Looking past the "First Date Mistake"

Early Friday afternoon, my boss came up to my desk and said "I have two tickets to the Astros game tonight. Do you want them?" "Sure, yes!" I answered.  "Here, take them. Have fun. I want to see pictures on Monday."
 
As a good friend, I texted one of my girlfriends first to see if she wanted to go but said she couldn't. I had two other options: two guys I was currently talking to. One was Aaron, the other was Nate. I had befriended them both on Facebook in the hopes of finding out if they had more pictures that would help me determine if they were in fact as attractive as their profile pics.
 
I first accepted Aaron’s request and went to look at his pictures. I was very disappointed by what I found, or didn't find for that matter. Most of his pictures were 4 years old. Oh hell no. As we had talked earlier, I had asked him what kind of girl he was attracted to and he'd said someone who took care of herself physically saying he ran 3 miles every other day.
 
I really don't think you run cause the most recent picture showed a really chubby guy. Ugh. I hate guys who put "average" instead of "a few extra pounds". Man up and be honest!
 

Nate on the other hand appeared to be more physically fit and had a stare that really attracted me.
 
Aaron had already asked me out twice on too much of a short notice which I had turned down. Nate seemed like the perfect candidate so when my friend said no, I texted him if he was free that night to go to the game. He replied saying yes and we made plans to go for dinner before the game. I was a bit concerned that we might not be able to hit it off and that we'd be stuck with each other for 3 hours afterwards during the game.
 
Luckily we hit it off right away and had much to talk about. We arrived at the game and settled in to our seats right by the dugout and had a great time.
 

 
Even though I was attracted to Nate, I was concerned that he might not be attracted to me. This is what happens when you have low self esteem- you believe that you’re never good enough to be liked; Therefore I didn't want to get my hopes up for fear that it would backfire. When the game ended we remained in our seats to watch the fireworks display afterwards. He slowly put his arm around me and let me lay my head on his shoulder. The first step to mutual attraction [sighs.]
 
When the fireworks ended, Nate asked me if I wanted to go to the bar across the street. He got us drinks and as the alcohol slowly started taking over, the conversation became seemingly easier. We spent a few hours talking and soonafter challenged one another to darts; the loser would have to take a swig of beer. We were laughing, flirting with each other, and watching the other drunk people around us stumble to the ground. At one point, Nate said “Ok, the next game is for a kiss.”
 
I went along for it, not realizing that either way, we would end up kissing- that’s how drunk I was.  I lost, brought his face towards my lips and kissed him. We continued playing, getting a kiss after each game, and eventually went back out onto the porch so he could smoke a cigarette.

I'm sorry, what? "You smoke?" I asked. "Only when I drink" he said. Ew... gross.  He pulled out a fancy black box from his pocket and showed me what he smoked.

 
"See, look. It's an e-cigarette" he pointed out.
 
I admit I was curious and asked if I could try it. It felt like smoking hookah. The filter he was using was mentholated and wasn't as painful as taking a long drag from a regular cigarette. The air I exhaled turned out to be a water vapor instead of "second hand smoke." He only took about 3 drags from the cigarette during the night and put it away each time.
 
At one point, we ended up talking with a few other drunk people outside on the patio and can't quite remember how it lead to the discussion of dating but I remember him telling one of the older women there "Yeah, this is our first date."
 
"First date? really? Awww..... Honey look! It's their first date" she commented to her male partner.
 
I couldn't help but feel both happy and sad at the same time. Happy to hear him acknowledge our meeting as a date to strangers, but sad that this would be the only "first date" we'd experience. The excitement for each other would never be able to amount to that first night we spent together; I'd never be able to feel that confused, happy, giddy feeling in my stomach ever again as I did during our first date.


As the bar closed down, it was time to go back. We weren't ready to call it a night and wanted to stay together, but couldn't think of any place to go to just talk. The only options were to go to a 24-hour diner and get something to eat, or back to the other's place; I'd promised myself that as much as I wanted to be near him, it wouldn't be the right thing to do on the first date. I admit I wouldn't mind doing it, but I know it's not the greatest idea- we all know what happened when I rushed things with Matt, the marine right?
 
I had to go pick up my car at work, so we stayed in the parking lot for a while. Some time later, I actually dozed off or passed out, and woke up to us kissing, his hand caressing my breast, unbuttoning my shirt.
 
Wait, what? What's going on? I was completely out of it, and even though I noticed we were kissing, my ability to react wasn't all in place and I didn't respond until he was halfway through my buttons. I knew his hand was there, but my mind just reacted too late. Or maybe subconsciously, I wanted it as well.  I stopped him, fumbled slowly to get my buttons back on, let out a small sigh of frustration and got out of the truck. I walked back to my car without looking back and got in. A few minutes later he left.

On the way home, I received the following text from him:

“Ok, I guess I shouldn’t expect a reply but I thought we were messing around. I’m sorry if I crossed a line I didn’t know or else I wouldn’t have. I just thought we were both enjoying it. I’m really confused right now and I hope you’re ok. If you need something let me know.  I really did like you and I didn’t mean to cross that line.”

I thought about texting back when I got home but decided to call and chew him out instead.

“Why would you do that?” I questioned.
“I’m sorry, I just thought we were in the moment and that you felt the same way. I’m really sorry” he replied.
“I was asleep when you started doing that” I told him.
“Well, you were kissing me back so I didn’t think you were” he said
“I’m drunk, and I’m really disappointed in you Nate” I said.
“Oh man, I’m really sorry. The last thing I want you to think is that I took advantage of you. It’s just….. it’s been so long for me… I’m really really sorry” he admitted.

I could sense he was legitimately sorry and decided to give him one more chance. “I can admit that all the drinking we did tonight impaired us a lot and made us do things we probably wouldn’t have done sober. So tell you what, sleep on it. Think about what you’ve done, and if you want to talk to me again, you’ll call me tomorrow,” I told him bluntly.

“I don’t need to wait until tomorrow” he said.

I have my reasons for letting this slide. For one, a lot worse happened with my last boyfriend Sebastian, on our first date last year. I actually cried as I drove back home. I was blindsided and let things progress to benefit him solely. I was very ashamed of what had happened. Sebastian apologized profusely, and the very next day brought me roses and took me to dinner. Yep, that’s the way to do it!

With Nate, I didn’t let things go that far, and I know that alcohol played a big role in me letting loose and dropping my guard substantially. But I also walked away quietly and made him ashamed of what he’d done.  In a way, I knew we would end up making out if I stayed longer in his truck- however, the whole unbuttoning-the-shirt thing threw me off guard completely. I wasn’t expecting that at all.  I’m not going to lie and say it felt horrible. It felt good and it was pleasant, but I knew this shouldn’t be happening on a first date, so I put a stop to it. I’m pretty sure that if I would have told him “No” in the moment, he would have stopped also.

The next day, around 2 o’clock, Nate called me and we talked for about an hour before he went to sleep (he works graveyard shift.)  I didn’t feel like bringing up the incident, and ultimately swept it under the rug.  I invited him over for breakfast at my apartment on Sunday morning and we spent a couple of hours talking and watching TV. We didn’t make any other plans past the week, and due to our schedules, haven’t talked on the phone, but we’ve been able to text a few times and are planning to meet up again on Friday night.

If I let it, I know sex can happen, but after what happened with Matt, I’m not willing to put myself into that position. I know it’s better to wait and get to know each other, so that when the act does happen, there’s actually feelings involved and better chances that it may last longer than just a couple of weeks.

Or maybe I’m just a modern girl trying to exercise power and control. Yeah, we’ll see how that goes….

I think my safeguard is to just not shave prior to Friday.
Any ideas on how to withhold sex?

"Text" Speak

Early last week, as I was coming out of my Pilates class at the gym, a guy walking next to me stopped me out in the parking lot. He asked me about the Yoga class and asked how it was. I gave him some basic information related to the class and he continued asking me more. It didn’t occur to me until I asked him “Wait, did I say Yoga? I meant Pilates” and he said “Oh, I don’t know” that he was actually trying to pick me up.


He asked me if I was single and when I said yes, introduced himself as Jeff. We shook hands and asked me if I’d be interested in going out and if I could give him my number. Completely caught off guard, I did the unthinkable- I gave it to him. He texted me shortly after with "Nice meetn u this is jeff"

Ren: A little awkward but ok

Jeff: I thought u were beautiful so wanted 2 talk to u

The next day he wrote me: gmorn sweety

I’m sorry but, I did not go to college to speak like I did back in middle school. I didn’t respond but got another text later in the afternoon: "Would u like 2 do somethn 2nite"

ARGH! It’s actually aggravating for me to read text speak. I sometimes can’t even understand and the point is lost! I replied saying that I was busy the whole week.

When I didn’t hear from him the entire week, I figured I was off the hook once again. Wrong! On Monday, he surprised me with “Howz ur day goin”

At first, I couldn’t remember who the texter was, so I wrote back asking “I’m sorry, who is this?”

I definitely was not prepared for the next text I got 20 seconds later:

I busted out laughing. Seriously? Man, how cheesy.

I suddenly remembered then wrote “I think you have the wrong person” hoping he’d let go.

“Its jeff from the gym i sent u some pics so u wouldnt forget bout me” he wrote

Any guy who will not include his face but instead his body in a picture is simply idiotic to me. Just goes to show you he doesn't have a "pretty face" and would rather show off his tiny torso instead (he was my height, about 5'5"/165cm). That and the ghetto text lingo just turned me off.

I replied “Um… no thanks. Take care”

He surprisingly didn’t text back that last time…..

Aw, what a bummer!

Megaphone Guy

I’ve decided to lay low on OKCupid and have deactivated my profile for the time being, however, not before pulling out the last two candidates and continuing the dating process off the site through texting and AIM.


Late last week, I continued messaging another guy who was a 30-year old high school teacher. I appreciated his direct approach when he messaged me “I’m in the mood for pie and coffee. Are you busy this weekend?”

I like direct men. It shows confidence and weeds out the otherwise shy, quiet guys. I told him I was up for it, seeing as to how he appeared normal in his pictures and online, and we agreed to meet up on Saturday night.

He told me he’d call between 3 and 4 on Saturday afternoon and at 3:50 pm, my phone rang.

Hmmm, right on time. I like this.

He sounded extremely chipper and active and told me we could meet up on my side of town at The House of Pies. “And if you want, we can go out later, to like Dave and Buster’s” he said

What if I don’t like the guy? Ugh… I don’t want to get stuck following up on an agreement if I want to pull out.

“Uh, let’s see how we do first. I mean, I don’t want to pressure you into hanging out if we don’t get along” I told him. “Ok, sounds fair” he answered.

That night, I got caught in a thunderstorm, and I showed up to the diner about 20 minutes late. On the way there, I tried to pump myself up and hoped “Man, let this guy be IT.” I saw him from a distance and continued walking towards him. I was completely shocked by what I came up to.

Oh man was he NOT what I was expecting. He looked completely different from his profile picture. Maannn…. I should pay closer attention and always find a way to ask for MORE pictures. We greeted with a hug and sat down. I couldn’t look at him straight in the eyes. He was so unattractive. But what bothered me the most weren’t his looks- it was his loudness. He talked so loud that everyone within a 4 table radius could notice we were on a first date. He wasn’t talking to me personally- he was talking to the entire diner. He was hyper, excited and too outgoing. Megaphone guy. So I played the cold and quiet card.

Man this sucks. I got stuck with an ugly guy. Again. We continued with the date and ordered something to eat. I honestly lost my appetite and ordered an ice cream shake instead. I tried effortlessly to speak to him in a quiet tone so he’d get the hint. Didn’t work. I just kept looking around at the other customers, sinking lower and lower into the booth.

About an hour later, I decided to hint that I was leaving. I told him I was going to my mom’s for the night and bid him good night.  As he walked back to his car, I noticed he had slumped down and was no longer standing tall.  The date lasted an hour. It actually took me longer than that to get ready. Past midnight, he texted me “Had a good time tonight, sorry pie and coffee wasn’t your thing.” I don’t remember responding, but the following day, around midnight again I got the following text “Assuming there won’t be a second date, which seems safe based on last night, I just wanted to extend best wishes and say good luck in the whole finding happiness life thing. Bye.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle.

Oh well, one guy chucked out of the running. No big deal.

Will Karma get me?

I've come to the conclusion that things with the marine will most likely not move forward. We hardly ever talk these days as we're both incredibly busy with school, and the only contact we manage to have are the forced texts daily. Or what I presume to be at least.

So I've gone on both Plenty of Fish and OkCupid in search of my dashing prince. In actuality, my requirements are that he:

• be attractive enough to make me go WOW, 
• settled with a good job, or at least in school.
• not have kids

I'm really not in the mood for the 25 year old who's still searching himself in life. So it appears to be kind of difficult to find that combination as many guys may be attractive, but when they don't have a job or aren't going to school, their attractiveness level drops by about 90 points. Same goes with the nerd (which I prefer) who has his life in order, but is not physically attractive, which was the case with Virgin Boy Trevor.

While on OKCupid one day, I hit the option to be quick matched with someone. I kept browsing through profiles until it landed me on Trevor's page.

Crap!!!!

This wouldn't be so bad if he couldn't see on his end that I'd viewed his profile again.

Oh man, I hope he doesn't think anything of it.

I was wrong. About two days later, I received the following message from him:

I honestly and truthfully got teary eyed when I read his letter. I felt incredibly guilty and awful for what I'd done. Here was this guy professing his interest in me, but I couldn't muster to tell him that I didn't find him attractive enough to be with him. When he didn't call me back after the second time, I honestly thought I was off the hook. I wonder if he would of ever sent me a message if I hadn't landed on his page by mistake.

"It took a small accident to make it happen. An accident?? AN ACCIDENT!!" 

The more I thought about giving him a chance, the more I realized that quite possibly, in time, his character would be attractive enough to make me overlook the physical aspect. But for now, I couldn't, and I didn't want to settle.

So I responded......

After I'd sent the response, I realize how cold I must have sounded, but I felt this was the best way for him to know. From experience, people latch on if I'm not direct. They think I want to be chased when in reality, I don't want to be- by them. A million thoughts entered my mind. I thought "Shoot, maybe I should give him a chance"; "Maybe I should be his friend"; "Maybe I should call him tonight and invite him out"; "No, he'll get the wrong idea"; "If I date him, I know he's submissive and I'll walk all over him" etc. etc.

I know looks fade, but I'm not up for the task of teaching him everything- from kissing, to having sex, to dealing with feelings. I'm not a teacher, and in this case, I'd rather be the submissive one; I tend to treat guys better when I am.

When dating backfires

I met up with Matt at Ikea after work on Tuesday and managed to spend about 2.5 hours just walking around, flirting.  I admit it wasn't awkward and we behaved rather well, like a couple in the honeymoon phase.

I invited him back to my house, and went into the bathroom to freshen up. Soon after, I join him in the living room and we begin watching TV.  Some time later, things progress and heat up. And those 5 little words creep up: "Do you have a condom" I ask. "Yeah" he answers.

Finally!! He's up. Oh.... way up this time. I guess he got some fuel earlier today.

We move things into the bedroom- my parent's bedroom to be precise, and manage to take care of business, much more efficiently this time.

Oh wow, this time was much better than the last.

Once finished, Matt disposes of the evidence in the kitchen trashcan and quickly heads into the living room to get dressed.

Hmmm, mmmmh, okay. I guess he's in a hurry to go somewhere.

We lie back on the couch and continue watching TV for a good hour or so, making a few jokes every now and then. Soon enough, things become warm again and I "somehow" get down to my skivvies.

"Do you have another condom?" I ask him.

He doesn't respond.

"You know we can't then" I tell him.

He continues taking off his pants, fumbling to get them off of his legs.

"So do you?" I ask him again.

From underneath, he produces a second wrapper as I hear the hallelujah chorus in my head.

Ca-ching! Round #2.

We begin on the couch until he tells me to go into the bedroom. I climb off, underestimating my own equilibrium and nearly fall to the ground.

"Oh my god, my legs are so weak" I say laughing, "I can't walk!"

My legs managed to cramp up and fall asleep, to the point where I stumbled into the bedroom. Once there, Mark puts me on the bed and without skipping a beat, gets down to business.  Everything is great when all of a sudden he grabs me by the hair and pulls it down into my back. Hard.

Ooh, kinky. 

I try to straighten out and bring my neck forwards, but he continues tugging at my long hair.

Ow!! WTF?? Let go of my hair!

Suddenly, I can't move my head. He's got my hair in a fist grabbed so tightly that the more I struggle, the harder he pulls.

"You like that?" he asks

Huh, I guess he's one of those hair-pulling guys.

"Mmh hmm" I manage to muster, hoping that he'll release my head from his fist of fury.

He continues working when I tell him to go faster as I'm close to completion. He finally comes and lays on me for a while until he rolls off the bed and takes off the condom.

We go back into the living room and continue watching TV for a while until a few hours later when he has to leave home. I get attached and don't want to see him go as I walk him over to the door.

The next day at work, he texts me a couple of times and we make small conversation. I call him later that evening to see if he's available to hang out the next evening considering he doesn't work or have school. "I'm not sure. Depends on how I'm feeling."

What??

"Well, nevermind then"  I tell him.

"Are you offended?" he asks.

"Well, you either know it or you don't [if you want to hang out] None of this 'We'll see' [crap]" I answer viciously.

"Well, it's just that it's been a while since I've had some time off to myself. I've been busy with school and work and I want a breather" he says.

I didn't know going out with me was such hard work. If it's that big a deal for you to drive to my side of town, I'm open to going to yours. It hurts that I'm being rejected this way.

The following day, I ask him if he can hang out Friday, and we go through the same dance, except this time he says "I work tomorrow."

"I thought you said you only worked morning and early afternoons" I mentioned.

"I do, but sometimes I get off at 5pm" he answers.

That's it. I've had it. I can take a hint. So I get the courage and say what's on my mind. "Ok, I don't want to get hurt. I like you, but I really don't know if you like me. I don't want to get strung around because I've done it before and I didn't like it" I tell him.

He remains quiet on the line and begins again "It's not that I don't want to hang out with you. But my school is my top priority, you know what I mean? I went into the military to be able to get school paid for, so I don't want to fall behind and mess with this opportunity. I took these courses over the summer, but I didn't think I was going to have such a hard time with them. On the other hand, I think we moved way too fast the last couple of days" he said, referring to sex.

"I agree, but it's a little too late now to slow down. What happened already happened. You can't change it" I told him.

"I know it's partially my fault. I never should have let things progress the way they did. That was just way too soon" he said.

He had mentioned that his previous two girlfriends and he had waited at minimum a couple of months before engaging in a sexual relationship. We met on a Tuesday and had sex on that Friday. And I have to be a big girl and realize that I made a mistake.

"Well, you've already turned me down twice, so I'm not going to ask you again when we can hang out" I told him.

"What do you mean? I haven't turned you down twice" he said.

"Yes, you said you wouldn't be able to hang out yesterday, and now tomorrow too" I explained.

"But I didn't say we couldn't hang out on Friday. I can come to your side of town" he said.

We made plans to meet up on Friday, but we had such bad rain that day, that I told him it would be best if he didn't drive out. There was a lot of flooding and I didn't want him to risk being stranded at midnight, considering I had to leave to pick up my mom at the airport later that night.

I talked to my friend Roger, who I had been "romantically involved" with a few years ago and he asked me about my dating situation.  I told him the truth and he mentioned that I was making a faux-pas and not making them wait long enough. "We dated for months and you never gave it up for me. What happened?" he asked.

"I'm sexually frustrated and my backup isn't available. I realize now that I made a mistake and I will learn from it." I told him.

Honestly, it never occurred to me that sleeping with someone too soon would have its consequences. I haven't had that many sexual partners, and it didn't happen with Sebastian when we slept together one week after we'd met, but I guess the timing was just right. We'd talked so much on the phone and went out a few times during that week leading up to it. But now I know that with Matt, things weren't as easy.  We aren't a couple and we're not exclusive in a sense.

I noticed on POF that he was still regularly logging into his account and asked him if he was dating around. "No, I don't have the time. You're the only person I'm talking to on a regular basis. I get messages, but I don't reply to them" he told me.

Lately, we haven't talked on the phone as much, and when we do, we only talk for a while until one of us has to call the other one back. He'll text sometimes, but it just feels empty.

I screwed up, and I need to take this as a serious lesson. I never would have known how to deal with it if it hadn't happened to me, so in a sense, I take this experience as a "positive" but ugly occurrence.

I know what to do now.

"Just get a bigger toy" Roger recommended.