lunch hour. I felt better and happier to know that he was still there. I couldn't help but smile when he said "So when do I get to kiss you again?"

That little pill is expensive

I don't know where to begin.

Last Friday, Matt, the former marine, came over to my house to hang out. I had previously talked to BEG about my plans for the evening to which I had specifically mentioned I would not be having sex that night because I was still on my "monthly statement."

"You're throwing off the wrong signs by having him come over but not expecting sex then!" he told me.

"You think?" I asked him.

"Well, what do you think? You ask him to come over late at night? Just don't have sex with him so soon. Not on the first date at least" he told me.

"Well, this is actually our second meeting. We went to dinner earlier this week. Plus, I don't think it'll happen" I reassured him.

Matt came over that evening and we hung out on the couch, me on one end, he at the other, as I channel surfed for a while before stopping on the movie "Seven." I got up to use the restroom and when I sat back down, he grabbed my legs and put them on his lap which caused me to lay down into the couch. When I got up the second time, he quickly moved right behind me as I landed on the couch, causing me to sit right on his crotch.

Smooth move......

It all happened so fast that we both ended up laying down on the couch to watch the movie. A while later, he leaned in to kiss me.

A perfect kiss.

We made out for a while, and I eventually dozzed off a couple of times during the movie. Around 2am I asked him "Are you staying over?"

"Uh, yeah" he answered casually.

"Oh wow, just like that?" I added. "Well, it's either here or I can sleep in my car" he joked.

So we went into the bedroom and continued making out and well, one thing led to another and because I wasn't bleeding anymore we ***CENSORED***CENSORED***CENSORED***

I was a bit disappointed, but it was nothing compared to the awkward moments I felt when he drifted off to sleep and left me in silence. That's all he did. Slept, woke up, and slept some more. I was annoyed, so I picked up my ipod and started messaging BEG.

Ren: He's sleeping right next to me
BEG: How did it go?
Ren: Awkward. We made it out in the living room for a long time and then came into the bedroom around 3 am to go to sleep
BEG: Why was it awkward?
Ren: Well one kiss led to a humping, and he pulled my underwear off and went in. After a bit, he put on the condom, but when he had it on, he started losing his erection. He got some of it back, but it slowly started going down. He said he was hot and very thirsty.
BEG: Weird. What is it with these guys?
Ren: So I was almost there when he just slowed down and stopped.  I asked him if he'd be up again, and he said maybe in a while. So I fell asleep and somehow woke up again and we tried again. It went by roughly the same- lost the erection, got it back etc. etc... Then when I'm about to come, he pulls out and comes all over my stomach.  I was kinda pissed. And now he's been sleeping the entire time. It was definitely too soon, and now feels weird.
BEG: I guess there is always next time
Ren: It just feels really quiet now. We're not really talking lol. I guess this is what they mean by the "morning after."
BEG: Yup, if you were at his place you would of had to do the walk of shame. LOL
Ren: He asked me later if I was on the pill and I told him no, but I'd gotten my period earlier this week. I think I might have scared him cause he just said "Oh ok" LOL. Worst dilemna, I go buy Plan B.
BEG: Yeah, that's why you don't mess around on first night. I warned you. LOL If you take Plan B, don't tell him you took it. It will either scare him off if he just wanted to get laid, or he will stick around if he likes you. It's up to you.

 A few hours later, Matt left to go to work on his side of town and I resumed the conversation with BEG:

Ren: Well, he just left. Can't help but feel like he was ditching me. He said he'd call me later. Then, before leaving, I told him I wanted to stay with him, but wasn't sure he wanted to stay with me. He said "I'd like you to come to my side of town sometime." I asked when and he said that if he didn't get off so late, he'd say tonight.  Oh and PS: tried to do it again a third time this morning and nothing. WTF??? Is it me?? Then he tells me he's starving and that's why he can't do it.
BEG: I'm gonna hook you up with my coworker ok?
Ren: Oh, let me finish- so before he leaves, he says "well don't get pregnant." So I ask him if he's worried and he says a little bit.  So I tell him I'll go get Plan B and he asks if I want the money for it and I tell him no. Then he calls me from the road and the topic comes up again and he says he'll pay half, so I'm like OK.

I think about it now and I remember there was a lot of hugging and cuddling on his part, but I was feeling disconnected because we weren't talking. And considering the events of the previous nights were barely satisfactory, I felt there wasn't much I could praise or brag about either.  Since then, Mark has called back throughout the weekend and we've continued talking, so I'm tempted to say I didn't scare him off completely.

I talked to one of my girlfriends to fill her in on what had happened and told her we were actually meeting up tonight to hang out at Ikea because I needed to do some furniture shopping and he'd offered to come with.

"Well that's pretty funny. You guys are meeting up on a date so he can give you his half for the Plan B pill!" she joked.

"No shit, that tiny pill is expensive!" I answered back.

Lab results

[Continuation of "Something's wrong" written 2 days ago]

I awoke that day, feeling more anxious than I ever remember feeling. I slowly got up as Sebastian came to kiss me goodbye to leave for work.

Today I get to find out what's wrong. I'm sorry Sebastian.

Work was particularly slow, but I tried to make the best of it. I was leaving about fifteen minutes earlier to make it to my appointment on time.

Then, when no one was looking, I did some research.
Herpes and HPV.

At this point, I don't know which one I'd rather have.

Herpes Simplex Virus 1- aka: Oral herpes, "cold sores"
Herpes Simplex Virus 2- aka: Genital herpes

[Deep Breath]

HSV-1..... "Herpes often unknowingly spread"; "Sometimes Asymptomatic"; "At least 50 million persons in the United States have genital HSV infection."; "HSV-1 is usually passed from person to person by kissing. HSV-1 can also spread from the mouth to the genitals during oral sex.  If this happens, it becomes a case of genital herpes."; "both HSV-1 and HSV-2 can be spread even if sores are not present."

[pause]

Shit.

I know BEG admitted to being diagnosed with "cold sores" but didn't have a breakout when we dated.
Why did he tell me it was cold sores, when it's in fact Oral Herpes? I wonder how many other people confuse it the same way.

Cold sores ARE Herpes. Presence of the HSV-1 virus. "As many as 50% to 80% of adults in the U.S. have oral herpes." So it's obviously very common, but it's not as uncomfortable as genital herpes. I think my mom has herpes, but she gets it on her chin. It's been years since I last saw her breakout, but I remember it used to come once a year or so. I was very little, so it never occured to me to ask her what it was. The only way I concluded she had it was because it reappered every year and she would treat it.

"Lives in saliva, sharing kitchen utensils or drinking glasses can also allow infection"; "ocular herpes, when herpes infects the eye."

[keep reading]

HSV-2: "Roughly one in five American adults has genital herpes."; "The textbook symptom of genital herpes is a cluster of small fluid-filled blisters that break, forming painful sores that crust and heal during several days."

No, that's not what I have..

" ... some people may have just one or two outbreaks in their lifetime."; "No cure. The virus lies inactive in the nerve cells until something triggers it to become active again."

I was starting to accept my fate. I was starting to understand the disease and not worry so much.

HPV- aka Human Papillomavirus.

[ok, let's keep going]

"HPV infects at least 50% of all people who have sex"; "Possibly asymptomatic for many years" "HPV can cause genital warts"; "Passed through bodily fluids, through intercourse."

BEG told me he had HPV back when we were together in September for the last time, but I know for a fact he couldn't have given that to me.

"Some people clear the infection without treatment."; "Over 100 strains exist"; "High-risk HPV strains include HPV 16 and 18, which cause about 70% of cervical cancers."

I just completed the Gardasil treatment this past November. It protects against types 6, 11, 16, 18.

Then I remembered that men are not likely to get tested. In fact, if they have no symptoms, they can't be tested. Sebastian could have it, and never know if he doesn't experience an outbreak.

I had put my mind at ease. Even if I knew having either virus would affect my life dramatically in the beginning, I said to myself  "You're not alone. There's a good percentage of people who have it and they're ok. Hell, one of your best friends has HPV, and she's ok."

I went to the doctor and waited an hour to be seen by my doctor. She's very chipper, so she'll give you bad news in the same tone as good news. This happened to me last year when I tested positive for the Hepatitis C antibodies. I got so scared I cried in the chair. I retested soon after with the RIBA test which was negative. (Hepatitis C affects your liver and can cause death if not treated adequately.)

"So, your tests came back and it looks like-" she began,

Oh shit, here it goes.

"your potassium levels are very high. This could be caused by eating too many fruits or.... are you eating a lot of bananas.....?"

I couldn't help but smile and nod my head no.

"Or caused by dehydration-"

-I nodded yes-

"Which could be very possible considering you had fasted prior to the exam;"

I know this- I've been tested for dehydration before, and whenever I come see  her, I have them test my urine. I ALWAYS have a urinary tract infection, and I'm not very responsible when it comes to taking the antibiotics twice a day, so they never clear up. That, and I just don't drink enough water throughout the day. I don't get thirsty. I average half a bottle of water, approx 10oz, when research shows you should drink at least 64oz.

It just gets harder for me to drink water. That's my only excuse.

"You have a bacterial infection though, which is causing you to have the UTI" she mentioned.

"What about herpes?" I asked

"Uh.... no. Negative to both 1 and 2"

It wasn't making sense.

"What about HPV?" I asked her again.

"That'll be on your pap smear, and that's in the other room. I'll be right back." she said

A few minutes later she comes back reviewing the results and says "Ok, your pap came back normal."
(The following is just one page of the 5 page report)

OK, I guess I better tell her now.

[Avert your eyes now if details gross you out.]

"I found a bump in my genital area last Thursday. It didn't hurt. When I checked on it two days later, it was still there in the same size, but when I touched it, white stuff came out" I described.

"Like a pimple?" she asked.

"Yes." I said. "I still had it this morning, diminished in size, but when I checked before coming here, it was gone, so there's nothing to show you anymore."

"It could have been an infected hair follicle, or viral infection. Either case, herpes gives you a cluster of blisters that are filled with clear pus that will break and scab over."

And they hurt right?

"Let's do a second round of bloodwork for your potassium levels and your Hepatitis C because it came back positive to the antibodies like last year" she said.

I took a seat in the lab and sat still as they drew blood for my tests, taking the first sigh of relief.

Once back home, Sebastian called me to ask how I was doing. "I went to the doctor today. She said tests came back negative. But I have high levels of potassium and Hepatitis C that she wants to retest" I told him.

"See, I knew there was nothing wrong" he comforted me.

Thank you for your optimism, but you wouldn't have been feeling the same way if you'd experienced what I did.

For the record, we abstained from sex until I could talk to my doctor. I didn't want to possibly put him at risk, not knowing the results. Plus, the thought of BEG was riding in my conscience the entire weekend. Would I have to tell him I'd been with someone else "in between" our "relationship"? We've always talked about safety and being monogamous while with each other.  He's like me- he's not promiscuous because he doesn't want to become infected.

I guess all I can say at this point is..... crisis averted. However, it definitely opened my eyes and made me more aware of this infectious disease that a great population is suffering from. I'm glad that I read up more and learned not to be biased about these STDs.

To those who are infected, I respect you for being brave and learning to deal with this difficult experience.  I pray that you get to live a carefree life while others learn and become educated to understand your hardships.

To the readers who expressed concern and prayed- Thank You. It was one of the most sincere gesture I've ever experienced.

Something's wrong

Something isn't sitting right with me, and it's yet too early to say anything about it. The time has come to see if I'll actually be truthful to the title of this blog- "A Survival Guide to Young Adulthood."

I went in for my pap smear and blood work last Friday the 8th. My doctor wasn't in at all last week (though I was aware) and she told me that someone from the office would be calling me to review my results. About Wednesday afternoon, I missed a call from one of the other doctor's nurses (each doctor is assigned one nurse at their office) and left a voicemail saying to call her back. It was already too late, so I left a message. Next morning, nothing. Afternoon, and still nothing.

Then the next morning while showering, I noticed it.
A bump.
One that shouldn't be there. 

By late evening, I was starting to worry.

I called again Friday morning and decided to talk to my own doctor's nurse about getting the results from my labs, and she told me they hadn't been transcribed yet. I asked if there was something I should know right away about my results and told me I'd have to schedule an appointment with my doctor to review. So I scheduled for the next available date.

I felt depressed, scared, frustrated and anxious.  My heart beat faster than normal, and I was uncomfortable.  

This is not how I wanted to start the New Year.

Thoughts flying through my head.
Am I being punished for BEG? 
Is it even possible?


The weekend was dreadful, and Sebastian knew something wasn't right, but was completely calm and supportive of my inability to say what I felt was wrong. I never told him I had found a bump. I worried that he would freak out. Let's face it, I can't tell him what's wrong about something I don't know.

For now, all I can do is wait for my appointment...... and hope that the anxiety doesn't give me away.


[update 1/20/10: "Lab Results" ]

Current Updates

With the New Year comes New Resolutions. In recent years, I've been able to keep 2/3 of them, mainly because I am realistic and only aim for 3. This year is no different. My resolutions, (although not goal-oriented ones) for this year are:

1. Being more physically active/ Exercise
2. Continuing with School
3. Working on optimism, happiness and self confidence.

A few blogs ago, I realized I needed a change to help extinguish my depression. Sebastian has way too much self confidence and a big ego, which leaves me vulnerable and feeling very low.  I know that by being this way, I am putting my relationship at risk. No one wants to hang out with a pooper, and I've been told by a few people, Sebastian included, that I need to be active to help boost my mood.

So on Monday, while extremely bored at work, I began thinking of ways to become more physically active, and concluded that the gym was the best way to go. I went to the 24-hour fitness website to look for trial passes, and googled my way to a 14-day pass instead.

 Once out of work, I hesitated for the full 20 minute ride back to my apartment. Following are the excuses and roadblocks I was giving myself.

Will I have the time?
Classes start soon.
I'd like to get that part time job for the Census this year.
Will I truly commit to going every week?
Can I really afford the $30/month on my budget?
What schedule should I follow?
Should I eat before/after?
What am I really expecting from this?
I still have to go to the college enrollment office today.
I'm very sleepy.

As I pulled into the parking lot of my complex, I gave myself one final push:
Quit making up excuses and do it already! What's 1 hour a day going to cost you? A bag of chips in front of the TV, that's what!

So I went to my college campus to enroll in the classes, and went back to my apartment to get a change of workout clothes. I drove to one of the gyms and was immediately intimated by the full parking lot.

I bet there's a lot of "resolvers" in there.
I'm embarassed to go in.
It's too full! I can't park anywhere.

And I chickened out until the "other me" told me to keep driving to the other gym, just 2 miles down the road.

Once at the other gym, I felt a little more optimistic, yet still intimated. I remember a few months back going into the same gym with a member, and being hassled into signing up before even starting the trial.

You're not going to get me this time. I'm going to try it out on my own terms. No pressure.

I did the tour, and the counselor tried to get me started, telling me the offer was expiring on wednesday. I told him I'd still want to try first to see if I could really commit. He let me go, and I started on the treadmill, walking for 25 minutes, and running for the last 5. I continued with weights, working on my arms and abs.

I left nearly 90 minutes later, feeling very good. I repeated the same task the following day and felt energized and hyper. I went home, took a very long shower and felt great.

I've only told a few people about my new routine, but have not mentioned it to Sebastian. I don't want him to think that this is a phase that I'm going to drop right away, or point out that I don't look toned or thinner if I don't get results fast enough. I've barely begun to change my eating habits and incorporate more vegetables and fruits. It's tough, but I want it to work.

I'm mainly doing this to boost my energy/mood levels and give me endorphins. Losing weight would be an added bonus.

So here's to a new start.

A better me.

Oh crap....

Last night, as I set my birth control pill on the counter, I took a soda out of the fridge in order to swallow it. The soda decided to be a b*tch and spray all over which led me to quickly get it into my sink behind me. When I turned back to take my pill, it was nowhere in sight. I looked around, down, under the paper towels. Zilch.

Then- to my worst thought, I got on all fours and peeked between my kitchen stove and counter.

A tiny blue pill lay at a distance.

Taunting me.

I fought hard for a good ten minutes, but I ended up shoving it under the stove by accident.

I guess I won't have a bun in my oven- literally.

LADIES: I need your help please!

My male colleague told me that his cousin's doctor had prescribed her a pill so that she wouldn't get her period during her honeymoon because she had calculated that it would come right around that time.

As you may remember, I'm going to Europe next week, and I'm getting my "monthly statement" right smack in the middle of my vacation. What a bummer.

I called the pharmacist who said I could try Seasonique and get my period every three months. When I told her I was already on birth control, she said that as I'm finishing my 3rd week of active pills, instead of taking the sugar pills (4th week), I could start the 1st week on a new second pack and not get a period that month- though she didn't recommend it.

"Or you could get pregnant and not get a period, though I don't think that's what you want," she said

"Yeah, ok you don't have to say that" I told her.

So as she cracked this joke, I took her less seriously and finished the call. I've never heard of skipping a period, or trying the 3 week thing.

I'd like to get your input before I call my doctor tomorrow morning, get put on hold and leave a message to ask her what I can do to delay or skip November's period completely.

Any information, comments or suggestions??

(I take TriSprintec, Target's generic birth control)

Plan B

Oh sh*t.

I messed up. But I have a good reason why. Let's attempt to start from the beginning.

My dad came over this weekend from California to visit the family. I ended up staying at my parent's home on Friday and Saturday because that's what I normally do when my dad comes into town. Remember that he lives and runs his business in California, but is still married to my mother. We're still a family, just.... divided across this continent.

Anywho, around Thursday last week, I noticed that I had skipped two birth control pills in a row on my 2nd week. I use my iPod Touch as my alarm, but since I reset it, the volume on it has been acting out and doesn't always make a sound. Granted the alarm goes off, as I see it on my screen- it just doesn't make the sound effect I need it to to remind me to take that pill at 9 pm every night.

So ladies, you must know that if you miss 2 pills in rows 1 and 2, you are supposed to take them right away, skip a day then take the remaining 2 to put you back on track, AND use a backup method for 1 week after. So I told Sebastian about this, and he took note and said "No worries, we still have condoms."

Great.

Fast forward to last night when I drop my dad off at the airport and we're all saying good bye. I had decided I would spend the night at Sebastian's because his apartment is just around the corner. He's still at work when I get there, so I clean up the kitchen, do the dishes and make myself a margarita. Everything is fine. I have another drink, and about 30 minutes later or so, Sebastian calls to see what I'm up to, and it's obvious then that I'm completely drunk. I bust into a furry of giggles and he laughs too and says he'll be home soon.

About 20 minutes later, he enters the apartment with a small bouquet of roses.(To be discussed in tomorrow's blog)

We proceed to take the kissing to the bedroom where he playfully pushes me on the bed, a little harder than I expected and I end up ramming my head on the wall as I lean back. A loud THUD leaves Sebastian with a big GASP look on his face. "Are you okay??" he asks.  "Yeah, I don't feel a thing!" and we bust into a frenzy of laughter.

We then [CENSORED.....CENSORED.....CENSORED], and come back into the living room a while later. He pours himself the leftover mix and I hear my "no babies" alarm- my 9pm reminder for my birth control. I stumble into the kitchen and grab my packet out of my purse. That's when Sebastian turns around to me and says "Hey- weren't we supposed to use protection because of your missed pills last week?"

GASP

"[**EXPLICIT***]!!!!! Oh nooooooooo!!!" I scream out.

"Yeah...... yeah....... nice. So what now? Plan B?" he adds

"God damnit!" I say as I drunkenly stomp my foot into the ground. "Crap Sebastian, why didn't you remember? I'm completely drunk!"

"I'm sorry! I just didn't happen to think about it!" he said as he continued laughing.

"Why is it that when I was younger, I never missed a pill, but now that I'm older and supposedly more responsible, I have problems remembering to take them???! CRAP!!" I said.

"I think, subconsciously, you want a baby." he said

Crap. Is that what it meant? But I know I'm not ready for a baby. I know I don't want one right now. Could it be because I see him as an ideal father figure that I'm willing to accept whatever happens??

"You want this baby don't you??" I confronted him

"I mean, it wouldn't be the worst thing to happen. It would just speed things up" he said."But I'm not ready for a baby. We're not ready for a baby" he concluded.

"Yeah, that's what I thought." I replied.

"So plan B?" he asked.

"Yeah..... I'll do it tomorrow after work"