Hidden......

That's what I feel like. Hidden by Sebastian. Hidden from his friends. Not present at all.

We were supposed to go to his friends's house for New Year's. I was going to meet them for the first time. And then he found out his ex-wife would be there too, and he cancelled.

"I don't want her drama" he said.

Or maybe you just want to keep me under wraps.

"So?" I responded "She gets to rule wherever she goes?"

"No. She just said that she would be really mean to you. It's nothing personal. She doesn't even know you." he tried to reassure.

"Hmmm huh...... o....k. Whatever" I said.

He knows I won't say anything. He knows I'll just stay quiet, but it's getting to the point where it's starting to play a number in my head.

So for New Year's Eve, we just stayed at his place and watched the countdown on TV. And he went to work the next morning at 8.

What a disappointment.

But we had fun the rest of the weekend, so I can't dismiss it completely.

Then..... on Saturday night, I couldn't sleep.

I couldn't get a conversation we'd had earlier on out of my head.

"I don't see a relationship going past 5 years. That's the average. Like.... anywhere from 4 to 7 years" he said.

I felt..... numb.

Later that night, in bed I said "I'm scared."

"Of what?" he asked.

"Of us. That...... it's not all there" I said.

"Just give me time Ren." he said.

"I hope so. Because there's a lot of things that I'm keeping to myself."

I know there are pros and cons to every relationships, and when it comes to the materialistic sense, he's taken care of me rather well there. In fact, compared to previous relationships, I feel spoiled. But when it comes to feelings, emotions and sentiments....... it's lacking. I need to be reminded that I'm worth something. I want to be flattered. I want a boost to my ego. I want to talk about the possibility of a future together, and put to rest the 5 year expiration date on us.

I don't want to waste time, but I also don't want to rush him if he's not ready. It's almost an oxymoron.

I don't feel like your girlfriend, and I can't consider you as mine either. You're yours. You belong to no one. And I want you to be be mine. I want you to understand that I'm willing to stay here if you're willing to make it last. I know I can be happy with you........ but I know I can't be happy with you if you're not happy with me. Maybe I'm just..... not enough? For your standards?

Maybe I have to prove something?