Sunday, February 26, 2012

Scared of a relationship

Man, where do I even start???
I guess it'd be best to go back to the previous general entry: "You have boyfren?" since we seemed to be hitting a similar pattern with the IT Pilot, my boyfriend.

My friend, Slut Monster (huge Lady Gaga friend who sleeps around) had her going away party one evening because she was returning to France after she could no longer renew her VISA. I took the IT Pilot with me and I finally got to introduce him around to a couple of my friends. We had a mediocre meal, myself feeling incredibly uncomfortable since I didn't want to be around those people in the first place. We retreated back home rather early and went to sleep.

The weekend following, the IT Pilot went away on vacation with his parents to Yellowstone. I offered to stay at his apartment to feed his fish while he was gone, and I had a nice and big apartment to myself. It felt refreshing. He came back the next week and brought me back a souvenir, a t-shirt and magnet, since I'd done the same when I went to California recently.

However, with the way things were going, I didn't know if I saw this relationship going very far.  There were still some things that I wasn't comfortable with- especially the lack of communication during the week. My biggest concern was that he was too.... "hermity." I could sort of sense that things would get boring very quickly. I was trying to work my way around it, see if it was worth it, but I wasn't definitely 100% sure right now. I wanted him to.... prove to me that he wanted this more than I did, because until then, I was always going to be one foot in, one foot out.
The entire time I was having second thoughts about whether this relationship would work out, my friend Ozzie kept telling me that the the IT Pilot wasn't worth it, and that he couldn't possibly be the one to dump me again since I was the "hot one" in the relationship. "If he does that, he's an idiot, besides I think you're better off without him. Lazy guys that don't have any ambition outside of work will just in the long run make you more depressed.  You wear the pants in this relationship, remember that. If it came to, you would be the one better off " Ozzie had said.

Ozzie had told me not to worry about being dumped and to try to work through my insecurities. If the IT Pilot dumped me again, I'd be much better off than trying to deal with someone who was boring and always wanted to stay home. 
In the end, I wasn't sure what I really like about the IT Pilot anymore.
Was I attracted to his calm and quiet disposition, or his ambition and success?

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