One week later, and still no date

I'm expecting a miracle.  I don't put in as much effort as I remember doing the first time I ventured off into online dating. However, I notice I've become a little  picky and shallow of potential candidates. That being said, I enjoy the entertainment these charming guys are able to give me.

• Dear Guy: I'm annoyed that you will only write me once every other day. Damnit, if you really want to date, step it up a little or don't write back at all! It leaves me on the fence as to whether or not you're really interested or if you're just bored.
• Please give me more than just "hi" or "how r u." Would you be happy if I only wrote back "Fine"?
• Screennames like dreamsnme, Splyff, and teddybear09 will just make me laugh at you. I hope you realize that it's an indication of your maturity/intelligence.
• DON'T YOU DARE put in "average" for body type if you're 30 lbs overweight and it SHOWS.
• Get rid of these pictures:
  




1)
2)
3)
4)
5)

1) I can't see your face, dumb*ss
2) Your last girlfriend took that picture after you two had sex
3) I can't tell if you're gay or straight
4) "Average" body type on your profile? Yeah, more like "Average Joe"
5) I had tears in my eyes after seeing this one


And just to let you know, I am sooooo sorry if I end up back on your profile 2 or 3 times again. The first time, I just browse. The second time I'm curious. And the third time, you all start to look the same and I'm just desperate because I haven't found anyone else.

Happy Dating!

I'm impatient with online dating

As you may recall, I went back onto POF to start looking for fresh fish again. I'd gone on a few dates in the past both before and in-between Sebastian. The dates had been fun(ish) but they hadn't materialized into anything due to my lack of commitment.

I updated my POF profile, made it public and left it there. I didn't get anything interesting the first day, and I admit I started getting impatient. I started looking elsewhere and considered joining eHarmony and Match and paying for it.  I figured that if a guy is willing to drop some money in a dating service, he must be serious about looking. Then I decided I should give it at least a week, considering that new people join everyday.

I did a quick search of comparisons of websites and fell on okcupid

It had a feel for POF and match.com. I liked it for the fact that it has an extensive amount of questions you can answer for others to see if they answer it publicly also.  It has a few different sections for information to fill out so as to give a viewer's head start on their background, life, likes/dislikes. I like it because I can put in as much information as I want and give the guy a chance to know about me before he can contact so to have something to talk about.

There are countless questions, so I actually had more fun filling out the questions than looking around. In the meantime, I've been exchanging emails with one guy who lives in Houston and has proven to hold my attention.  The only thing I'm concerned about is that he has been a serial monogamist and has never been in a "relationship" longer than 2 months, and has been single for a year.  My "shortest" relationship was that with Sebastian which lasted a year, so I'm hoping that didn't scare him off.

Our emails have gotten pretty long, but BEG is convinced that he's full of it.  I told him he was probably just jealous to which he said "a lot of my girl friends say that. I guess I'm just protective."

Um... thanks?

Meanwhile, my dad is home for Memorial Day weekend and I am pet sitting a friend's puppy. Her name is Luna:

The older man

I wrote about this man a while back here.

I was 18 when we met, but because I was so young, I couldn't think of him that way.  I had a boyfriend at the time who wasn't a big fan of him because he could sense the man had a crush on me. However, from lack of experience, I never noticed. 

About two years after I left California, I searched for his number and called him. We talked for a while and he came clean about liking me.  I was really nervous and he said "if only I was 10 years younger I would have asked you out." He's... twenty years older, so that should make him... around 44-45 now.

He asked me if I'd thought about him over the years and I lied and said no. He asked if i could ever consider him and I dating based on the age difference; And because the age difference bothered me so much I told him so. 

The only reason why I've thought about him recently is because I'm single and the guy was really respectful and nice. I was completely smitten. I have the urge to call him again to "catch up" but I have a fear that he'll take this as an interest in him and truth is, I'm not really sure how I feel. If only he was 10 years older, I would have already called him

You see, when you're younger, the age difference is pretty big, but when you get older the gap tends to close. It's been two years since I last spoke to him, and even though my feelings toward the age gap is still pretty strong, it's not as scary as it was during our conversation. I have been maturing..... at a much slower pace than I think I should be, but at my own pace, and I do notice the change. Being with Sebastian really set me straight. He was the first real man I was with, and because he was so much more mature than I was and had experienced much more, it forced me to catch up. He was.... a mentor in a way.

I doubt it'll ever turn into a real relationship with the older man because I'm personally still a bit uncomfortable with the age difference and what people would think, especially my family. Plus, how much in common would we really have? We grew up in different decades!

 

It's mainly a curiosity on my behalf to see how far it could go. I was actually daydreaming about him today and I felt my face burning up from nervousness- the same way you'd feel when meeting a potential flame. Silly I know.

 I'm confused. Do I call and "catch up" or do I forget about it completely and leave it in the "what could have happened, but I'll never know" pile?

I talked to BEG and another girlfriend about it. 
Their responses were virtually the same, but with their own flair:


His: "You are old enough to where age doesn't matter, but are you sure you just don't want a little.... you know what?" Quite possibly.

Hers: "Age doesn't mean anything. The heart wants what the heart wants." Honestly, my heart's not into it.

What's a backup?

I have to say my sexual demons have awoken more recently. I can see how much I've changed over the years; when I think back to all the things I said I'd never do, only to do them years later,I can't help but laugh. I feel as the more I mature, the better I'm able to deal with emotions and feelings and handle attachment issues.

Things with BEG have always been...... secretive. We've always shared "those talks"- you know, the ones you really shouldn't be having with a girl because you're already in a "committed relationship"? But with BEG, it's always been a game. I've never developed feelings for him, and it's mainly because the guy turns me off with his character. If there's a way to say something repulsive, he'll do it and not think twice about it.

This time he's in.... Singapore for work, and has been for over a month. He tells me repeatedly that he's sexually frustrated because he can't do anything about it. Somehow, we tend to gravitate towards each other to vent out.

Ren: say you weren't in a relationship with someone back home, would you still be having sex as often?
BEG: back home?
Ren: houston
BEG: oh I would have tried to of gotten it plenty of times here.  probably not as often, but idk.
Ren: no, i wasn't referring to the asian sex, but the Houstonian. do you have backups?
BEG: oh, idk, depends on if any girls will let me. Lol. I don't have official back-ups no
Ren: if only there was a "lightbulb" emoticon
BEG: what do you mean? idea?
Ren: exactly
BEG: what's the idea
Ren: "official" backups
BEG: lol, would be good to have I feel
Ren: never occurred to me before
BEG: wanna be mine if I'm ever single?
Ren: thought you'd never ask
BEG: sounds like a plan to me
Ren: agreed
Ren: hopefully you'll find me in the right mood
BEG: lol. what would a bad mood be?
Ren: not in the mood. it's not bad, it's just.... not clicking... it's not there
BEG: aw. Gotcha. so the official back up still means you have to be in the mood, how gay is that. j/k
Ren: haha. well no- the official back up means you come when i say so. pun intended.
BEG: lol. I think I can handle that

So this is what happens when you're single and bored. You devise a plan to get a "backup buddy."

I wonder if it'll ever come to materialize....

I caved into the internet

So I finally gave in and subscribed to the internet. It's fairly cheap considering the alternatives and I plan to use it for mainly one thing this summer:
 

DATING

Yes, I've finally decided after two months of being let go by Sebastian that it's time for me to move onto something new. I'm optimistic about the opportunity of dating again, but it sucks having to go back to square one with someone new. It's so much work getting to that comfort level. 

7:36pm. That was the time when I made my profile on POF public again. How long will it take?

I'm not looking at profiles. It's a lot of work having to sift through all those guys. It literally feels like I'm browsing for job positions. However, I know that I'll have to be the one to make the first move because with the last 4 guys I met, I initiated the conversation.[scoffs] Men!

But in the meantime, I've been deviously teasing a guy. That guy is BEG. And the reason why we engage in "naughty" conversations is because I am bored to tears; plus, the excitement gives me a rush considering he's in a relationship. We came to an agreement. Quite frankly, it surprised me plenty. I will delve into that the next time.......

I'm back to writing. I missed you guys.

Work is still new but..... frightening

No, not scary in the fact that it's a new environment and I'm trying to catch up and adjust to the work load. No, I'm an expert at that. I'm doing rather well on that front. I'm supposed to be upstairs on the third floor for training for the next two months. When my new boss asked me how it was going and if I was feeling lost, and I replied no, he asked me if I was ready to come downstairs to my "real desk." I hesitated and said "But I like it up there. The view is so much better. I get to see downtown"

He took it as an excuse that I didn't want to see him and wanted to avoid him as much as possible.

I grinned.

It was true.

No- what scares me are not my coworkers or even the disgusting cafeteria food. What scares me are the "clients." From my initial interview, my boss has instilled in me that the children who are in foster care are referred to as "clients" and live in "residential treatment areas" next door. The first day at lunch, I went downstairs to have lunch in the garden.  There were a variety of teenage kids on their lunch break too, and it was a bit refreshing to come within ear-shot of adolescent life again.

3 minutes later, a girl storms out into the garden screaming out expletives and death threats on another student/client/teenager.

My eyes wandered over to her as a counselor ran after her into the distance.

A few days later, I was reviewing some security logs that the officers document during their shift. One line in particular caught my eye- "Responded to Houston Police department; incident at residential treatment."

I asked my boss if he knew what had happened and he lowered his voice and said "This doesn't leave the room, but one of the kids got a hold of a knife and attempted to stab one of the counselors. They were unsuccessful thankfully, but the HPD had to be contacted."

My eyes widened at the thought.

This past week, I was talking with one of my coworkers from my department who is the facility technician. I asked him why they were changing the furniture in the treatment center (I had seen a proposal for renovations.) He said "We're planning to change all the furniture to plastic furniture, made of one piece. One of the kids got the leg off of a wooden table and hit one of the counselors in the face, and as a result, lost her eye."

I gasped in astonishment.

When I initially interviewed for the position, I knew I wouldn't be working with kids. I was a bit disappointed because I wanted to be part of something positive. I wanted to feel like I'd be working to improve the lives of these foster kids in some way.  I can't imagine what these kids go through in foster care, not being able to live with people who can love them.  It must be so difficult on their self-esteem and cause them to have so many emotional problems. I had a great vibe for the organization itself.

Not so much nowadays.  I tend to stay away from the residential treatment as much as I can and regard these kids as clients, like I was instructed to.

It helped a lot more when I noticed one of the teenage girls eying  me through her bangs one day in the cafeteria. It was definitely creepy.

I actually have violent dreams now.