I met a girl

No... not in that way.... sorry to disappoint.

I firmly believe in the saying "People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime."

I met Shannon at a friend's party a couple of months back, and we just clicked from the beginning. I'm certain alcohol played a big factor in allowing me to feel comfortable enough to go back to her place along with her gay male friend, but that's beside the point.

The following weekend, she invited me out to celebrate her friend's birthday, and from that point on, we hung out every single weekend.

The kicker here though is that she was moving to NYC in December, so I made sure to exploit every outing to the maximum. We went to bars, clubs, restaurants, even BINGO out of all places and had a blast each time. We stayed in, got drunk on cheap vodka, dressed up to go out and made memories captured on film for our 3-day Halloween weekend.

During this time, I didn't even even bother to do any dating- I simply wasn't interested in giving up my girl-time for a guy. Time was limited and critical.

And this was when I realized that I didn't need to have a guy in my life to make me happy; as long as I had a strong group of friends, I was happy with that, and was sure to have fun. She came into my life for a reason, and that was to get me out of my dark, depressed moments. I can honestly say that this season was by far the easiest and funnest I've had in a VERY LONG TIME. And even though she moved away, I feel like she will remain in my heart and memories a lifetime.

Nerds.

Losing a friend

It happens every so often; you gain a friend, you lose a friend, but I've always found frienship breakups to be somewhat awkward. Is it just as easy to walk away?

I "met" Wes on a POF (single's website) almost two years ago, when I began my foray into the dating scene. He was the first person I spoke to, and because of that, developed an attachment to him. However, we never actually met in person; he was too different for me: too rough, vulgar and different from what I physically liked. I hardly talked to him during the year, and we'd reconnect every once in a while for a few weeks, and trail apart soon after. We just didn't have anything in common.

During the summer, we began talking again as I found myself single and openly searching for my next challenge. I soon found out however that he had moved away to Minnesota and was currently undergoing a harsh breakup with a girl he loved. Somewhere along the way, he finally called me and we spoke on the phone for the very first time. It was an instant connection we shared, one based on friendship.

Over the months, we talked online more often, but never on the phone. He had started school again and kept himself very occupied but always found the time to talk to me. We vaguely touched on each other's feelings, but he made it an open promise to meet up when he came back to Houston.

On Christmas Eve, Wes messaged me on Aim saying he needed to talk to someone. He'd been agonizing over the death of his brother 9 years back and couldn't stop blaming himself for what had happened. His brother was in the USMC and was killed in Iraq. He opened up about losing over 35 people in the last 8 years and couldn't bring himself to lose any more, hence why he'd kept me at such a distance all this time.

"I'd rather not know then know and lose [someone]" he said.

I could tell he was hurting, and I tried so hard to help, but I couldn't possibly fathom what he'd experienced. I couldn't put myself in his place. The more I tried, the more he pushed me away, telling me to walk away while I still could. He said he couldn't be helped, and that ever since he'd been out of the military himself, couldn't stop dwelling on his losses and fighting his own demons.

So I cracked. I gave up.

Ren: You want me to walk away from you?
Wes: It'd be best for you to be honest.
Ren: I'm hurt. But if you want me to do that for you,
Wes: Doesn't matter about me Ren....
Ren: There's not much else I can do
Wes: Save yourself while you can.

I felt a lump in my throat, rejected, and my heart actually hurt from losing someone again, even if it wasn't romantic. I shed a few tears, and thought hard about the decision I'd made.

I feel that perhaps I gave up too easily; maybe the alcohol got to him, and he was talking nonsense. Either way, I deleted him from Facebook and Aim as well that night and we haven't spoken since then.

Did I do the right thing?

Year's End

It has been... hold on let me check.... over a month since I last wrote anything at all. I've been busy with "other things" such as work, school, and work. Not much dating has been going, and my temper and patience are starting to wear out thin.

I recently went on a 2-week vacation to South America (which I will comment on in a future post) and I am still HAppiLy SINGle. Yes, believe the "sarcasm"- I am actually happy to be single.

I want to get through finals (tomorrow) before I can update on things that I've been doing in the meantime.

I will you see you all shortly.

-Ren

An apology 4 years later

It's been 4 years since I broke up with one of the greatest loves of my life- the person who I planned to marry, the person I never doubted, and the only person who treated me like a queen. His name was (still is) Josh.

That 4-year relationship came to a screeching halt when I moved with my family from California to Texas. It was a deafening wake-up call from fantasy, one that left me single for 2.5 years (until I met Sebastian) and has made me depressed ever since.

ANywAy......

Once we broke up, we never saw eye to eye on things, and while we were both hurt and angry at each other, we proceeded to alienate ourselves from one another and never be on speaking terms again. A year later, I called him to ask for money that he owed me, hoping he would somehow be able to pay me back. He promised that he would, but never did. The following year, in 2008, Hurricane Ike hit Houston, and while the rest of the country was watching the news, Josh wrote to me and asked if I was okay. We tried to make peace, but things were still painful for me and we eventually became bitter and angry at each other again. That was the last I heard of him.

Until this week......

It's Monday morning, and I'm checking my phone and see a notification on my Facebook.
I have a new message and it doesn't hit me until I read the sender's name.
Him.

"I really need to apologize for everything that ever happened.  I've been dwelling a lot lately about getting older, and growing up in general. I blamed you for the shit that happened between us for a long time, and it's taken me a while-- but I realize that I share blame in what happened between you and I. I was immature and young, and while I'll never condone the way you treated me, I instigated and forced upon you issues that you never should have dealt with.  What we both did to one another wasn't fair in the slightest, and I apologize for the stupid shit I put you through. 

Sorry to bother you. I know it's been forever, but I had to get it off my chest."

I was surprised and confused. I don't think he ever did anything remotely as bad as I did to him. Still, I couldn't help but wonder why he was coming back so many years later with an apology that he really didn't need to make.

I responded the following afternoon:

"You never did anything wrong. If anything, the only wrong thing you did was caring too much for someone who didn't deserve it..... I learned to understand that I was immature and irresponsible to have been in that relationship. I'm sure things worked out for the best and I'm glad you can finally put this behind you and move on, although, I quite honestly thought you had already."

He went on to say that looking back, he'd realized that he'd forced me to be with him (though I don't consider it so) and because he was unable to control his emotions, he put my family and I through some trying situations. He continued saying that he thought he was over it too, but some things had happened that were a consequence of what had happened between us two in the past, though indirectly. Frankly, it made me curious, because I really don't know how someone can still harbor "grudges" or "sentiments" for something that happened so long ago- especially since he is still with the same girlfriend, 4 years later.

"As far as if it worked out for the best: It's had some good things come out of it, and some bad."

Regardless of the vague statements he expressed, I still thanked him for the apology. I knew him well enough then to know that he is probably feeling depressed now; Possibly because of how his life turned out. I don't know, I'm only guessing.

Halloween 2010

I had a very successful weekend for Halloween. Everything that I planned for didn't happen, and someone completely took me by surprise as well.

Last week, I ended up meeting a guy I had been talking to for the week prior. We hit it off in conversations rather well, and thought we would end up meeting sometime the following week. We ended up meeting late on a Saturday night and hit it off rather easily but it soon occurred to me that this would only turn into a "benefits" thing. Things heated up and we became physical right away, but days later, he said he would be joining the Air Force in the new year. This didn't surprise me at all because he had openly admitted it before we'd even met in person.

Still, he offered to take me out on a real date the Friday before Halloween, and I accepted and told him to meet me after class in my side of town. Somewhere along the way, he was... "detained" and had to attend to his mother who had "mysteriously" gotten a "flat tire" on the "other side" of town. I was angry that I had to wait so long and asked him to tell me right away if he would cancel altogether so that I could go out with my friends instead. When I didn't hear back in time, I took off to my friend's. An hour later, I received a text asking me that if I still wanted to wait, he would be ready in an hour- at 11:30. Dinner that late? Yeah Right.

"I already left for the night" I responded.

Once at my friends, we dressed up in our costumes and went out to Washington St. to the different bars and pubs having their festivities that night. (I was Red Riding Hood)

The following day, we proceeded to do the same but this time went to the gay side over at Montrose. I admit, I haven't had that much fun in a really long time. The gay guys in costumes were hilarious! And a lot of them looked absolutely amazing in their outfits.  Soon after, I start thinking about my Gorgeous Guy. GG or "Duff", is someone I met last year and went on a few dates. It never materialized; the guy was way out of my league, both intellectually and physically. The guy is the most amazingly good looking guy I've ever had the pleasure of kissing. However, every few months or so, we get back in touch, talk and hang out for a while before splitting ways and not hearing from each other again. It's normal, I'm ok with it, and it makes me excited when I see him again. The last time we hung out was..... in April and we parted ways with an unexpected kiss.

At about 11:00 pm, buzzed and feeling very happy, I decided to text Duff to see if he was out enjoying the festivities as well.

Ren: 10:58 pm: Whatcha doing tonight?
Duff: Hey we're on washington, come =)
Ren: I think we're headed out that way later. What are you wearing?
Duff: 11:15 pm: Text me when u around. Pearl Bar.

Unfortunately, to my dismay, Saturday night was reserved for our gay friend, meaning that we would only be going to the gay bars that night. I was disappointed considering I wanted to see Duff, but figured that maybe the next day could bring on another opportunity.

Around 3:30 or so, we decided to head back home, completely wasted out of our minds. I remember texting people that night, but the one I remember the most is Duff's.

Come over? Oh wow. Now that's an intriguing invitation considering we've never gotten physical.

I won't lie. If I could have gone, I would have, but I could not see straight, and he didn't have his car either. He was only 4 miles out, and the temptation killed me. However, the alcohol got the best of me and I ended up falling asleep on the couch regardless. The next day, I woke up to find out Duff had passed out cold as well. At about 2 pm, I decided to give him a call and see how he was doing. I suggested we go out to eat, and an hour later, I was at his apartment. With a hangover. He as well. 

We had a long lunch with painful, strained conversation, which was to be expected. About two hours later, I take him back to his friend's to pick up his car and he gives me a hug good bye. I can see him moving forward to give me a kiss, but I turn my head and he kisses me on the cheek. We look at each other, and I plant him a kiss on the lips as he's getting out of the car, and flat out say "I really want to make out with you."

He smiles, says "OK!!" and closes the door back.

"No, not here!" I tell him.

"Ok, then where? You want to go somewhere?" he asks

"Um, yeah. But I don't know where" I reply.

"We can go back to my place, and take a nap" he suggests.

"Ok, let's do that" I agree.

A short while later, we're in his bedroom, listening to his band's rehearsal pieces. He comes over to me and starts kissing me. We eventually DO end up falling asleep and waking up randomly to continue kissing. I'll admit, it was very hot, but I never once felt uncomfortable. If anything, the intensity of the kissing was exciting, and I could, ahem, *feel* that he was enjoying it as well. At about 7:30 or so, I ended up leaving to go to my friends, with my hair disheveled, but with a huge grin on my face.

I'm glad I got my treat. :) 

I paid $12.99 for a cancer bottle

I've had my eye on the Starbucks To-Go cups for a while but couldn't find them online anywhere. Some Ebay vendors were selling them for $30-40 a pop; simply outrageous! I read forums where people were saying Starbucks had only made them available during the holiday season and had quickly sold out. Another person simply suggested to check the local store to possibly find it on the shelf.

I let the idea go for a while, and was actually considering paying up to $20 to get one online if I found one.

I decided to go to my local Starbucks last week just to take a look, and found them stacked on the shelf. YAY! I paid my $12.99 plus tax, and became the proud owner of an overpriced Grande Cold Cup Tumbler by Starbucks Coffee. Oh yeah......

Earlier today, as I was reading through my Yahoo news, I came across an article about 5 Scary Cancer Questions, Answered.

One of the questions asked if we should worry about dangerous chemicals in some bottles. In brief:

"Whenever possible, give plastic water bottles a pass and sip from glass or steel containers instead (I often choose a metal commuter cup);.....and avoid plastics with the code 7 on the bottom—those are more likely to contain BPA"

I happened to turn my cup over and noticed a small "7" on the bottom.

Hmmm, well, isn't that interesting.

Cancer cups are now available online at Starbucks.

The men in my life....

Just keep disappearing.

I wonder if I'm supposed to play with them, treat them like shit, or be sensitive, but all of them just disappear so damn quickly. We have a great week of emails, chatting and phone talks. We meet, things get exciting, heat up then quickly fizzle.

Could it also have anything to do with putting out too quickly?

My friends say I should stop and meet men the old fashioned way and stay away from the internet.  Online dating websites have become a supermarket for me- carefully picking out from the top shelf near the back for the good stuff. Yet, everything just happens to fall right onto my face cause I can't quite grasp things so far out of reach.

Am I supposed to play with men the same way I've been played and hope that one of them will actually want to follow me?  Do I need to be dominant at first, and submissive later?

We've got a Stage 5 Clinger!

Yep, that would be me.

Definition: A member of the opposite sex that is likely to become overly attached, overly fast; in reference to: virgins, those on the rebound, and the emotionally fragile.

Ok, so I don't technically hound J with calls or texts; I call him during my lunch break and catch up for a few minutes, and he'll call me later on in the evening while he's on a call for work. But lately, it hasn't happened. So much that in the past 2 business weeks, we've hardly really talked.

J appologized last week for being so out of touch; he'd been having a stressful time at work and wanted to crash as soon as he got home in the evenings. I was considerate of his ability to come forward and be open about what was going on with him, telling him "It's good that you told me. I tend to think of the worst when I don't hear back from you."

Last weekend, J invited me out to go to an Astros game along with a few of his friends. We hardly talked, and I noticed there was some pent up tension between us resulting from the previous night. He thought I was mad about something, but I really wasn't, and turns out he didn't really believe it. Later on, we went to a bar with his friends to celebrate a birthday, and it wasn't until I had enough alcohol in me that I began to feel comfortable. We drove back to his place later that night and quickly fell asleep. The next morning, we went out for his groceries, and later that afternoon, I went back to my friends for a bbq; he was having a bbq at his place after I'd told him of my plans.

During the week, I continued calling him during my lunch breaks, each time getting his voicemail. I didn't make an effort to ask to spend the night at his place because I knew he'd be getting ready for a trip out to Florida this weekend and didn't want to get in the way. We talked a couple of times during the week, and yesterday before work, I sent him the following text:

Ren: 7:00am: I can't help but think that something's wrong. You hardly call, you hardly write.... How do you feel?

A few hours later, probably after he awoke, I received:

J: 9:54 am: Nothing is wrong... I guess I didn't realize it but I'm losing steam.

.... um... ok.... WTF?

I was confused. I'd never heard that expression before, and I was completely lost as to the hidden meaning behind it. I thought about it for most of the day and asked my coworkers what they could make of it. I called him when I got off work, but surprise, got his voicemail. Once I got home, I texted back

Ren: 5:53 pm: Losing steam? What does that mean?

I never got an answer or a call back. I was really pissed off.

I deserve an answer damnit! Don't be a coward and ignore my messages. Technology is everywhere. Even if your phone is dead, facebook me. For the next few hours, I glanced back at facebook to see if he'd updated something on his end; between last night and this afternoon, he did. So he just flat out ignored me.

I hate the dreaded 2-week period. Things take off great; it's exciting, we talk a lot and want to hang out, but as soon as the 3rd week rolls around, things fall flat and I get faded out. It has happened without fail the last 3 times. I want to blame myself for it, I mean, the odds are against me, but I can't blame myself for what I truly want. I want someone who wants to spend most of their available time with me, because I want to do the same.

As soon as I didn't get a response within appropriate time from J, things started heating up with Matt. He's only temporary, but who says I can't have twinkies too?

Knowing you've moved on

It's been March.... September- wow, over 6 months since Sebastian and I broke up and I'm finally learning to move on . As you may recall, he and I were together for a very unstable year, when he all of a sudden decided to pull the plug for the second time. I admit that the second breakup didn't hurt as much as the first, but I'd be lying if I didn't say it was evident we weren't going to be together much longer.

I knew it from the beginning, but I was too weak to break off on my own, regardless of how many flags I saw going up. I might as well have been driving go-karts with all those warning signs.

I spent the next two months alone, grieving privately, finishing up with my semester at school and adjusting into my new job at the adoption agency. And when summer hit, I decided to go on a dating rampage. I dated left and right and had a very good time. I met a few guys who didn't really woo me the way I wanted to be courted. And during all those sexcapades escapades, I often thought back to Sebastian and how much of a gentleman he had been, and all the wonderful things he had done for me. I kept comparing each guy to him, wondering when my perfect man would come by.

Sebastian and I never talked on the phone or saw each other again after we said our goodbyes 2 weeks after the breakup, and I figured it would be easier if I decided to block all means of communication between us; I hid his status updates on Facebook, and never once lingered back to his page. I did realize however that he had met someone when he was no longer active on Plenty of Fish, and his profile status said that he had met somebody new. 

When I finally admitted to myself that I had reached the point of no return with Sebastian, meaning that I would not consider ever being with him again, I went back to his Facebook to take a peek.
Not much had changed in his world, but one thing was clear: his relationship status. He'd been dating a girl a month after we'd broken up.

He surely moved on fast.

But wait, he started dating me 3 months after he'd moved out of the house he shared with his wife, so I guess it was normal for him to move fast.

I saw a picture of them together, and I have to say I was not impressed. At all. You know how you always hope that the next person be ugly? She was a plain Jane. I'd been breaking myself for 5 months thinking he was dating a hottie- when I could of saved myself so much hassle had I known what she looked like......

I think it made it easier to accept things because a) she wasn't that cute, and b) because I was excited about J.

If the opportunity arose, I'd feel comfortable talking to Sebastian, just to catch up. But I'd much rather spend my time with J than conjuring up old memories.

I have HSV-1

I neglected writing and for good reason.  Cowardness and fear.

I've been putting this off for almost a week because I was only considering writing when I got my results.  And now that I have them, it's time to be honest and open.

A couple of weeks ago, I started talking to a new guy who messaged me online: "J". He seemed too good to be true- blue-eyed, attractive and witty. He wanted to meet right away but I told him I wanted to see how the week went by first over the phone before setting anything up. Throughout the week, we texted and talked some more, and it was obvious that we were getting along very well. I told him about RHPS and he was sold on the idea, so for our first date, we agreed to go to the Riveroaks Theatre at midnight to catch The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

He came to pick me up at my place near 11:30, after I'd gotten home from my friend's birthday party. Tipsy and jittery from drinking Jägerbombs and Red Bull, I nervously greeted him at his car where he proceeded to hand over leftover brisket he'd made that day for his friend's birthday party.

First meeting and already cooking? This is great.

I'll admit I was extremely nervous, and I'm sure the Red Bull only made it worse, but I didn't exactly feel the instant connection the moment I met him. He looked exactly like his pictures, so I don't know why I wasn't completely sold. However, we got through the night and afterwards went to a 24-hour diner and had something to eat. He took me back home around 3:30am where we shared our first kiss.

I remember not feeling up to meeting him again, but decided to let go of my fears and see him again the following day. I'm glad I did.

The next day, we went to the museum district where there was a mini-Oktober Fest going on. We bared through the extreme heat and sat near the reflecting pool and talked for a while before realizing we were sweating buckets when no breeze was coming through. We later left to go get dinner and headed back to my apartment to watch a movie. We spent the rest of the evening talking and really getting to know each other. And that's when I realized this was different.

Things with Matt and Nate had always been left in the air. "We'll play it by ear" said Nate; "School's very important for me" said Matt. With J, I could feel I was getting validation and that we were both looking for the same thing: a relationship. Although his lack of experience in the relationship department put me on my guard, I felt like I was getting real answers.

J and I hung out again the following week and had a great time. J spent the night and that's when it happened. I felt a little bump on my lower lip, slowly start to grow. This is weird. I wonder what it is. When the bump didn't go away overnight, I checked it in the morning and felt my heart began to race. I told J "I need to talk to you. Have you ever had a cold sore?" J's eyes widened and he stopped dead in his tracks.

"No, why?"
"Because I feel something on my lip, and I don't know what it is." I told him
"Let me see" he asked as I showed him my lower lip.

"That doesn't look like a cold sore. Cold sores are supposed to be clear and with puss. Yours doesn't look anything like that" he reassured me. "Well how do you know if you've never gotten one?" I asked him. "Cause I've seen pictures" he told me.

Out of precaution, I didn't kiss him as we parted ways that morning. He checked up on me a few times later during the day, asking how I was feeling and if my symptoms had changed. On my way out of work, I told him the truth and told him that it had grown more and was starting to form a fluid-like blister underneath, white/clear/yellow in color. I told him I was on my way to the clinic to get tested that evening. He continued reassuring me over and over, and told me not to get stressed as it could bring on more problems.

I was scared. What does this mean? Is this a deal breaker? How did this happen? Who gave it to me? So many questions were flying through my mind, leaving me hopeless and confused. I waited nearly an hour to be seen by the doctor who said "Yep, it most likely is a cold sore. We can get you tested if you want, but it's not necessary, and it's kind of expensive" she said. "That's fine. I'd rather know now for sure. How much?" I asked. "$90" the assistant said. "And that's for both 1 and 2 [HSV]?" I asked. "Yes" she answered.

I had already tested three weeks prior for the full STD pannel when I'd mysteriously gotten sick, except the doctor who checked me saw "no need to test for herpes since there are no symptoms and so many people have it. Will knowing you have it change anything?" she said.  I didn't know she hadn't tested me for HSV-1/2 until I got the results in the mail the following week. When they tell you "everything came back normal" over the phone, it only matters on what they actually tested you for. Apparently in my case, it wasn't EVERYTHING, and I'll never know if I already had it before I met J.

Throughout the waiting period, J kept reassuring me and comforting me that having oral herpes would not be a deal breaker. "I can tell this is bothering you and affecting how you feel because you're not calling as much. It's ok. So many people have it. There's a good chance I have it too, but have never had an outbreak."

We continued seeing each other and hanging out, but not kissing. The blister slowly started receding while I used Abreva for the days after my visit at the clinic. On Tuesday, I called out sick from work after feeling incredibly sore and called the clinic for my results. "The doctor noted on your lab that the test for HSV-1 came back positive." "So it's oral herpes then" I said. "Yes," the assistant said, "but you shouldn't worry too much about it. About 80% of Americans have it."

Upon hearing the news, I immediately called J to share the results. "I tested positive for HSV-1" and broke down in tears. J felt hopeless and tried to comfort me as much as he could over the phone. "I'm sorry. I wish I was there to help you feel better. Please don't be upset. It's going to be ok. It's not so serious."

At the moment, I felt fear, anger, weakness and most of all, shame. "I took care of myself for 25 years. I had a pretty good run" I told him. "It's okay, you just need to take care of yourself now and be more careful with your health. Don't get stressed, keep your immune system in check so you can prevent future breakouts. I really didn't want you to think that this would be a deal breaker because I noticed how quieter you had gotten over the last few days" he said.

After getting off the phone, I felt a great moment of relief. I'd finally let it off my chest, and I slowly started putting the worry away. I talked to Nate about it who immediately freaked out (just as I had) and went to get tested the following day. His results had been negative on his last visit as well, so I'm waiting on him to see if he has it or not; but at this point, the issue is rather moot. I could have caught it from him, Matt, Jordan or any cup I'd sipped from, though unlikely.

I confided in BEG who had also admitted to having the virus to me last year, but never having a cold sore. The more we talked, the more he reassured me and eased my mind and fears. "Welcome to the 80%" he said, "and don't worry about that one guy [Nate.] Fuck him for being ignorant on the matter."

Later that night, I called my mom and told her the news. "Herpes on which lips?" she said, and we both started laughing. "Be careful cause you can get them down there too!" she said. I have to say that I was happy to open up to my mom. She reminded me that she had  herpes, though in her case, it affects her chin, and hadn't had a breakout in almost ten years before she had one this past summer. [Heat triggers her breakout] "It's something you'll have for the rest of your life, but it's not something to get too worked up about" she said.

Though I'm not thrilled by the result, and the stigma that comes from it, I feel better about it today than I did last week or last year. It's not an STD. It's an unfortunate virus I got from sharing spit with someone who probably didn't know they had it at the time either. I'm done trying to put the blame on someone, and I'm hoping people will learn to be open about it and get rid of that ignorance. Chances are your favorite actor has oral herpes cause of all that smooching for the silver screen.

J came to see me yesterday and took me out during my lunch hour. I felt better and happier to know that he was still there. I couldn't help but smile when he said "So when do I get to kiss you again?"

Twinkies and Sex

I, Renrexx, am guilty of so-called Booty Call. I behaved like a man, and quite frankly, enjoyed every second of it. The suitor in this story? Matt, the Marine, my Plan B mishap.

Matt and I stopped talking sometime during the summer before I met Nate. Things with us didn't work out- we both stopped calling each other. It was a mutual falling out, a courtship that quickly fizzled.

I'll admit I was incredibly upset to see Matt go, mainly because he had been the rebound after Sebastian, and I had formed an attachment to him. Even though I glanced at his Facebook every once in a while, I quickly put him out of the picture once I'd met Nate.

I'd messaged him on AIM some time ago to see how his summer semester had ended. We made small talk for a few minutes and saw nothing more of it. Last night, I saw him online again, and dropped a simple "Hi."

We made small talk again about his sisters, school and his roommate. We didn't ask about each other's dating escapades, and began shooting the breeze with dumb comments back and forth. Somewhere along the way, our conversation took a turn to the "dirty side." Since I'd had previous experience in dirty messaging with BEG, as well as phone sex conversations (sorry I never shared it; pictures were included as well,) I felt I was prepared to tease Matt and see how he'd respond. I expected him to shy away from it, but what he said completely took me by surprise.

Matt: We are like twinkies
Ren: How so? Maybe you, cause you have white stuff inside
Matt: Lol.
Ren: I don't know about me though.
Matt: Lol, you could. Hey-oooo.
Ren: Tempting.
Matt: I can give you some of my white filling and we really will be like twinkies!

I'm not going to share more.... only because it became pretty graphic afterwards. The conversation heated up so much, I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. After roughly 30 minutes of "foreplay", Mark said that he wasn't joking and was serious about what he was saying; if I really wanted it, I could have it. I told him I was serious but that I wouldn't drive all the way out to his place tonight- I had work the next day. He said he was getting dressed and was going to come over to my place instead. I was skeptical about it all, and didn't want to fall for the joke; I was hoping he would actually call to prove me wrong, but he hadn't. Knowing he was still 45 minutes away, I decided to hop in the shower and quickly shave, just in case he wasn't bluffing.

About halfway through my lathering, I hear the dinstinctive ringtone. I pickup and hear the ambient noise when someone is in a car.

Oh shit. He's driving.

"I hope you know I wasn't joking" he tells me.

"You better not" I answered.

"Cause I am on my way over...." he said.

I was extremely excited. He was actually going to come, but best of all, he was already on the road!

I rushed to get ready, clean up the last of my apartment, and about 30 minutes later, Matt was knocking on my door.  My heart beating hard and fast, nerves pulsating, I took him into my room and kissed him. Things heated up quickly, and he roughly took off my bottoms and my shirt. He threw me on the bed and we continued kissing. We proceeded into the act and **CENSORED < CENSORED> CENSORED**

It was... exciting, and felt great. I felt no emotional attachment to Matt at the moment, but I was happy that I was having sex with someone I'd previously had a connection with (and also done the deed), and someone I was incredibly attracted to.  The kissing was amazing and continued throughout our "activity."  Once finished, Matt sat at the edge of the bed for a while, trying to catch his breath. Unsure of what he was feeling or if he was about to leave, I asked him if he was ok.

"Yeah, I'm just really tired" he replied.

He laid out naked on the bed, trying to cool off under the fan, breathing heavily. I put my clothes back on, and laid out next to him and gradually fell asleep. Somewhere around 2 am, I woke up again, and looked at him, fast asleep. I moved around to kiss him, and slowly awoke him. He started fondling himself, and unsure as to whether it was sexomnia (Sebastian) , and still with fresh memories of drunken sex (Nate), I just watched him to see what he would do next.

He could be just masturbating, right?

It wasn't either. He rolled over and went at it again. And for quite a while, even after he came. After we finished, we both fell back asleep, him snuggled up on me, while I lay straight on my back, staring at the ceiling until I drifted off to sleep again.

In the morning, I began getting ready for work, while he continued sleeping. Once I was ready, he woke up, and I gently caressed him. He snuggled up with me one last time until I told him I had to go to work.

I didn't hear from him for the rest of the day, but I didn't mind.  I wasn't insterested in having "the talk" about where this was going, or what it meant. I preferred to leave it as-is: a fun and exciting night.  Moreover, I didn't see Matt as the conversational type. He remained fairly quiet, and the only thing we shared in common was sex.

Later on that night however, I received a text from him saying "Hopefully you weren't too terribly tired today =P."  I minded my manners and thanked him for coming, to which he responded with "lol. No thank you =P"

Overall, this experience went by a lot smoother than I could have expected it. I'm glad it happened. I definitely had that extra bounce in my walk the next day.

And a big smile.

An old flame continues burning

I spent some time a few months ago writing about the older man in my "younger" years. His name was Chris, and he was a service rep. for the shop where I used to work with my dad.

I admitted to you, my readers, that I'd recently caught myself daydreaming about him while at work, wondering what had become of him after the last time we'd talked over 2 years ago.

Some personal changes happened during the summer, and I quickly put him out of the picture, realizing that I wouldn't be able to accept the 20 year difference between us right now.

A couple of weeks ago, however, I missed a call and received  a voicemail.

"Hello Ren, this is Chris, from California. I used to service your shop when you used to work out there with your dad. Anyway, I just wanted to give you a call and see how you were doing. I'd love to hear from you. Take care, bye bye."

I stopped dead in my tracks, mouth agape, blood rushing to my face.

No way. What are the chances??

That weekend, my dad had come home and my cell phone was low on its battery, therefore allowing me more excuses not to return the call right away. I texted him back to let him know I'd received his call, but wasn't available to talk.

About a week later, I finally managed to get back in touch with him, and we chatted for a short while. He was still doing the same work, living out in Palm Springs, single and kidless. We exchanged email addresses for good this time, and bid each other "good day."

A couple of weeks later, Chris began texting me on a daily basis, checking in to see how my day was going, and what my plans were for the weekend. At one point, he asked me to send him a picture of myself, saying that it had been years since he had last seen me.

And that's when the compliments started rolling in.......

"Wow Ren, u r a beautiful lady!!! You really are absolutely gorgeous! You have really grown up. When I used to stop by to see u i thought u were a very pretty girl, but in 5 years u have matured into a stunningly beautiful woman!!!"

I mentioned that I wasn't used to flattery to which he responded by saying "I can't see how! If u still lived in So. Cal. i would have asked u out for sure!"

Over the next few days, Chris would continue complimenting me, dropping subtle hints about his interest in dating, and asking me if I'd be up for accepting his invitation to dinner if he lived closer to "hopefully get to know each other better and see if there is any chemistry to pursue things further. Despite the age difference."

When I didn't answer right away, he picked up on my hesitation and I mentioned that I would rather date someone within my age group, to experience new things together. Plus, saying "It's proven that women outlive men. So where does that leave me? You've already got a head start!" most likely didn't sit too well with him.

He got the point and I told him I'd only be available to offer a friendship, to which he gladly accepted.  He asked if I could keep an open mind about his thoughts regarding me.

Essentially, we began talking a bit more and sharing details about our families. When he continued to compliment, I asked why he was crushing on me, seeing as to how I was in Texas and he was all the way over in California. He admitted that he'd found me attractive 4 years ago, and that I had been on his thoughts from time to time.

When he asked me for the second time if there was anything about him that I found attractive, I decided to set my foot down.

"It's starting to bug me that you keep pushing the issue.  I said I could be friends, but it's evident that it's not going to work" I texted him.

Apparently, he must have understood me crystal clear, because his last message to me was "No problem Ren, my apologies! take care and have a wonderful day."

It's ok to fantasize, but not actually follow through with the fantasy.

Men have become difficult

Just like men will say they don't understand women, I sometimes can't understand men either.
My labor day weekend was....... confusing, and it was all because of men.

Nate and I hung out on Friday night after my class at the college, and he decided to take me to the nice wine bar just down from his house. We had a great time. We tasted a variety of wines, cheeses and had scallops and ceviche. I don't think the meal could have been more perfect. It was past midnight, when we decided to leave. I was slowly gearing up to head back to his apartment, when his body slowly started leading me out towards the bar across the street.

"I feel like it's a waste to go to the bar, especially after the nice wines we just had" I told him.

"Come on, it's a ritual to go to the bar" he said as he grabbed my hand and walked up the stairs.

I told him not to get me anything to drink as I headed to the bathroom, saying that I would pick something when I came back. Already feeling tipsy, I wanted a break from the drinking. I came back a short while later, to find a Cosmo, and a Jägerbomb just for me. I sighed and let out a small hint of frustration.

I told him not to get me anything.

We talked out on the balcony, and continued drinking. At one point, Nate met up with some of the waiters that had been out at the Wine Bar and struck up a conversation with them. I was beginning to get very quiet because of how tired I was and Nate got mad.

"You're being mean right now. I'm the only one talking and you're not saying anything. Usually you're more talkative than this" he pointed out.

I calmly told him that I was tired, seeing as to how my day had started at 6:30 that morning, and that it was past 1:00 already. I wasn't ignoring him, I just didn't have the same amount of energy after all those drinks.

After finishing off the 4th drink at the bar (because he got me two more), we went back up to his apartment and I started getting ready for bed. I brushed my teeth and changed clothes and laid out on the couch. Nate came back with a red solo cup full of Lemon Drop. That cup is 16 ounces.

No way. I'm definitely not drinking this.

"I can't drink that. I just brushed my teeth" I told him.

"So?" Nate said, asking for justification.

"It's lemon, and I just had toothpaste in my mouth....." I said. Duh. "It's not going to taste good"

He gave me a look suggesting "And....?" and rolled his eyes and walked away.

I ended up dozzing off a few times during the dawn hours, with Nate trying desperately to keep me awake and get me to watch things online and on youtube.

"Come on, please wake up. I want to hang out with you" he commented. I did manage to get up a few times to watch what he wanted me to see, but would ultimately fall back asleep. At 5:00 am, Nate finally decided it was time to go to bed, and I crawled in to snuggle with him.

At 7:30, his phone starts beeping repeatedly, and I kindly ask him to turn it off. He opens his eyes, and completely ignores me.

Ok, he's drunk. Whatever. I took the phone, turned it off, and got my iTouch and started checking my messages and navigate towards Facebook. And that's when I notice it:

Around 3:30 am, around the same time he was talking about my status update for the wine bar, a sober man's thoughts became a drunk man's words.

I felt upset, and quickly said "I don't think this is going to work out" as he laid passed out next to me. I went into the bathroom, got my things together, and came back to wish him goodbye.

"I had a lot of fun with you, and don't regret anything at all. Take care" I said, as I gave him a kiss and headed for the door. He opened his eyes one last time, completely glazed over, and closed them back.

I went back to my apartment, a bit disappointed about the events of that evening, but determined that I wouldn't let it affect me. I thought about it for the remainder of the day, and on early Sunday morning, sent him the following text, knowing that he would be at work:

I hope you're having a good day at work. I can't explain how I felt about leaving you on Saturday. Saying "sad" doesn't quite justify it.  I had exciting times with you and am bummed not to have you there anymore. Big Hugs.

When I didn't receive a response for the rest of the day, I pushed it aside, and decided that he had spoken and was done with me. I went back to OKCupid, and began my "re-search."

****

The following day, a really cute guy named J contacted me, and we spent most of the afternoon texting and chatting online. After a while, we exchanged Facebook profiles to get a better look at each other and liked what we saw.

Around 9pm, as I'm chatting with J and talking with my mom, my phone starts ringing.  I check the caller ID and see "Nate."

WTF? Is this for real? Is he about to chew me out?

I answer the phone, and he gently greets me as usual. He asks me how I'm doing and what I've been doing this weekend, and then fills me in on what he did.

"Yeah so, I don't know when you sent me that text, and sorry for not replying sooner but..... I've been in jail this past weekend" he said.

"What?? What happened?" I ask him.

"Well, I went out on Saturday night with Renee (the neighbor), her boyfriend and her brother to the bar, and had a few drinks. We split ways when the bar closed, and I decided to get in my truck and go buy some cigarettes just down the street. Well, turns out there was a raid operation because of Labor Day weekend, and they were pulling over a whole bunch of people. I declined to do the field sobriety tests, and they took me into a mobile blood bank bus and withdrew blood, and yeah, well..... I got charged with a DWI (Driving While Intoxicated)"

"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry" I admitted.

"It's ok, it's not your fault. It's mine" he said.

I don't know what I felt at that moment, but it wasn't anger, happiness, or fear. It was peace. Although having a DWI sucks big, I felt that this would possibly help control him and tone him down on his drinking, and become more responsible.  He had spent 30 hours in jail, and had been released earlier that Monday morning. He explained that he'd have to go to court on Friday, and would most likely plead guilty, and have his license restricted for 6 months, to driving to work only.

I asked him if he remembered what had happened on Saturday and if he knew why I'd left. He said he knew that it was because of his Facebook posting, but he never gave an apology, simply stating it had been what he felt at that moment. He said he hadn't talked or seen his ex since they'd broken up over the summer.  I asked him what he wanted with us, and if he wanted to keep it going.

He simply gave me the response "Let's just play it by ear."

Play it by ear? Does it look like I want to make music??

Quick update

I need to quickly update you before I go "away" (to Nate's) for the weekend.
Nate and I are still hanging out, despite having had a tense moment last weekend. Drunk, but tense in my opinion. I swear, a sober man's thoughts ARE a drunk man's words. Anyway.....

I must also admit that someone else came into the picture- someone who I wrote about this summer. An unexpected phone call came thru. (No it wasn't Sebastian....) And I have to say that although it's not quite possible to have things progress with this particular person, it definitely is a nice feeling to be paid attention to.

It's all due to a lack of options I must say....

[sigh]

Friends and Neighbors

When I went to Nate's place last weekend, I got the chance to meet his best friend Seth.  Since I had had quite a few drinks in me by the time he came home, I don't quite remember the details of our time spent together but I remember having a very good time with both of them.

Yesterday, as the work day slowly came to an end, I received a text from Nate asking if I wanted to come over that night. It seemed a bit odd since he works the third shift (11:30pm to 8:30am) so I called him to find out what he meant; I thought he might be texting in his sleep like before. He said he'd been stuck on the phone with his cell phone company all day and hadn't had the chance to go to bed and was going to skip on work. I still had a report to finish at work and needed to go home to shower. I told him that I wouldn't get there until the 9 o'clock hour and that it would mean I'd have to stay over. "That's fine, you know you can stay over" he reassured me.

Well I didn't know it, but I guess I do now.

I arrived around 9:30 (not before receiving a handful of call from Nate asking me if I knew what time I'd be arriving. Cute, but annoying. I'll get there when I get there.) He was out on his neighbor's balcony, a girl named Renee which I had incidentally met last weekend also. They were outside smoking and having a couple of drinks, waiting for me to show up.

As soon as I walk into her apartment, she loudly greets me with "Hey beautiful!" She quickly makes me feel welcomed, offering me food out of her full fridge and freezer.

I barely have one frozen pizza in mine.

She quickly launches into a conversation, showing me pictures of her family, her past and becomes extremely chatty. As the drinks continue to be poured, Renee opens up more about her dating life and her new boyfriend who she's been with for a month. She becomes very friendly with me and offers me to raid her closet for clothes she will no longer wear. She asks for my number and begins suggesting plans for when her best friend comes to visit this weekend, including me in their dinner dates. Turns out Renee has only been living in Houston for a short while.

She takes me into her closet and has me try out a few items, when I notice a purple kimono. "Oh wow, that's my favorite color" I tell her. "Really?" she says, and pauses. She looks at me, and already incredibly tipsy, takes it off the hanger and lets me try it on. She then turns to me and says "I want you to have it."

"What....? Are you serious?" I ask her astonished.

"Yes. I never wear it anymore. But you have to promise to take care of it and wear it because it's been passed down in the family and been through the Korean War. My grandfather brought it back" she said.

I took the kimono, hugged her and thanked her. "I have a good feeling about you, and even if it doesn't work out with my new buddy here, we're still hanging out. Here is to our new friendship."

(I'm sorry the quality sucks- cell phone....)

We continued talking out on the balcony, having a few more drinks where I got the chance to loosen up some more and feel more comfortable with her. (I tend to tense up around new people who are very open and forward. As a result, I get really quiet and don't say much.) Assuming that I would be coming over this weekend, she invites Nate and I for dinner on Friday night. (Apparently she's a real good cook.)

Now, throughout all of this, Renee managed to compliment me- twice. The first happened to be when we were at the kitchen counter and she was discussing how she had told her boyfriend that she was happy to have gained weight over the years because she now had breasts. "She’s got some pretty big boobies" she said to Nate, motioning to me. I tried to brush it off. It reminded me of Gina Gershon's character in "Showgirls" when she compliments Nomi about her tits. While outside, I managed to lean my legs out onto the railing where Renee blurted out "You've got hot legs."

I don't know if I felt more embarrassed getting a compliment or the fact that it came from a girl....

Either way, it was pretty fkn sweet.

I've got you Babe

I haven't been called this in.... wow.... over 4 years.
True story.

(290 is a highway, and we were talking about how long the commute had been from his place to my work this past Thursday after spending the night there)

Chile, be strong (Fuerza Chile)

Earlier this year, Chile, the land where my entire family lives, suffered from one of the most powerful earthquakes in history. The 8.8 earthquake shook violently for nearly 90 seconds, and was followed by multiple tremors in the days and weeks after, with the  most powerful aftershock measuring 6.9.  At the time, my family in Texas was very concerned because we didn't have contact with any family member there. It took a couple of days for my brother to make himself heard, but overall, everyone was ok, and no one in our immediate family died.

Earlier this month, a gold and copper mine suffered a collapse, causing 33 miners to be trapped beneath the earth at approximately 2300 feet (700 m.) Over two weeks later, the first sign of life came through a pipe with the message

"We are alright in the refuge the 33 of us"

I can't even begin to tell you the euphoria we all felt knowing that 2 weeks later, the miners were alive, and most amazingly, all 33 were still in good health.

Time will test their strength as estimates have come through saying it will take up to 4 months to drill the hole, half a mile down, to reach them and pull them out one by one.

(Yahoo's article here)

Vamos Chilenos!

A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts

(Continued from "The Sleepover")

After making open-ended plans with Nathan to go ice skating this past weekend, I finally decided to text him 10 minutes before my shift was over on Friday to see if he wanted to do something that nights. 10 minutes went by..... then 20, and 30.

Ok, I think we're done....

It wasn't until almost an hour later that I got an answer, and while still sitting at my desk (blogging).

"Sure sounds good to me. I just need to be back around 1-ish bc my buddy Seth wanted to hang when he got outta work" he texted.

Well that.... sort of sucks, but whatev. I quickly called him back when I hear a muffled strain and stretch in his voice. "Were you sleeping?" I asked. "Oh wow, that was weird. I dreamt that you texted me and I replied an hour later." "Well you did, so did you still want to hang out" I asked. "Yeah yeah" he replied.

We made plans to go meet at his apartment and go to a steakhouse for dinner. We ordered drinks and discussed about our week since we hadn't talked at all. When our meal came in he said "You're welcome to stay as long as you want tonight, it's just that Seth is coming over and we're gonna play video games after he gets off work."

I thought it over but didn't answer. Did that mean he wanted me to stay over? I didn't see a problem with this, and felt invited to meet his best friend. We finished with dinner and went to a pub afterwards to have a few drinks. We talk more, and he tells me about his neighbor who also has a dog and how they exchanged keys in case they need to walk their pets. I give him a confused look and he says "Well, just in case I'm out, like spending the night at your place, she can walk Lady, and I can do the same for her dog."

Wait, you're.... spending the night at my place now? Um... ok.... that's.... I have to say, surprising to hear.

A couple of hours later, completely drunk, we made a run to the supermarket so that Nate could pick up more beer for his game night. We came back to his apartment and went over to the bar across the street for drinks there, again.

Now, through all of this, I begin to see a pattern: we are always drinking. And the problem I see with this is that I am a lightweight and don't know my limits. If you put a drink in front of me, I will drink it because I don't want it to go to waste and mostly because by the time I'm beginning to sip that drink, don't feel drunk yet.

After a short while, we came back into his apartment where I immediately crashed on the couch. Now, from here on out..... I can't remember specific details. Most of the evening ended up just phasing out, but I do remember a few moments. I don't remember seeing Seth for the first time and actually greeting him, but I do remember talking with him and laughing all together.  I remember him discussing his online dates and escapades. I remember waking up with a painful stomachache, with the need to throw up, and going into the bathroom and hugging the toilet, but not vomiting afterall. I remember falling down on my hands, and still feeling pain as I type this (as well as discovering a bruise on my upper thigh. How the hell did I get that??) I remember us crouched over the computer desk, watching SNL videos, and Nate saying "Baby" to me, and me doing a double take.

Why did he call me "baby?" Well, I don't know.... I think he was trying to get my attention to tell me something.

Eventually I went into Nate's bedroom and fell asleep. Later on in the night/dawn, Nate came into the bedroom to gently caress me and tell me that Seth was about to leave shortly. It was still dark, so I figured it was about 4 or 5 am. He then smiled and said "I wish you were still wearing that skirt" since I had changed into my track pants (that I always carry in my trunk for gym/pilates class.)

A few hours later, Nate crawls into bed and awakes me by gently caressing me. I can sense where this is going and tell him "You're doing everything right but I'm just getting off of my period." He sighs, smiles and says "I hate you" but continues caressing. I remind him again when he doesn't give up. I stop him and ask him "Are you sure? I can go check if you really want to do it." He responds with yes, and I proceed to go to the bathroom to find out that I am no longer on it.

I come back into the bedroom and ask him to put on a condom to which he just stares at me blankly. "Nate, where are your condoms?" He shakes his head no. "Nate, are you serious? Do you honestly not have condoms??" I ask him. "No" he responds.

UGH!!!!

At this point, I get a bit peeved. Seeing as to how he is still under the influence I shoot him an angry look and say "Do you mean to tell me that I'm going to have to do a condom run?? It's either you or me." With no answer on his behalf I reply "Well then, I guess it's me!"

At 7:30 am, I drive over to the supermarket, go into the pharmacy aisle to find it closed. I drive over to WalMart, find the box of condoms and head to the register.


This is embarrassing. It is so obvious what's happened here, especially this early in the morning, in my track pants, my hair all knotted up and my eyeliner running. Bullshit.

I come back into the apartment where Nate is completely naked, sprawled out onto the bed, erection lost. I throw the pack of condoms at him hoping to wake him up, and head toward the restroom. I come back, Nate is snoring.

Well then, I guess no sex here!

I fall asleep next to him, and am awoken a while later again for attempt #2. This time it actually went through. Then I realize he is still drunk, and the sex is going nowhere. I'm actually in pain at this point. It needs to stop. I get quieter and stop cooperating. He senses the point and climbs off and falls back beside me, asleep. A couple of hours later, slowly out of my buzz, I wake up and turn on the TV in the bedroom. Nate comes in and out of his sleep for the rest of the morning until we finally get out of bed around 2:30 that afternoon.

The rest of the day just passed us by as we watched TV all afternoon. Later that night, Nate decided to make dinner and we headed over to the supermaket so he could shop for groceries. I got a little concerned seeing as to how I needed to leave that night to head back to my mom's for babysitting duty on Sunday.

Around 10pm, Nate began cooking, and I fell asleep. I did manage to help him with prepping. Around 1:30 am, he was done. He'd made étouffée, which I personally didn't like because it was so spicy (he used jalapeno peppers).  I love it when guys cook, and apparently he can. At 2:30 am, my alarm sounded off, and I was on my way back home.

So that was my.... "out of the ordinary" weekend. It still hurts to walk a bit.....

The sleepover

I'd been meaning to write about this date but had a lack of interest to.

Honestly, I wasn't sure how things were turning out with Nate, and didn't want to dedicate too much of my time to write about someone who wasn't going to be around the following week.

If I can remember correctly, the week after the first date, Nate invited me out to a very nice wine bar right by his apartment complex so we wouldn't have to drive. It was the first time for both of us, so we weren't exactly sure what to expect. We began tasting a white wine spritzer that tasted similar to a soda. I ordered chicken, he ordered tuna and had a relaxing time. By the end of our bottle, he decided to order a set of "flights" (wine samplers, typically about half the size of a wine glass) of 3 different red wines. Not to our liking as we soon found out, but fun to try out.

After dinner, Nate asked me if I wanted to go get some drinks at the bar next door, so we went to that. We continued drinking until the bar closed, and about $250 later, walked back home. Once there, I remember passing out in his bed, where, miraculously, no sex took place. The next morning, I woke up with a bad stomach ache and the need to fart so badly, but couldn't bring myself to. His bathroom was also right next to his bedroom and was sure he'd be able to hear the echo if I did, so I went into his closet instead.

I can't remember anymore what happened the following day, but I do remember leaving before 2pm because he had to go to sleep again before starting his shift at 11 that night. I went home, called my girlfriend to see if she wanted to hang out for lunch, and ended up making plans to go to Lake Charles, Lousiana to the casinos that weekend as a last minute ditch. I went home, took my online math test that was due, and packed up for the mini getaway. (I lost about $50 at the slots)

The following week, I suggested to Nate to go to a game of laser tag and go-karts. He said to come meet at his apartment, but after taking over an hour to get ready, and close to another hour to get there, decided not to go out once I got there at 9pm. I tend to get very tired early evenings because I start work at 8am. That, and I'm a grandma deep inside. We ended up just sitting on the couch, where we watched reality t.v. I will ADMIT without hesitation that we watched Jersey Shore and Fantasy Factory on MTV. And, kudos to Nate for letting me keep the dial on Keeping up with the Kardashians. Sebastian wouldn't have any of it. But, let's not compare, yeah?

Anyway, I left Nate's early the next Saturday morning because I had to go downtown to take my final for my computer class. Later on, I think I remember going to visit my friend for a few hours, until I came back home for the weekend and spent the rest of the time couped up at home, enjoying my first weekend off for the summer.

The following week, Nate and I didn't hang out because my father came into town with my sisters from their vacation in California; I always spend the weekend at home when he comes over. Later that week, Nate and I hardly talked and the late night texts didn't come through anymore.  After no responses, I texted him one last time to see if he had disappeared where he told me what his phone screen had shattered and he was unable to get all of his messages.  We talked a bit about our weekends, and we made half-assed plans to hang out the following weekend to go ice skating.

To be continued.......

One year later....

I just realized that it is my one year blogoversary today.  What better way to celebrate than to summarize the beautiful, crappy, exciting, sexy, and sad things that happened since the inception (no, not the movie) of this Survival Guide along with the things I have learned since then.

A year ago, I was researching my first apartment, and was in a complicated open relationship with my ex-boyfriend Sebastian. Sebastian became a character in this blog and garnered the affection and approval of quite a few readers even though he was very difficult to deal with.  He had excess baggage from his previous marriage, a lot of which carried over into our time.

I didn't speak up enough in the very beginning, but in time, I learned to voice out my concerns and frustrations with the help and support of you, my readers.

Even though I still hold some anger towards Sebastian, it is only because the end came before I wanted it.  Sebastian had always been a gentleman and I can't badmouth him. Things didn't work out between us, but he was great, unfortunately.

During the year, I also managed to go to Europe for a dozen days and explore other cultures. I experienced new things with Sebastian, and visited new places as well.

I also managed to go back to school and continue with the prerequesites for Business Administration. I lost my job at the construction company, and was dumped by Sebastian within the same time period.

I had my grieving period and started dating again- most of which have not managed to outlast the dreaded 2-week period [sigh].

Since Sebastian, I became involved with a few guys where it didn't quite work out. I wasn't romanced and pursued and quickly lost interest in the potential candidates.

I began a new job which showed me how to be part of a bigger team and feel much more appreciated than before. I learned to like and dislike the benefits of being single.

It's been an eventful year so far, and I really have no idea what's on my plate in my personal life from here on out.

The only thing I've got looking up for me is my next planned vacation during Thanksgiving Break: Chile and Peru, here I come!

On a special note:
To my subscribed readers and frequent visitors:

Thank you in the USA to : L.A., Modesto, Alameda, San Fran, Austin, Bourbonnais, Chicago, Racine, New York, Brooklyn, Pinellas Park, Lutz, Greensboro, Bellingham, Minneapolis, Dayton, Nashville, Atlanta, Portland, Phoenix, Midvale, and of course HOUSTON.

Canada: Saskatoon, Toronto and Don Mills

England= my favorite group of people!!: London, Wigan, Bootle, Liverpool, Canterbury, and Manchester

Norway: Bergen and Stavanger

Germany: Cologne, Berlin and Munich

Australia: Melbourne, Brisbane, Sydney, Adelaide

and special recognition in : Ireland, France, the Netherlands, Austria, Switzerland, Italy, Spain, Greece, Russia, Poland, Philippines, India, Japan, New Zealand, Argentina, Brazil and Chile

This blog is for you.
Thank you.

What I really mean when I say the following

The dating scene has been.... exciting to say the most. I've met some great guys, funny, intelligent and all respectful- real gentlemen, thank God. About half of them went as far as the third date, while the other half never made it past the first.

It got me thinking the other day while I was reading an article on Yahoo about the things guys will say, and the truth behind those expressions. I figured I'd add my two cents in to contribute my own version of encrypted statements.

What I say: We really shouldn't
What I really mean: If I didn't stop drinking after one beer and I'm in your apartment, you can bet that I REALLY WANT TO, but I don't want to get burned like I did the last time around. I'm only sleeping with you if you're my boyfriend. SO at least pretend to give me that.

What I say: I just don't think we clicked
What I really mean: You aren't attractive enough for me to overlook that and be sold on your personality alone.

What I say: You really need to visit California/Vegas/any major place I've been
What I really mean: I'm hoping we can date long enough so that we can take this trip together.

What I say: I've had sex with 3 guys
What I really mean: I've had vaginal sex with 3 different guys. You'll figure out the rest in time when I'm more comfortable talking about it with you.

What I say: What's your longest relationship?
What I really mean: Are you more for long term or short term?

What I say: Are you and your ex on speaking terms?
What I really mean: How did your romance end? Will I consider her a threat in our relationship; Will she make appearances or be brought up a lot in conversations?

What I say: How are you with kids?
What I really mean: Can you get along with younger kids, prefereably my 10-year twin sisters so one day we can all go out together.

What I say: Heeeey, haven't heard from you in a while.
What I really mean: Where the @$%& have you been and why haven't you called until now?!

What I say: So what's a regular week like for you?
What I really mean: I want to know your schedule so I can tell if you're avoiding me when you don't call because you're "busy" all of a sudden after the first date

What I say: I had a great time. We should do this again sometime.
What I really mean: Call me tomorrow

What I say: Well, thank you for dinner/coffee. It was nice meeting you.
What I really mean: Yeah, this isn't going to work out.

What I say: Oh my God you're huge.
What I really mean: OMFG you're HUGE.:)

How did I get this mean?

There is a colleague, Rick, near my work area who is in his late twenties and will casually catch up with me during the days. Yesterday however, I realized that I'd most likely ruined that new-found friendship.

We are both sarcastic, but I admit that I can be overly to the point of being very mean, short and rude. At least, that's what it seems to be to others, but deep down inside, I mean it in the most twisted playful way. Rick knew about my date this past Friday with Nate, and asked me how it had gone on Monday.  I filled him in on the details and we joked around about the things that had happened.

The next day, Rick told me he'd spent just as much time with one of his colleagues talking about life, as I'd spent it on my date with Nate (10 hours.) My intention was to be playful and quickly shot back with "Don't even think about comparing my date with yours." He tried to correct himself as he walked off and somewhere along the way mentioned that it hadn't been a date because she was married.

The next day I went to see him at his desk to ask him to finish telling his story and without looking at me once said "I noticed you have an attitude that's rather negative. You appear to be one way, but completely different at other times. You act very similar to my ex and the lady who used to have your spot, and I don't like people like that."

I was shocked. He'd set me straight, and I quickly realized my wrongdoings. My stomach sunk, so low and I could only muster "Well I'm sorry I offended you" as I hurriedly walked away. In the distance I could hear him say "No, it's not that you've offended me it's......." as the words trailed in the air.

All day yesterday, the thought just lingered on in my head. I felt so bad and embarrassed about what I'd done. Late last night, I wrote a note offering my apology with the idea putting it in the box with one of the blueberry muffins I needed to buy him back, considering I'd accidently taken it from his stash earlier this week. I slipped the note into my purse this morning,  and was prepared with my apology.  I figured he'd either accept the appology, or worse just let it sit and refuse, but I would have at least tried.  Once at work, I went through  my purse to get a dollar and the note.... which wasn't there.

What the hell? Where is it? Man this sucks. Everything happens for a reason? God works in mysterious ways? Bullsh*t!

Earlier this morning, Rick quietly greeted me at my desk, but quickly returned to his work area. Later on, he spent quite some time talking with my cubicle roomate and left, not before bringing back the book I'd suggested for reading last week. He said "I don't think I'm going to have time to read it" as he placed it on my desk.

Ouch. Cold shoulder maybe? 

Alright, well here's to attempt #2 tomorrow morning on the apology letter. I better not screw this one up again cause not talking is making things tense and very awkward.

Plus, take note- this might actually be the first time a woman has admitted that she was wrong, and he was right!

Looking past the "First Date Mistake"

Early Friday afternoon, my boss came up to my desk and said "I have two tickets to the Astros game tonight. Do you want them?" "Sure, yes!" I answered.  "Here, take them. Have fun. I want to see pictures on Monday."
 
As a good friend, I texted one of my girlfriends first to see if she wanted to go but said she couldn't. I had two other options: two guys I was currently talking to. One was Aaron, the other was Nate. I had befriended them both on Facebook in the hopes of finding out if they had more pictures that would help me determine if they were in fact as attractive as their profile pics.
 
I first accepted Aaron’s request and went to look at his pictures. I was very disappointed by what I found, or didn't find for that matter. Most of his pictures were 4 years old. Oh hell no. As we had talked earlier, I had asked him what kind of girl he was attracted to and he'd said someone who took care of herself physically saying he ran 3 miles every other day.
 
I really don't think you run cause the most recent picture showed a really chubby guy. Ugh. I hate guys who put "average" instead of "a few extra pounds". Man up and be honest!
 

Nate on the other hand appeared to be more physically fit and had a stare that really attracted me.
 
Aaron had already asked me out twice on too much of a short notice which I had turned down. Nate seemed like the perfect candidate so when my friend said no, I texted him if he was free that night to go to the game. He replied saying yes and we made plans to go for dinner before the game. I was a bit concerned that we might not be able to hit it off and that we'd be stuck with each other for 3 hours afterwards during the game.
 
Luckily we hit it off right away and had much to talk about. We arrived at the game and settled in to our seats right by the dugout and had a great time.
 

 
Even though I was attracted to Nate, I was concerned that he might not be attracted to me. This is what happens when you have low self esteem- you believe that you’re never good enough to be liked; Therefore I didn't want to get my hopes up for fear that it would backfire. When the game ended we remained in our seats to watch the fireworks display afterwards. He slowly put his arm around me and let me lay my head on his shoulder. The first step to mutual attraction [sighs.]
 
When the fireworks ended, Nate asked me if I wanted to go to the bar across the street. He got us drinks and as the alcohol slowly started taking over, the conversation became seemingly easier. We spent a few hours talking and soonafter challenged one another to darts; the loser would have to take a swig of beer. We were laughing, flirting with each other, and watching the other drunk people around us stumble to the ground. At one point, Nate said “Ok, the next game is for a kiss.”
 
I went along for it, not realizing that either way, we would end up kissing- that’s how drunk I was.  I lost, brought his face towards my lips and kissed him. We continued playing, getting a kiss after each game, and eventually went back out onto the porch so he could smoke a cigarette.

I'm sorry, what? "You smoke?" I asked. "Only when I drink" he said. Ew... gross.  He pulled out a fancy black box from his pocket and showed me what he smoked.

 
"See, look. It's an e-cigarette" he pointed out.
 
I admit I was curious and asked if I could try it. It felt like smoking hookah. The filter he was using was mentholated and wasn't as painful as taking a long drag from a regular cigarette. The air I exhaled turned out to be a water vapor instead of "second hand smoke." He only took about 3 drags from the cigarette during the night and put it away each time.
 
At one point, we ended up talking with a few other drunk people outside on the patio and can't quite remember how it lead to the discussion of dating but I remember him telling one of the older women there "Yeah, this is our first date."
 
"First date? really? Awww..... Honey look! It's their first date" she commented to her male partner.
 
I couldn't help but feel both happy and sad at the same time. Happy to hear him acknowledge our meeting as a date to strangers, but sad that this would be the only "first date" we'd experience. The excitement for each other would never be able to amount to that first night we spent together; I'd never be able to feel that confused, happy, giddy feeling in my stomach ever again as I did during our first date.


As the bar closed down, it was time to go back. We weren't ready to call it a night and wanted to stay together, but couldn't think of any place to go to just talk. The only options were to go to a 24-hour diner and get something to eat, or back to the other's place; I'd promised myself that as much as I wanted to be near him, it wouldn't be the right thing to do on the first date. I admit I wouldn't mind doing it, but I know it's not the greatest idea- we all know what happened when I rushed things with Matt, the marine right?
 
I had to go pick up my car at work, so we stayed in the parking lot for a while. Some time later, I actually dozed off or passed out, and woke up to us kissing, his hand caressing my breast, unbuttoning my shirt.
 
Wait, what? What's going on? I was completely out of it, and even though I noticed we were kissing, my ability to react wasn't all in place and I didn't respond until he was halfway through my buttons. I knew his hand was there, but my mind just reacted too late. Or maybe subconsciously, I wanted it as well.  I stopped him, fumbled slowly to get my buttons back on, let out a small sigh of frustration and got out of the truck. I walked back to my car without looking back and got in. A few minutes later he left.

On the way home, I received the following text from him:

“Ok, I guess I shouldn’t expect a reply but I thought we were messing around. I’m sorry if I crossed a line I didn’t know or else I wouldn’t have. I just thought we were both enjoying it. I’m really confused right now and I hope you’re ok. If you need something let me know.  I really did like you and I didn’t mean to cross that line.”

I thought about texting back when I got home but decided to call and chew him out instead.

“Why would you do that?” I questioned.
“I’m sorry, I just thought we were in the moment and that you felt the same way. I’m really sorry” he replied.
“I was asleep when you started doing that” I told him.
“Well, you were kissing me back so I didn’t think you were” he said
“I’m drunk, and I’m really disappointed in you Nate” I said.
“Oh man, I’m really sorry. The last thing I want you to think is that I took advantage of you. It’s just….. it’s been so long for me… I’m really really sorry” he admitted.

I could sense he was legitimately sorry and decided to give him one more chance. “I can admit that all the drinking we did tonight impaired us a lot and made us do things we probably wouldn’t have done sober. So tell you what, sleep on it. Think about what you’ve done, and if you want to talk to me again, you’ll call me tomorrow,” I told him bluntly.

“I don’t need to wait until tomorrow” he said.

I have my reasons for letting this slide. For one, a lot worse happened with my last boyfriend Sebastian, on our first date last year. I actually cried as I drove back home. I was blindsided and let things progress to benefit him solely. I was very ashamed of what had happened. Sebastian apologized profusely, and the very next day brought me roses and took me to dinner. Yep, that’s the way to do it!

With Nate, I didn’t let things go that far, and I know that alcohol played a big role in me letting loose and dropping my guard substantially. But I also walked away quietly and made him ashamed of what he’d done.  In a way, I knew we would end up making out if I stayed longer in his truck- however, the whole unbuttoning-the-shirt thing threw me off guard completely. I wasn’t expecting that at all.  I’m not going to lie and say it felt horrible. It felt good and it was pleasant, but I knew this shouldn’t be happening on a first date, so I put a stop to it. I’m pretty sure that if I would have told him “No” in the moment, he would have stopped also.

The next day, around 2 o’clock, Nate called me and we talked for about an hour before he went to sleep (he works graveyard shift.)  I didn’t feel like bringing up the incident, and ultimately swept it under the rug.  I invited him over for breakfast at my apartment on Sunday morning and we spent a couple of hours talking and watching TV. We didn’t make any other plans past the week, and due to our schedules, haven’t talked on the phone, but we’ve been able to text a few times and are planning to meet up again on Friday night.

If I let it, I know sex can happen, but after what happened with Matt, I’m not willing to put myself into that position. I know it’s better to wait and get to know each other, so that when the act does happen, there’s actually feelings involved and better chances that it may last longer than just a couple of weeks.

Or maybe I’m just a modern girl trying to exercise power and control. Yeah, we’ll see how that goes….

I think my safeguard is to just not shave prior to Friday.
Any ideas on how to withhold sex?