That little pill is expensive

I don't know where to begin.

Last Friday, Matt, the former marine, came over to my house to hang out. I had previously talked to BEG about my plans for the evening to which I had specifically mentioned I would not be having sex that night because I was still on my "monthly statement."

"You're throwing off the wrong signs by having him come over but not expecting sex then!" he told me.

"You think?" I asked him.

"Well, what do you think? You ask him to come over late at night? Just don't have sex with him so soon. Not on the first date at least" he told me.

"Well, this is actually our second meeting. We went to dinner earlier this week. Plus, I don't think it'll happen" I reassured him.

Matt came over that evening and we hung out on the couch, me on one end, he at the other, as I channel surfed for a while before stopping on the movie "Seven." I got up to use the restroom and when I sat back down, he grabbed my legs and put them on his lap which caused me to lay down into the couch. When I got up the second time, he quickly moved right behind me as I landed on the couch, causing me to sit right on his crotch.

Smooth move......

It all happened so fast that we both ended up laying down on the couch to watch the movie. A while later, he leaned in to kiss me.

A perfect kiss.

We made out for a while, and I eventually dozzed off a couple of times during the movie. Around 2am I asked him "Are you staying over?"

"Uh, yeah" he answered casually.

"Oh wow, just like that?" I added. "Well, it's either here or I can sleep in my car" he joked.

So we went into the bedroom and continued making out and well, one thing led to another and because I wasn't bleeding anymore we ***CENSORED***CENSORED***CENSORED***

I was a bit disappointed, but it was nothing compared to the awkward moments I felt when he drifted off to sleep and left me in silence. That's all he did. Slept, woke up, and slept some more. I was annoyed, so I picked up my ipod and started messaging BEG.

Ren: He's sleeping right next to me
BEG: How did it go?
Ren: Awkward. We made it out in the living room for a long time and then came into the bedroom around 3 am to go to sleep
BEG: Why was it awkward?
Ren: Well one kiss led to a humping, and he pulled my underwear off and went in. After a bit, he put on the condom, but when he had it on, he started losing his erection. He got some of it back, but it slowly started going down. He said he was hot and very thirsty.
BEG: Weird. What is it with these guys?
Ren: So I was almost there when he just slowed down and stopped.  I asked him if he'd be up again, and he said maybe in a while. So I fell asleep and somehow woke up again and we tried again. It went by roughly the same- lost the erection, got it back etc. etc... Then when I'm about to come, he pulls out and comes all over my stomach.  I was kinda pissed. And now he's been sleeping the entire time. It was definitely too soon, and now feels weird.
BEG: I guess there is always next time
Ren: It just feels really quiet now. We're not really talking lol. I guess this is what they mean by the "morning after."
BEG: Yup, if you were at his place you would of had to do the walk of shame. LOL
Ren: He asked me later if I was on the pill and I told him no, but I'd gotten my period earlier this week. I think I might have scared him cause he just said "Oh ok" LOL. Worst dilemna, I go buy Plan B.
BEG: Yeah, that's why you don't mess around on first night. I warned you. LOL If you take Plan B, don't tell him you took it. It will either scare him off if he just wanted to get laid, or he will stick around if he likes you. It's up to you.

 A few hours later, Matt left to go to work on his side of town and I resumed the conversation with BEG:

Ren: Well, he just left. Can't help but feel like he was ditching me. He said he'd call me later. Then, before leaving, I told him I wanted to stay with him, but wasn't sure he wanted to stay with me. He said "I'd like you to come to my side of town sometime." I asked when and he said that if he didn't get off so late, he'd say tonight.  Oh and PS: tried to do it again a third time this morning and nothing. WTF??? Is it me?? Then he tells me he's starving and that's why he can't do it.
BEG: I'm gonna hook you up with my coworker ok?
Ren: Oh, let me finish- so before he leaves, he says "well don't get pregnant." So I ask him if he's worried and he says a little bit.  So I tell him I'll go get Plan B and he asks if I want the money for it and I tell him no. Then he calls me from the road and the topic comes up again and he says he'll pay half, so I'm like OK.

I think about it now and I remember there was a lot of hugging and cuddling on his part, but I was feeling disconnected because we weren't talking. And considering the events of the previous nights were barely satisfactory, I felt there wasn't much I could praise or brag about either.  Since then, Mark has called back throughout the weekend and we've continued talking, so I'm tempted to say I didn't scare him off completely.

I talked to one of my girlfriends to fill her in on what had happened and told her we were actually meeting up tonight to hang out at Ikea because I needed to do some furniture shopping and he'd offered to come with.

"Well that's pretty funny. You guys are meeting up on a date so he can give you his half for the Plan B pill!" she joked.

"No shit, that tiny pill is expensive!" I answered back.

The Marine

I managed to go on dates with 3 different guys in 2 weeks: 2 first dates, and 3 awkward dates that led to  no sex (see Trevor.) By the third week, I was beginning to lose my temper.

How can this be? Am I being too picky? Does the silence scare them?

Shortly after Sebastian broke up with me, I updated my POF profile and made it private. I browsed profiles and marked a few favorites and made a note back on my profile that said I wasn't ready to date yet, but would consider it soon in the future.

2 months later, finals had passed, and I was ready to begin dating again. And that's when I messaged Matt*. We talked for over a month every once in a while through AIM. I wasn't feeling much of a connection due to the vibe I was getting from him: He said the most random stuff through chat, and I found him to be childish. He would make jokes that didn't make sense and I soon realized we didn't have much in common.  And because of that, I began dating others to pass the time.  Matt hadn't made the actual effort to ask me out, and we had yet to speak on the phone (even though he had offered his number some time back, but I had declined.)

When dater #3 didn't work out, I decided to stop looking and give myself a break.  I wasn't putting too much effort in these dates, and I wasn't expressing enough interest in the guys.  Some of them did bore me at times, and I'm pretty sure I bored them too. There wasn't a significant click/spark between us to make me think "Wow, he could be the one."

The day following my failed attempt at dater #3, I began messaging Matt a lot more often.  He's a former marine who separated last year from the service and started going to school earlier this year for systems networking.  He gets benefits from The US Department of Veterans Affairs, and is on the G.I. Bill, so as long as he's in school, he gets a monthly stipend for housing etc.  He also works weekends at a restaurant as a waiter to make extra cash and keep himself busy.

Online, Matt would keep me company during the evenings while I did my homework.  Soon after, I asked for his number again and called him on Friday evening to chat for a while. The following day, we talked for a few hours before he went into work, and later called me after he got off near 1:30 am. We talked a lot more and I finally began developing an attraction for him.  It turned out that his weird and childish comments were actually his way of being sarcastic- which didn't translate quite well through AIM. We soon decided to meet up and went out for our first date this past Tuesday night.

He was an hour late due to the horrible traffic during rush hour and the rain.  I admit that I was feeling rather pessimistic about the whole thing and the thought that I might be stood up crossed my mind as well.  He came to pick me up and drove us to Olive Garden to have dinner.

Olive Garden..... that's where I had my first dinner dates with both Sebastian and BEG. Is this becoming a routine?

The restaurant was very loud and I felt like everyone around us could hear our conversation. After we were finished I nonchalantly mentioned Dave & Buster's which happened to be just around the corner. "Yeah! Let's go" he said. I thought he was joking and asked if he was kidding to which he said "No, I'm serious, I want to go. Let's go."

We spent about an hour there and soon after walked over to the water fountain (where Spiderman Ricky and I also went on our first date) to sit on the benches and just talked. And then something weird happened. We were silent for a few moments, and neither one of us found it awkward.

[Sighs]

Finally, someone who doesn't mind the silence.

I asked him what his plans for the weekend were and he mentioned that other than working at the restaurant, he didn't have any. "I'm supposed to work on Saturday, but I'm thinking of getting someone to cover my shift. Why? What are you doing?" he asked. I told him I was thinking of getting together with my girlfriends because I had the house to myself, but hadn't made any concrete plans.

Around 1:30 am, I told him it was time to go considering I still had to go back to my apartment to get clothes and drive to my mom's to spend the night (she's out in California for the next week, and I'm pet sitting.) Once at my apartment complex, he walks me up to my door and I thank him for a fun night and tell him "Just keep in mind what I told you about calling me. If you don't call the next day, I can take a hint."

I had previously told him that I didn't like the stupid 3-day waiting period that guys were convinced they needed to follow. If you like me, call me. If you don't call/text me the next day, no big deal, and I move on. I hate getting texts one week later. Sorry, but you're long off my list by then!

He laughed as he began climbing down the stairs and said "Ok, I'll call you tomorrow."

I began getting my bag ready and headed out the door when he calls me. "I just want to make sure you get home alright; you looked pretty sleepy" he said. "Oh thanks. Did you want to stay on the phone until I get home?" I asked him. "Yeah sure!" he answered.

Late last night, while talking on the phone, he asked me "So, did I wait long enough to call you back?" I laughed. "Actually, you surprised me. I really didn't expect you to call me 10 minutes later!"

We're hanging out again tonight after work. I can't wait.

I'm ready for this!

My first time

No. This isn’t about my first time venturing off into sexual relationships. Nothing went wrong for me, so it wouldn’t make for interesting reading.

No, no. This is about his first time.

How the hell could this happen to me?!

Trevor and I met up for our second date earlier this week at a pub for trivia night. We had a good time, conversing about simple subjects and whatnot. He opened up a little more about his past and went on to say that he hadn’t dated for the last six years that he was in college.  The only girlfriends he'd had had been in high school.  We later went on to a pizza parlor to have dinner and then brought me back to where I had parked my car.  It was a bit awkward for me considering I wasn’t ready to call it a night at 10pm yet, so I huffed silently to myself, gave him a hug and walked back to my car a bit upset.

Whatever.

The next day while at work, I text him “I feel it was a bit awkward last night, and I’m wondering if we’re compatible. However, I’d like to suggest we hang out in a more casual setting, say to watch a movie. What do you think?”

He agreed, and invited me back to his place after work, but not before asking “awkward how?”

I told him we could talk about it later and that I’d stop by around 8 that night.

I tried to work myself up for that night and get excited. I mean, it was another date….. behind closed doors….. you know what I mean?

I showed up to his place; he gave me a tour of the house and I later picked out the movie: Quantum of Solace. We sat down next to each other on the couch until halfway through the movie when he finally moved closer to put his arm around me.  Slowly but surely I started inching my way over until I finally just lay on his chest for the duration of the movie.

 Awww, how cute.

 Right.

 When the movie ended, he started talking again about his shyness and lack of dating experience in the past.  I was starting to get tired of the same song- having heard it twice previously.  I somehow managed to ask him about his experience.

A few silent moments pass until he opens up and says "Yeah um.... I’m still a virgin”

Oh.My.F*.God.

I try to comprise myself and add “Yeah, I kinda had a feeling you might be.”

”I might as well tell you now, you were going to find out anyway” he said.

 Awkward…..

A few more silent moments pass, my mind starts to wonder and I ask “Were you waiting for something? Like, that special person, or do you just want to get it over with?”

He pauses, thinks and says “It’s not that I was waiting. It just….. never happened for me. I never got the chance. I never dated while I was in college. I was too focused on school. And now that I have a job and am stable, I’m looking to start dating.”

My mind was beginning to wander even further.

“I’m not sure if I should be here right now. My hormones are a little off, and I could easily just pounce on you right now” I told him, at which he laughed. Nervously.

“I mean, would it be wrong to say that I want to right now? Would you be up for it?” I asked.

Silence.

“Uh, I don’t know how good I’d be. I’d probably be really nervous and I wouldn’t last long” he said.

In the back of my head I’m thinking- if he’s a virgin, he’s bound to be really excited right? At least, my first time with my virgin boyfriend was pretty great. Meh, might as well give it a shot.

After nearly 15 minutes of mulling it over, I asked him if he had condoms to which he answered “Yeah, they’re old, but I don’t think they’re expired.”

Hey, at least he’s prepared.

 I moved back up to his face and slowly put my mouth on his.

 W.T.F?! Where the hell is his tongue??

Imagine a pucker fish. Got it? Good. He kissed with his mouth wide open. While trembling.

 Oh my god- he doesn’t know how to kiss.  Shit, how will the sex be?

 After about 15 minutes trying to fight with his mouth and telling him “give me your tongue” I suggested we go into his bedroom.

He goes into his bathroom and produces a brand new box of Trojans, Non-Lubricated condoms and a tiny bottle of lube.

Oh man, this is going to hurt.

We go on his bedside and both start undressing ourselves. No- not each other, but one selves. I get on his bed and notice him grabbing a condom and try to put it on. I see he still has his boxers on, and tell him to take them off.

That’s when I notice it. And gasp internally.

 What the hell is he doing??


I calmly tell him “You’re not hard- You’re not going to be able to get the condom on.”

He looks down confused and continues trying.

Does he seriously not know there’s no way in hell he can get a condom on without an erection?

I look at him and notice he’s smiling nervously. “You’re going to have to help me” he says.

Yeah, I can see that.

Once hard enough, I manage to pull the condom all the way down and he gets on top of me, at which I grab to guide him through.

Flaccid.

What the hell? How can- what the hell??

I tell him to slowly start thrusting while I try to get him to go in, with the hopes he’ll become erect again.

Nothing. Nowhere close. He’s just not hard!

I tell him “It’s not going to work. You’re not hard” as he moves to the side and I take off the condom.

I look at his penis and decide to head south, thinking maybe he needs foreplay. It works, for a while, but as soon as I fight to put on the condom, it deflates. Somehow though, I sense he’s still excited.

Is it possible to be turned on but not have an erection?

I try again, and as soon as I sense enough hardening, I get a third condom out and put it on for him.  As soon as it is on again, he loses the erection.

“I think I’m just really nervous” he says.

I’m trying to be really patient, but I’m getting frustrated. I’m sorry.

He comes over to my side and looks a little lost as well, but not quite disappointed. Seeing as to how he’s still willing to continue, I guide his hand to my nether region.  Hell, if I can’t get it the regular way, might as well go in the easiest way.

 He moves his hand every which way, not knowing what to do.

“Put your fingers here, like this” I say as I guide him.

He fumbles but finally manages to get them in right. Deep enough to actually hit my G-spot.  I actually squealed. At least he got that right. Right enough to give me three orgasms. I’m not making this up.

After that’s done, I try to work on him again to see if maybe we can salvage something.

He actually says to me “Maybe I should lie down, that would help me relax.”

[scoff]

“Yeah, sure” I tell him.

As I’m working on him, I notice he doesn’t become fully erect but manages to wince and gasp nervously. It’s as if he is enjoying it, but is too nervous to become fully erect.

 Or maybe he just can’t get erect at all?

[gasp]

By midnight, I decide to call it a night and wind things down. I got mine, but he didn’t get his, considering he never came. I got dressed and got my stuff to head out. He walks me to door, hugs me and misses my lips by a mile.

I do the walk of shame back to my car, all the while cussing myself out for assuming he’d be a “reasonable participant.”

Today, while at work, I text my guy friend to break in the news to which he responds with a text full of “hahahaahahhhahaahahahahaha”

I tell him I feel guilty and obligated to continue trying until he finally completes the deed, at which he tells me to be patient, work with him and give him some alcohol, but not get him drunk. “Hey, at least you can teach him to your satisfaction!” he adds.

What do you think? Should I keep trying to get him ready for the next person? Or just save my dignity and walk away?

First DateS

I managed to meet two different guys this weekend. Normally, I wouldn't dabble with more than one guy at a time, but I've come to a point in my life where I want to spoil myself a little bit before things get too hard.

Oh who the hell am I kidding? I need to get laid.

I'd been talking to Ricky for almost two weeks before we finally settled on meeting up for dinner at a sushi bar. He was a little more "kid" than most guys I'd been with, but this isn't to say that he was immature. He was just a year younger than me and living life- going to school and working full time just the way I was. Normal right?

His pictures depicted an attractive guy with a perfect smile, but I was in no way prepared for the reality I came face to face with on Saturday. The guy was HOT.  Imagine James Franco. You know, Spiderman's friend?  Yeah, that's him. I mean, a better version of him, with a tan and great smile, but he might as well have been a clone.

We met up for dinner at 5:30, had dessert, went to a video arcade, a fountain, and a late night dinner. We parted ways at 2:30 late that night. I admit I had a very good time, but it got quiet on my end for a couple of moments a few times.  He was more than willing to keep conversation flowing, and he showed to be a great conversationalist. He mentioned “we should get together some time this week to watch The Sandlot.” Did I mention he was more on the kid side?

I had made plans to meet date #2, Trevor, the following Sunday night after spending the day with my family.  He seemed more confident, yet when I met him, he actually began extending out his hand to shake mine.

Wtf…. Seriously? I leaned in as fast as possible to greet him with a hug instead.  He didn’t look like his pictures, but not to say he looked bad. He just looked…… really different. I really don’t know what happened. We spent a couple of hours talking over a cup of cappuccino, and I sensed he was much more closed off than he appeared to be online through emails and texts even.

These guys did a complete switch on me. Ricky seemed to be the quiet, shy guy online, but ended up being the most outgoing of the two, while Trevor looked to be very confident, and was rather quiet and softspoken. Very shy and more on the nerd side. When I tried to get them to divulge about their past relationships, Ricky said he’d lived with a girl before (which meant he was trained) while Trevor had only gone on a few dates with a girl because he'd spent the last 6 years in school.

[gasp]

Is it possible he’s a virgin??

Oh noooooooooooooooooooooo!

The next day, I texted both to see how they would respond; Trevor actually asked me out to go to a pub on Wednesday night for some trivia that we had discussed, and afterwards to dinner. Ricky on the other hand, never set a date.

I was very surprised.

I’ve got two activities coming up this weekend and the next, and am unsure which of the two to take. My best bet would be to take one to each, considering they are completely different, but I guess we'll see how the rest of this week goes to make any final decisions about this Saturday night.

Feelings.....?

My first romantic interest in Houston was with a friend of a friend. Roger and I met one night at an outing with other people at a restaurant and later all went to a karaoke bar and had a lot of fun.  I never thought anything of it until he drunkenly told me "I really like you."

I wasn't physically attracted to him and the flattery made me extremely nervous. I remember hiding from him during the night because I didn't want to get pulled into a corner for a make-out session.  During the following months, I slowly began talking to him and actually became mesmerized that someone was paying attention to me; yes, I was very lonely.  I would drop everything when he'd suggest we go hang out and we'd always have a good time.  I thought we were dating, but then the calls weren't coming in as often as before, and the "Let me call you right back" soon turned into 3 days later.

I knew he still talked to his ex-girlfriend and it bothered me a lot, but since we weren't an item, I never said anything. When I noticed he wouldn't actually commit to me personally, I began to get a little rejected and sad. Though it hurt, I slowly began phasing him out of my romantic life.  The next few times that we would see each other, he would flirt like crazy with me and leave me confused and vulnerable.

During one drunken thanksgiving dinner party at a friend's house, we got together again in a bathroom and made out.  He tried to entice me to have sex, but it didn't happen.  As we all left later that night, he proposed I follow him home.

I never did.

I soon got a call from our mutual friend who said he didn't like what I had done with Roger in the bathroom, and cautioned me to be careful.  He didn't want me to get hurt, and knew I was a vulnerable and emotional girl, so he told me Roger was seeing his ex-girlfriend's sister.

It was definitely over from that day on. My feelings for him died out, and I moved on.

Over the years, we would see each other at parties and outings, but I never once felt "confused" or even vulnerable.  I remember feeling bitter for being set aside and called upon to his convenience, so I decided to be a big girl and not give three shits when he complimented me, or even kissed me during his buzzed/drunken moments.  It personally didn't bother me because I knew nothing would come of it.

Then last year, he went away to Afghanistan to work on satellite systems for the government.  We would briefly talk over MSN chat to keep each other company.  Yesterday, I told him I was going on a date and he wished me good luck. As soon as I was done with my side of the story, he ventured off into his "love life" with a girl he'd connected with over the internet who lived in the Philippines. He went on and on about how he could picture her as a wife and if when he met her next April it went good, he would ask her to marry him the following summer.  I was surprised that he'd actually think of taking it that far, and sincerely believed him to follow through. He was a responsible person and planned out his life appropriately.

Then this morning, he messaged me over MSN and I began telling him of my date with the guy last night. He motioned that he was happy for me and said:

Roger : you know even though I am talking to some one else I do not like the idea that you are.
Ren : what do you mean? do you mean it in third person?
Roger : Yes I want you to be happy, but I will always have feelings for you.
Ren : o....k.....Well you seemed pretty over it over the years; We both moved on right
Roger : sure
Ren : so then why are those feelings there?
Roger : I think they will always be there.
Ren : i haven't been in the picture for a while, so that was my cue to move on
Roger : idk. I am not saying we should get back together or anything. But I really did like you. And will always have feelings for you. I really did not like when you were with your last bf. I really hated the guy.


[gasp]

Ren : you only met him once, and you were really respectful, so i really appreciate that.
Roger : I met him like 5 or 6 times, And really hate his guts.


I really don't remember this....

Ren : why?
Roger : cause he had you.
Ren : he liked you. he was happy for me that you and i could still be friends after we'd dated
Roger : im just telling the truth
Ren : he hinted at one point that he wishe'd he could have that with me after breaking up the first time.
Roger : well im sorry thats just how i felt
Ren : but i'm glad you and i are friends. if we would of dated any longer, we would have lost that friendship
Roger : I sometimes think we would still be together.
Ren : I don't. The time passed and feelings i have for you now are strictly platonic. you're a good friend; you're loyal, you're a guide, you're a great support.
Roger : I would not change that.
Ren : and you shouldn't ever. that's what makes me keep you as my friend

I had let him go long ago. I had felt played (in a respectful sense) and my feelings for him had long died out.  He stopped calling and I knew it wasn't going to work out. I just couldn't believe he had at one point really liked me. I always felt I had been a distraction that had fizzled out......

I have a date

I have a first date on Saturday with a cute, shy, younger (24) guy I've been emailing for... wow, almost 2 weeks now. Though I admit he's not the most interesting character and BEG keeps telling me not to trust him, I can't help but think how harmful someone who can quote "The Sandlot" entirely can be.

When I suggested we watch the movie, along with The Boondock Saints because I'd never seen it, I asked which house. He asked me if I wouldn't mind meeting his mother and sister for the first time, which hints to me that he wants to go back to his mom's.

[sigh]

Yeah, sure, I guess that's entirely safe; it just feels weird.

Anyway, just thought I'd update on the lack of excitement I've been having this week. Maybe I'm just harder to please nowadays.....

One guy reminds me so much of BEG in the sense that he tries so hard! He seems hyperactive and even though he gives me quite a few chuckles, can't help but think how weird this guy is in real life. Plus, it doesn't help that he's 29 and doesn't want to work. He's actually separated from the NAVY and going back to school on the G-Bill. He's pretty content with the $1500 monthly allowance he gets and doesn't work. I'm sorry, but personally, his attraction level just dropped by about 30 points. He wants to meet, but I'm hesitant. He lives really far (about 40 miles away.)  Actually him and another guy are doing the same thing; the other guy does a part time waiting tables and is even more timid.

I've enrolled in summer school and will be started this coming Monday. Calculus and Computer applications. Wish me luck..... in more ways than one!